Human Wreckage
by Lochanmor
Summary: Jennifer doesn't let anything come between her and taking care of her kids, especially her moral compass. When Jax comes around, things get a lot more twisted. AU. Jax/OC.
1. Don't Play With Me

**Authors note: Hi readers! This is the first installment to a 3 part book series. Each book will be roughly 20 chapters. I was inspired by the way Kurt Sutter molded SOA after the themes in Hamlet, and I wanted to write something that plays off the themes of one of my all time favorite novels, Gone With the Wind. Jennifer Connelly and Jax Teller will be our Scarlett and Rhett. We will meet our Ashley and Melanie soon enough :)** **I am currently publishing from my phone while I wait for my new laptop to come, so please pardon any typos and the brevity of this chapter. I honestly wanted to keep it short and in the moment to discourage myself from unleashing too much of Jennifers backstory too soon.** **This story is AU- no Tara, Wendy, or Abel. It picks up right around season 2 and will follow many of the situations in the show. I have taken liberties with some characters to fit them better into Jennifers life. I hope to update twice a week. As far as Jennifer goes, please understand she is not meant to be likeable 100% of the time. Much like Scarlett O'Hara, you may want to smack her uspide the head sometimes, but I promise she will earn your grudging respect. I believe Tara brought out the softer, deeper side of Jax ... Jennifer will bring out the animilastic side of him :)** **Your feedback is wanted and MUCH appreciated!**

Jennifer walked into work with a straight face after exiting her car and soaking up the California sunshine in her brief pass into the warehouse. It was an exceptionally mild day, something she relished in as it had been a cruel, hot summer so far and her utility bill for the month had been astronomical. so, leaving her windows open and letting the breeze blow through her house this morning to let the AC get a break had been a welcome relief.

Cara Cara was buzzing with a hum that wasn't quite right today. She had felt the tension as soon as she walked in, causing her to break her stride and slow down to take in her surroundings. The talent was quieter today, and she knew Luann well enough to see the shift in her energy from bubbly and air-headed to defense mode, like an animal that could sense it was about to be cornered. But, aside from all that, the warehouse traffic looked like it normally did on a Wednesday, with one notable difference. There were about 5 MC members in the building, making themselves comfortable as was their usual habit. Drinking beers, perched on the available seating with their legs spread wide as if they owned the place, beckoning "come and get it". They barely had the shame to even pretend they weren't visually devouring the girls who walked by them. Some of the girls welcomed their eye-fucking and all the promise it held. Others scurried past, their bodies rigid at being oogled so openly. The quiet girls, the ones there for money alone. Usually with kids to support. Jennifer knew the weight of bearing that cross all too well.

She had never seen so many of the Sons here at once, unless it was a party, and today was definitely all work and no play. In fact, seeing them here at all was not an every day occurence. Something was definitely up. Jen continued to walk towards the office, which put her right in their line of viewing. She was already preparing to be thoroughly mind-fucked, but it did little to deter her confident gait. She was far more used to being viewed as a sex object than she would openly admit. Some would pass her up, others would lick their lips. She was an aquired taste, no doubt. Even before the industey got a hold of her, she was used to the lust she invoked in some men simply by existing in their general area. At a size 9 and 5'4, she was no dainty flower. Her body was caricature of the female form - all big ass and tits, wide hips and a small waist. Despite being somewhat short, her legs were long in proportion to the rest of her body. She wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination - having two kids had cemented that as a reality. But to a man who appreciated a zaftig form, she was nothing short of decadent.

she rounded her way through the throngs of people, feeling over-dressed like every day of the week she was in here to do Luanns books. The only other person here who was every fully clothed was Luann, and even she usually had her tits spilling out of whatever get up she was in that day. Jen kept it simple in wedges, slacks, and a white v-neck shirt with her chocolate brown hair falling unceremoniously down her back, curling and still damp from her shower an hour ago. As she passed by the Sons, she eyed them with a stone-faced look and felt each one of them out. A few of them nodded to her, one giant of a man she had recalled seeing at a party at some point, who looked like he was better suited chopping down trees than in his current digs. It was the blonde man beside him that was starting to piss her off. He was openly leering at her, a self-satsified grin on his face. It was downright inappropriate the way he eyed her from the ground up, she knew that look. Like he was mentally bending her over. She refused to break eye contact once they'd made it purely on principle. Finally, he spoke.

"I know you, darlin?"

She simply continued to walk past him, close enough that she could have brushed up on him if she had moved slightly in any direction. Rather than dignify the fucking she'd just received from him with a response, she scoffed in the most patronizing way she could muster as she made her way to the office. She felt like she deserved payment for that unexpected parlay.

When she opened the door to the office Luann had paperwork and boxes out all over the place and was rummaging around in a flustered state of bewildernment and anxiety. She tensed at the sound of someone coming in the room. Jennifer was so thrown off by her reaction that she shut the door behind her and let down the blinds. "What's wrong?" she asked, coming around the desk to try and determine why Luann was making a mess of all their records. Luann looked around like she thought the walls had ears, before speaking in a hushed, clipped tone.

"The club is pushing in. They want Bobby to start doing the books now that they're getting deeper in bed with the business."

Deeper? Jennifer didn't even know they had money in the business to begin with, besides Luann's husbands involvement. The gears in her mind began to turn and put the pieces together, and she felt her blood go cold as it dawned on her.

Jennifer had started working for Luann 3 years ago. She had experience in payroll and had gone through a community college degree to become a bookkeeper. It was her legit source of income, the face she put out for the rest of the world to see. She moonlighted as a cam girl to support her small family, and that was where the real money was. But it was important to her to maintain a semblance of normality for her children, so she kept up appearances by running book. It was the perfect gig for her. She understood the ins and outs of the financial part of the industry on a personal level, and her insight had been a valuable asset to Luann as her business grew.

But, they had more than that binding them together. It only took a month for Jennifer to realize Luann was skimming from her investor. She had no moral objection to it- she was a firm believer that all was fair in the pursuit of money. So when she outed Luann on her dirty secret, Luann had offered her 10% of what she was skimming to keep her mouth shut and cook the books. Jennifer was never one to pass up an extra source of income and agreed on the spot after talking her up to 20%. Besides, she didn't feel bad for taking a little extra money from some hot shot investor who wanted to slum it in the porn industry. The reality now hit her like a ton of bricks.

"Jesus Luann, the club? They're your investors?" She ran a hand through her hair as she paced the length of the office. Shaking her head she looked at Luann with poorly veiled contempt in her eyes. "I thought we were stealing from some old rich fuck, not ganglands most wanted!"

"Keep it down!" Luanna chastised her, rounding the desk and looking at the door warily. "We've gotta fix this, like fucking now. As soon as Bobby gets in those books hes going to figure it out. I dont know what the club will do."

The last thing she said hung in the air between them like a thick cloud of heavy smoke. Jennifer could kick herself for getting caught up in this, her mind instantly going to her children. Her greed had gotten the best of her, again. If she were a religious girl, she would say that sin had continued to be her ultimate downfall. And now, it could be her demise. She couldn't just un-cook the books overnight. Luann would never get it, she would be wasting her breath trying to explain it to her.

"Alright, just settle down. Give me the night to think about this. You don't say shit to anyone until we get our story straight, you got it?" Normally Jen wouldn't speak to her employer like this, but tense situations tended to bring out her dictator side. Luann looked like a deer caught in the headlights as she nodded her head quickly, clearly glad to have someone else taking the lead. "Go out there and do your thing Luann, take a percocet or something. Your anxiety is going to give you away. I've got a ton of shit to do to get everyone paid for Friday." With that, Luann took a deep breath and smoothed out her hair before walking out of the office door like a lamb on the way to slaughter. Pulling her reading glasses down as she sat back at the desk and attempted to get to work, Jennifer could barely concentrate. She didn't know what these guys were capable of, but something told her she was in over her head.

SOASOAOSOASOASOA

The rest of her day was typical, uneventful. The Sons had left Cara Cara before she had called it a day, and she was happy to not have to steel her spine to walk by them again with the knowledge she had now. She tried to reason with herself to diminish her anxiety but it did little to quell the knots in her stomach. She had the money and the violent man power to protect her in this situation, but she'd never use it. As her mother used to tell her with spite in her voice, she was the type of girl to cut off her own nose to spite her face. It was true, as much as she hated it about herself. There was no way she would reach out to the brotherhood and humble herself... she'd made it this far without them. And unless it was life or death for her kids, she intended to keep it that way. If it were for their benefit - well, she loved them more than every ounce of pride in her body.

No, she'd have to get herself out of this one.

And she had a few ideas up her sleeve so far. Given the right equipment, she'd never overshot a mark a day in her life. She was still banking on the idea that the Sons might not be smart or suspicious enough to figure it out. Besides, she had no clue what kind of bookkeeper Bobby was. He could very well be self taught and sloppy. There was a lot to know, and so much attention had to be paid to detail to smell anything off. He wasnt the goddamn IRS. But, Jennifer realized, the ramitications of fucking them out of their share held far deeper consequences. A chill ran down her spine.

She had picked Erin and Michael up from school, and after Erin's dance class and dinner, she found her self sitting in her living room, the house dim except for the glow of the setting sun that washed through their home. The kids were asleep, and a breeze fell about the place, the ringing of her wind chimes through the open windows the perfect background noise to the thoughts running through her head. Her hair was in a messy bun high on her head, loose tendrils sticking to her neck from the heat she was still at war with as she willed herself to make do with the ceiling fan and go without the central air. She took a generous swig from her bottle of IPA as she bit her nails, her worst habit when she was alone and stressed.

The only other option she had besides trying to fix the books before Bobby got into them was playing the dumb bimbo card. Honestly, fixing the books would take her weeks even if she devoted all her time to it. They were only in the second qaurter of this year... she supposed she could fix this year alone in a few days if she lit a fire under her ass. But who was to say they wouldn't go farther back, and then what? It was a risky move. And she had never had to uncook anyone's books before. She was pretty sure she could do it, but anything they ammended and filed with the IRS would tip them off as well. And she knew the pencil pushers in Uncle Sams office loved auditing anyone in the adult industry. It was a fucking heyday. The last thing she needed was them auditing her LLC for the independent contracting work she did as a cam girl. She always reported her wages, but 'gifts' she received from her regulars were another story. And the IRS could suck her dick if they thought she was paying taxes on the gifts they bought her. She'd received everything from new washer and dryer sets to prepaid visas with thousands on them. She didn't ask for the shit, but she got it, and she wasn't about to pay 30% taxes on it.

Sighing, she downed the last of her beer and got up to go into the kitchen and finish the dishes while she listened to some music and cleared her mind of this mess. Why did life always have to be so complicated? Her heart skipped a beat as she heard the defiant knock on her door. Life, it seemed, was about to get a lot worse.

SOASOASOASOASOASOASOA

She wasn't hard to find. In fact, Juice had hit on her address within 15 minutes of Jax giving him her name. He had her in the back of his mind since he'd seen her at Cara Cara today. He was amazed she'd never crossed his path before, and disappointed she had never ended up in his bed thus far. Charming the panties off a girl was nothing new to him, and he rarely found something he wanted and didnt get his hands on eventually.

But, he was still itching to wipe the smirk off her face she'd thrown to him earlier. It was merciless the way she'd dismissed him. It didn't matter though. When she had walked past him, his cock had twitched in pure adult appreciation. Jax was most certainly an ass man, but what she had behind her was beyond invoking appreciation, it was worthy of worship. "This is why guys end up eating ass" he thought to himself despondently, shaking his head. It only made matters worse that she had the figure and the rack to match. Luscious, long hair, her facial features strong and hard and yieldingly beautiful all at once. But that wasn't why he was here.

It took Bobby all of a few hours in Luanns office after hours that night to realize something wasn't right. Luann was skimming from the club, and from what Bobby could guess, it wasn't a new tranagression. It probably went back years. Bobby had told Jax, and Jax alone. He was of the mind that they should get to the bottom of it before they brought it to the Club. Otto had been through enough, and the last thing Bobby wanted was to break his heart on top of it all. And if they wanted to get to the bottom of it, he advised they start with the bookkeeper. Jax had smirked. Despite the gravity of the situation, he couldn't help but be pleased at being tasked to track down this fine piece and make her sweat a little.

Her house was pleasant, a small, outdated ranch in a middle class neighborhood in Lodi. White with red trim, it looked like evey other old place on the block. Not particularly well kept, but loved and lived in. He'd bet money she had kids. He had to admit, the bookkeeper role was a nice front, but it didn't take too much IT research to find out she was in the industry. A cam girl. And that wasn't all he'd found out. His mind stirred hot and heavy at the idea of her shaking her ass in front of her webcam late at night for $10 a minute. Based on the size of her house and the soft, feminine curve of her stomach, he'd put money on the idea that she had a kid or two. What he couldn't make out now that he had found out about the embezzlement was whether she was incredibly smart, incredibly dumb, or just incredibly money driven.

As he rounded the front door of her house, he heard the soft padding of her feet through the open windows stop abruptly as he knocked on door. When the sound of her walking didn't start up again to let him in, he considered trying the door but thought better of it. No use in spooking her right from the get-go.

When the knock sounded at her door, Jennifer walked as quietly as she could through the carpeted hallway of her bedroom to grab her sig sauer from the closet. No one good could be visiting her this late at night, and she knew better than to trust in the good nature of other humans. She grabbed the piece from her top shelf and made sure the safety was off. It had been a long time since she had felt the weight of it in her hands. Life had been relatively quiet since Jeremy had been locked up and her family had accepted the fact that she was ghosting them. So much for all that.

Her spine straightened as she unlocked the front door and cracked it open. Who she saw on the other end shocked her, but she didn't let that play out on her face. Of all the potential visitors, this one was decidely bad, but no worse than who her mind could have conjured up.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she breathed out, her neck blushing red as her anger and anxiety built inside of her.

Jax smirked in a defiant way, his hands leaving his pockets as he pushed the door open further and let himself in. "Just thought I'd come and introduce myself. You know, now that we're business partners and all." She barely had time to mentally react before he was in the house and closing the door behind him, his energy was dominant and imposing in every sense of the word. Jennifer moved the gun behind her back, but there was no way to reasonably hide it at this point. She hadn't expected visitors tonight, and her small night dress clung to her and reached barely above her ass. If there were clothes that could hide that someone was packing, these were definitely not it.

"You wanna give me the gun?" he inquired nonchalantly, as though he were asking about the weather.

Jennifer was scared shitless, but she wasn't about to show it. He watched the wave of emotions play out on her face from scared to defiant in an instant, and he couldn't help but admire her moxie.

"My gun is fine right here. And I'm no business partner. I do some light bookkeeping for Luann. I'm not part of the talent."

"Could've fooled me" he said, his eyes raking over her scantily clad figure much as they did earlier in the day. And just like earlier in the day, she felt a fire of indignation light inside of her.

"Listen, asshole..."

"Before you start, don't. I already know what Luann is up to. Now I'm going to find out what part you're playing in that."

Her face flushed red. Jennifer knew she had better choose her next words wisely, but her mouth was dry with the unspoken tension and she was having a hard time keeping her temper in check. How dare he come to her home, while her kids were sleeping. Did he have any idea who she was? She knew it was petty to play the family card after how long she had shunned them, but she deserved some level of deference and respect. She hadn't exactly earned, but she had been born into it.

Jax spoke again as he turned away from her, leisurely strolling about her house and inspecting it in a way she could only describe as disrespectful, and his words rang out as though he was reading her mind. "Aryan princess turned prodigal daughter... hard to understand why you ended up in business with a club members wife and stealing money from the MC on top of it." He turned to face her as she followed him into the kitchen. She looked up at him again, at a loss for words. Okay, so he knew. She had to think quick.

"Lets have a beer and talk outside. my kids are sleeping." and they can't wake up to this, she finished in her head. Her choices were limited now. Undoing this shit was out of the question. The only thing she could play on now was that this man clearly had pegged her as no different that one of Luanns girls and her best bet at walking out of this unscathed was to play dumb. He nodded, and she walked to the fridge and opened it up, bending over to grab the beers from where they were stashed on the bottom shelf. She had been ashamed of her attire previously, but now, she was glad for what she was wearing as her ass peeked out, her pussy barely covered by the g string she was wearing. She had meant to be on cam tonight, but her stress level had kept her drinking away her anxiety in the living room. So much for that.

She felt him behind her before she stood up straight again, he was practically flush against he body as she handed him the first beer. With no other choice she bent down again to grab herself one, her ass rubbing on him. She would be a liar if she said she wasn't half turned on. Despite her fear, she wasnt blind. And she hadnt been laid in almost a year.

Turning around and meeting his heated gaze, she suddenly found her voice again. "You got a name, business partner?"

"Jax."

She couldn't help but smile. "It suits you."

Jax thought he liked the sight of her unsbashed smile more than was appropriate. Putting his hand on the small of her back he led her out the back sliding glass door. Neither of them sat down, he knew it was because they were both on edge. He had felt the shift in her energy and he knew was about to bullshit here, but he was too curious to stop her.

"Listen, I don't know what Luann is up to. But I just put the numbers she gives me in the Quickbooks. I don't really understand all this shit. She's just trying to help me get out of the industry." She looked up at him with soft, innocent eyes. And if he wasnt such a good judge of character, he might have believed her. But eveyone had a tell, and hers was obvious. She tried to hard. But he didnt mind playing on it for his own benefit. He moved towards her, setting his beer on the rail of her porch and invading her personal space. She was too fuckin sugar sweet for words. He longed to touch her, to make her shake. To taste that sweet, sun kissed spot on her neck where her hair fell out and wreaked havoc. He let out a growl deep in his chest as he moved up against her. Instead of rigid fear, he felt her warm little body meet his, pliable and welcoming.

"I might be convinced to forget it at all..." he offered, bring his mouth to her neck as his hand wound its way i her hair.

"Mmmm" she offered. She wasnt opposed to sucking his dick to get rid of this shitty sitation. "And what do you want?" Jennifer asked coyly.

Jaxs grip in her hair tightened, pulling her head back slightly to look in her eyes. He looked predatory in every sense of the word. Suddenly. his mouth was on hers, parting her lips and diving in with a languid feverency she hadnt felt in a long time.

"I want you to cut the bullshit and tell me how much money you owe me." His voice ground out, with venom behind each word. She was embarrassed, but more than embarrased, she was full of rage. Pushing him back, her hand made a resounding noise as she slapped him across the face.

Her slap did little to to him, his expression hardly changed, further incenssing her.

"Fine. I took the money. I didn't know who I was taking if from, though. And I'm not sorry. I'm only sorry I got caught." Her hand nearly flew up to her mouth, but she stopped herself. What the fuck was wrong with her?

Jennifer had played all her hands, but she had played herself out. She was so fucked.


	2. Nice For What?

**AU: Chapter two! Thanks to everyone who has read, favorited, or followed. I sincerely hope there is someone reading who is familiar with Gone With the Wind and understands the parallels! Jennifer is not always going to be a likeable or relatable character, much like Scarlett O'Hara. I'm so excited to take you guys on this ride. Writing is an amazing outlet for me that I have neglected for a long time, and it feels good to be back. Please feel free to review or get at me with any questions! Side note: Jennifer's estranged husband is based off of Tom Hardy in Warrior- plus a few extra things, obviously. But that's the base of him. XOXO**

Wednesday had come and passed, and Jennifer was still fuming from her encounter with the Prince of Charming. She wondered if he had gotten sick of that term. She knew she certainly had. But thinking back to his swaggering and boastful self, she doubted he possessed the depth to hear it as an insult. She knew men like Jax, she knew them all too well. They were ruthless and short sighted. They never knew whether they were coming or going. But it was his cockiness that perturbed her the most. She had pull too, but she didn't go living off it the way he did. With the corner he had backed her into, and the humiliation he'd caused her with their encounter and her failed attempts at seducing her way out of her problems, she was about to start.

She _wasn't_ sorry for what she had done. Her anxiousness regarding her fate at the hands of the MC for her transgression had morphed into fury and rage, her annoyance a tight-faced dismissal. Yes, what her and Luann had done technically was 'wrong' but she had lived her whole life without bowing down to anyone, and she was damned if she'd start now. Especially for a trigger-happy misogynistic lot like them. They were no better than her and where she came from, and they most certainly weren't more powerful. She firmly believed the only reason they had control of the gun trade in the streets was simply because the Brotherhood wasn't interested. They had their money and man-power in other ventures. It was no secret that they ran shit on the inside. If the MC ever ended up locked up for real time, the only reason they'd survive is because White allowed them to.

She smirked to herself as she finished scrubbing the dishes in the sink, slamming them around a little more than was necessary. Erin and Michael looked at her from the living room, but she was too caught up in her own thoughts to notice that they had taken note of her venomous energy. Her phone buzzed on the counter next to her and she dried her hands off before picking up the unsaved number flashing across the screen.

"This is a collect call from Mule Creek State Prison. This is a call from - _Ron Tully-_ Please press 1 to accept the charges and follow the prompts to enter your payment information."

Jennifer rolled her eyes at hearing his voice announce himself. These assholes were going to eat her out of a house and home with their bullshit. She pressed 1 and rummaged through her purse on the counter to pull out her debit card and punch the numbers in.

Before she knew it, the line picked up and his deep, lazy voice was filling her head.

"Hey beautiful."

"Hey old man" she replied in jest as she paced the kitchen.

"Just wanted to check up on my favorite people. How are my grandkids?"

Ron Tully was not a good man. He wasn't even a smart man, if you looked at his current position from an outside eye. But to Jennifer and the other people in her family, she knew he was only in prison because he wanted to be there. And perhaps that alone made him more smart and more ruthless than any of them.

"They're good, Dad. Doing okay in school. Erin's at the top of her class for Irish Dance. Michael is a wild card, just like his daddy." Tully smiled and snickered on the line, Erin could hear his pain in how much he missed them. For all his faults, he had been nothing if not a devoted Grandfather to them.

Ron Tully had knocked up his girlfriend at the ripe age of 18. But him and Sam Connelly hadn't lasted much longer than it took for their son, Jeremy Connelly to born. He had always sorely resented that she hadn't given him his father's last name. Jennifer and Jeremy, growing up together with parents in the brotherhood had formed an unshakeable bond. Neither of them had the same hate coursing through their veins like their predecessor's. They were ruthless survivors, but they longed for a different life in the idealistic way all teenagers do. Sure, they were smart enough to stay in their family's graces. But as soon as they could, they had run off to get married and start their own family in the most normal way they could manage. They understood one another in a way no one else could.

And it had been good, for a while. Jeremy had still been a part of the Brotherhood but he worked a 9-5 and kept his focus on Jennifer and the kids. Even if he kept the family above water doing illegal fights, she was proud of him. She had loved him, body and soul.

However, he had his vices. And by the time Jennifer had enough, he was banging dope into his arm every day. He was a lost soul, fucked up from the same shit she had to witness growing up around. It took the best of him. As a mother, she refused to let it take them best of them too. Which was why she was on the outside of it all now, fending for herself in some of the most demeaning ways possible. Her father hated her for it, hated her for turning her back on them and the help they could provide. But her father in law was different. In some essential way, he understood her. He loved and protected her still. There was little she could do to shake the foundation of his loyalty to her and the family she'd created with his only child. And while she was sure there was a line she could cross with him, she hadn't found it yet.

"You just make sure they don't end up too much like their old man and we're good." She nodded, remembering more than a few times that Tully had laid an epic beatdown on his son for his drug use, apologizing to Jen over his shoulder on behalf of his son's decisions. But none of it mattered anymore. Jeremy was locked up with his old man, and he had gotten so deep with the Brotherhood, sometimes she felt like she hardly knew him at all anymore.

"You know I do my best."

"Keep it up kid, you're doing just fine." The line went silent for a moment before he carried on. "And how about you? You doing okay?"

His question held a million meanings. Why don't you take our help, our money? Why don't you just humble yourself? When will you forgive your husband, and take his sorry ass back in, so he can have one solid reason not to self-destruct?

Jennifer sighed, looking over her shoulder at her children before stepping onto the back patio and lighting a cigarette. "You know I'm fine. I make sure of it."

She looked down at her feet as she kicked at the weathered, paint-chipped wood below her. "I may have gotten myself into some... trouble."

"Trouble?" His voice remained stoic but she could hear the almost imperceptible shift in energy behind it.

She struggled to find a way to tell him, they were on a recorded line after all. And Tully was a big fish. She had no doubt they might listen in for leverage to get him to flip on someone even bigger.

"That porn studio I've been doing the books for... well, Luann may have been taking more than her fair share of the profits." She couldn't incriminate herself, but she listened to the silence on the other end as Tully put together the pieces.

"Shit, Jen. If you wanted to keep your pockets padded all you had to do was ask. The hell were you thinking?"

"Don't. I don't want to hear it."

"Well you're gonna hear it. They threaten you?"

"Not yet. It's all up in the air right now."

Tully sighed on the other line, and she waited breathlessly like a child does when they fess up their wrongdoings to their parent so they can get their mess cleaned up.

"Don't stress. We'll handle it. Tell the kids I miss them."

It didn't exactly feel great to have your shit handled by someone else, but she finally felt some of the weight lift off her shoulders. As she went back to the housework with a lighter heart, Agent June Stahl listened as the line clicked, a rush of adrenaline coursing through her at the possibility of this delicious new angle. She just had to see what kind of dirt she could kick up on the little princess. Judging from her family, she was sure she was just as dirty as the rest of them.

SOASOASOASOASOASOASOASOA

By the time Saturday afternoon rolled around, Jennifer was bored and chomping at the bit to get something done. Erin and Michael were sleeping over at their friend's house, and she never quite knew what to do with herself when they weren't around. She had finished the house work, the yard work, gone to get her hair done and even got her nails done with the day free to herself. It felt downright sinful to have had so much free time. Which was why she was sitting at her vanity right now, finishing up a face full of makeup as the sun set and the radio played softly in the background. She had to get on cam and make as much as she could tonight. Her goal was $500, and with any luck she'd make it. She admired her hair in the mirror, loose pale chocolate curls falling to her breasts. She'd decided to get her bangs cut in a fringe again, and she was happy for the change. Finishing up her smokey eye and her matte, nude lipstick she grabbed her phone as it began vibrating next to her. Luann Delaney.

She had planned to call Luann to tell her about her encounter with Jax Teller, but she thought better of it after her conversation with Mule Creek's finest. Part of her wanted to let everyone play their hand before she played hers. It was a survival tactic she had learned from years of forced experience. The first one to pounce was usually the first one who got knocked out. She was pissed at Luann, annoyed that she was calling her right now, although she couldn't really explain why. Luann had never held a gun to head to get her to participate in this shit show. Begrudgingly, she picked up the phone.

"Wrap party tonight. You coming?"

"I don't think so, Luann. I'm… working."

Luann had always gone out of her way to include Jen whenever something fun was happening. She seemed to sense that she was a stressed-out mother, and she was all for advocating for her to relax. Jennifer appreciated it. She didn't vibe with other girls. She never had any real girl friends. One, she could count, but even she was family and annoyed her on a consistent basis.

"Jesus, get your nose out of the books for once and come have some fun." Jennifer couldn't help but roll her eyes, she was a world away from bookkeeping tonight. But the idea started to grow on her. She was tense, and getting drunk sounded pleasant considering it was her first child-free night in a few months.

"Alright, I'll be there." She was already half hoe'd up for a night out, and she could always cam some other time. Subconsciously, she couldn't help but be drawn to the dangerous, consuming fire that surrounded the situation.

SOASOASOASOASOASOASOASOASOA

Jax didn't know what the fuck he was doing sitting here. The room was cold and unwelcoming. However, it wasn't the first time he had been in a visiting room of a prison and he was sure it wouldn't be the last. He was just glad he was the visitor for once.

He could hardly make heads or tails of it when he got the call earlier. He was rigid, on guard. What the Aryan shot-caller wanted to speak to him about evaded him, even if he had a few guesses. They were in over their heads with Zoebelle and the ATF lately, nevermind the Irish. Stahl was so far up their asses they could hardly move. Tully didn't have any direct relation with Zoebelle, though, as far as he knew.

So all that left was her.

And Tully had paid a pretty penny to get this nice, private room to chat. He suspected the cameras were off. There would be no reason to meet in person otherwise, a phone call would have sufficed. He sat still, hands crossed at the table. It wasn't until the harsh sound of the door opening reverberated through the room that his gaze broke and lifted to take in the man on the other side of the room.

Tully sat down and they locked eyes for a moment, a visual pissing match. "Camera's off." Tully remarked. It didn't matter one way or another. He planned to let Tully do the talking. The asshole was lucky he'd even shown up.

"It's come to my attention that a certain young brunette wound up on your radar." Tully waited for a response, a tell he could use against him. When Jax remained indifferent, he continued. "Thought I'd do you the courtesy of letting you know she's protected before you got any big, bright ideas."

Jax smirked. "You fuckin her and just doing her some heroic courtesy by fixing her bullshit for her?"

Tully laughed, and Jax had never heard a sound so cryptic. "Nah, it's much more implicating than that. I'm her father in law." He watched for the reaction. He knew he could tell the young prince who Jennifer's father and brother were, but it was asinine. He had more pull than them even if they were on the outside.

"You're a smart man. I don't need to spell it out for you. If anything happens to her or my grandkids, you're gonna feel that. And your boy, Otto, is gonna feel it ten-fold. I know he ain't got much life left in him but I figure you and your crew would prefer him still breathing."

Jax sneered. Otto had already lost an eye for these white supremacist fucks and now he was playing on his safety, like there was any reliability to his words. What was so special about this bitch? He understood the pull of familial loyalty, but this was bordering on obsessive. "So, what, she gets to grift around the criminal underworld and no one can touch her? That ain't how this works, man." And Jax and his crew didn't hurt women and children. Whatever Tully thought might become of them, it was only a credit to his mind that he thought that. The Brotherhood didn't have the same rules.

"Whatever she took, I'll cover it. Just get me the number." Tully leaned back in his chair now, grinning as he took in the man before him. "And you can do me one better. Keep an eye on her. Anything happens to Jen while I'm inside, I'm coming for you. So, take it upon yourself. I'm not the only one you need to look over your shoulder for." Despite the rift between them, he knew Jen's brother Nucky would be on fire if anything happened to her. And he had risen to number 3 in the Brotherhood on the outside.

Jax leaned back, mimicking his nonchalance. "And what the fuck do I get?"

Tully spread open his arms, smiling at his surroundings as though he was in a five-star resort instead of a poorly concealed dungeon. "Peace of mind." He laughed, taking in Jax's unmoved expression. "And some intel. Zoebelle's only strong on the streets cause the FBI's got him under thumb. He ain't hard to get running scared once you bark louder than he does."

Jax hardly knew what the fuck to make of any of this. Him and Bobby were still the only ones who knew about the transgression. And in all honesty, it wasn't even that big of a deal. Sure, Luann should have known better than to do this to the club. But the club didn't hurt women, especially over finances. And Jennifer... He could hardly get the gash out of his mind. He had enjoyed catting around with her, maybe even too much. Something about making her squirm and try to outsmart him made him heat up in all the right places. But the plot thickening so rapidly - he hadn't anticipated this at all. And he had inherent distaste for having his arm twisted about it.

He still hadn't unraveled her ties with the Brotherhood... A few names of family members, her dad and brother notably, had popped up when he had Juice run intel on her. And while the names weren't familiar, it became obvious who they were when their record and mugshots came up. And now, a father-in-law. A notoriously ruthless one. The path his mind could've gone down was too wayward, so he tabled it for another day. He left the confinement of the visiting room without another word. Before he acquiesced to anything, he had to run it by Bobby and figure out a way to drop this intel on Zoebelle on the club. But the way shit was leaning these days with Clay, all the lies, he didn't know whether to keep the info to himself or not anymore.

SOASOASOASOASOASOASOASOA

It was nearing 10 PM by the time Jennifer pulled her Yukon up to the warehouse. The party was in full swing, and she felt a knot form in her stomach when she took note of the line of Harley's out front amidst the bon-fires and scantily clad women. But she had trekked her ass all the way over here to get drunk, and fear wouldn't deter her this late in the game. She had tried to dress up to come, but had thought better of it and show up in a t-shirt, leggings, and black sandals. She wasn't looking to pick anyone up tonight, and the last thing on her agenda was strutting around like a peacock with its feathers out to prove something. She may have been like these girls in a way, but it wasn't common knowledge. Only a handful of people in her personal life knew what she did to get by. And it wasn't because she was ashamed, but being a sex worker had far reaching effects, the most obvious one being the damage her bookkeeping business might suffer if it was public. The other, that her husband may try and use it against her someday for custody. He didn't know, and she intended to keep it that way if she could.

She found Luann quickly and said her hello's before settling in with a bottle of Jameson. She didn't want to mingle, but she found a spot with the girls she could stomach, the girls like her. The mother's, the money-makers. In her experience, they usually fell into one of two categories. Earners and show-stoppers. They weren't exclusive, but there were many girls in the industry just working out their daddy issues in front of the camera.

By 11 PM she was drunk. She could feel eyes on her across the room but she refused to let it stop her from having a good time. She didn't know how to make heads or tails from her experience with Jax. It has been brutally embarrassing, throwing herself at him when he knew all along that he had no intention of accepting. Her mortification filled her with a vague rage that was likely to surface at any inopportune moment. She honestly hoped it would all just go away and she wouldn't have to truly face him again. But, as luck would have it, that was not on the agenda.

Jax watched her from across the warehouse. The tight, young blonde grinding on him did little to distract him except for short intervals. He thought he could drink enough to divert him away from saying something to her, but it wasn't working. He hated how obvious it was. How obvious that she could do whatever she wanted and get away with it. But he couldn't lie to himself that much. He admired her boldness – he possessed it himself. His family and club were built in protection, but he, and he alone, had earned the confidence. Jennifer Connelly hadn't done shit to earn that kind of protection except be born and exist. Nonetheless, he had enjoyed catting around with her… Enjoyed the satisfaction of watching her squirm and try to outsmart him. The way her ass looked in those leggings tonight wasn't doing much to dispel the thoughts of her body pressed up against him, her face tipped up to meet his lips and allow him entrance. He needed to shake it, and it this point it seemed the only way was going to be fucking it out of his system.

He sauntered over to her, lighting a cigarette on his way. When he reached her, he saw her energy shift, the alcohol must have dulled her rage. She looked up to him casually from her seat, her smile coy, beckoning him to say something.

"You got a minute?"

Jennifer didn't care what he had to say tonight, what intimidation he wanted to use on her. In fact, with the whiskey in her, she was up for the fight. Instead of answering she got up and walked towards Luann's office, opting not to switch the lights on as Jax came in behind her and shut the door. The glow of the party just beyond them provided enough.

"Seems you have a little more pull than I expected."

She shrugged, giving nothing away. She didn't know what he had done, but Tully had clearly reached out.

"And?"

Jax smiled now, but it didn't reach his eyes as he moved closer to her. "And don't let it happen again."

Jennifer smiled back. She couldn't and didn't want to promise that, nor thank Jax for his mercy. In fact, if she thought they could get away with it, she'd probably still help Luann cook the books. She would sorely miss the extra income, but something told her this was probably one job she had been effectively let go from.

She felt the tension in the room, but she'd be damned if she was the first one to break. She stared up at him with all the strength she could muster, and Jax thought maybe he had never seen something so attractive before in his life. She was scared, but refused to show it. She had all the valor of a person at war who knew they were vested to lose. He moved closer, he couldn't stop. At this point her breathing was so heavy and rapid it was the only sound in the room. Her eye contact didn't break, but her discomfort was over-powering her will currently. Jax looked down, invading all her personal space. He wanted to touch her, but he knew her reaction would be pure outrage. She moved to end the moment and leave the room, but he caught her with a strong and steady hand around her waist.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to get back to what I was doing." Her voice was firm and steady, as though she was daring him to stop her. Daring him to let her unleash.

"Drinking yourself to death? There's two bottles in here, darlin'. I got all night."

"I'd prefer-"

"I don't give a shit. I got some questions and you're gonna answer them." Jax lit a cigarette, moving to the couch on the opposite side of the room and smiling as he made himself comfortable. Jennifer sighed, looking at the door and weighing her options of a getaway. Considering she was drunk as shit and didn't know how she was going to get home, she was about as stuck as she could be. A vision of her breaking through the door and Jax hauling her back into the room over her shoulder made her grimace. Finally, she sat down in the office chair and took a long pull off the bottle of Jameson she'd set down when she entered. She was going to need a lot of whiskey for this shit.

"What do you want to know?" Her tone was clipped, all pleasantries and masks aside.

"You can start with Tully and work your way back to the less important stuff. Don't worry about anything that might pop up in a background check, 'cause I already know." Jennifer glared as his wolfish gaze raked over her body, the unspoken truth of her second job like an embarrassing wall between them. Fuck him, she thought. Like he was better than her?

"Tully is my dad, my father-in-law." She corrected. "My dad is James White, my brother is Nucky White. My mom is a dumb drunk. You already know their connection."

"You're married?"

"Separated for over a year. The dumb junkie won't divorce me." The words sounded harsh and foreign, even to her. For all his faults, it still hurt to call him out on his decisions. It still hurt to know he had left her high and dry for a $60 bundle and a rig. "Jeremy Connelly. Tully's son. You come across that in your background check too?" Presently, she was practically spitting nails.

Jax was surprised when the name rang familiar to him. He had seen him in a few fights, he was sure Tig or Happy may have even fought him at one point. He could see his face now. Troubled, vicious. And a damn good left-hook. He was surprised to hear he was a junkie. He remembered him quick on his feet and a force to be reckoned with. In Jax's mind, most junkies were weak-willed thieves, pussy's incapable of taking care of themselves let alone a wife and kids. The idea that he had married Jennifer and knocked her up twice was almost laughably audacious.

"And why does Tully give a shit what happens to you if you and Jeremy are done?"

She shrugged, it was hard to put into words. Possessiveness? He empathized with her? Sometimes, she didn't even know why he still took up for her. But she knew, deep down, that Tully was just as disgusted in her son's drug use as she was. He would never voice it, and he would never cast his son out completely, but he supported her move to get out. He supported all she did, because he knew she was the only adult in the marriage strong enough to take care of both kids. And deeper than all of that, Tully and Jennifer were alike, although they would never realize it. They were strange, they were loners. They didn't understand the weak pull of emotions that most people felt. They were internally callous.

"We're close, we always have been. Me and Jeremy grew up together. He really is like second dad to me." She decided to leave out the part where her and her biological father barely spoke anymore. She figured, the more people Jax thought might be gunning for him if he harmed her, the better. "He doesn't agree with Jeremy's drug use. He supports me moving away from all that. He's territorial, what can I say?"

Jax nodded, feigning interest. But he was interested. Too much, he thought. Jennifer couldn't see that, though. All she could see was a man trying to gauge how much of a risk she was to him.

"So why isn't your family taking care of you? I doubt they want you selling your ass online to the highest bidder."

Her face and neck flushed a rosy shade of pink as she made a half-hearted attempt to control her anger. She stood up from her chair, looking down on him with contempt. "I don't need a man to handle my shit. I've got two kids to support. My money is no more dirty than yours and my kids won't live on charity. My ass sells good, Jax. You should try it sometime. Giving your shit away for free isn't some 'get in to heaven free' card."

Jax was openly checking her out as she stood up and gave him the what-for, but he moved to get up now, openly laughing. "Settle down. I'm not knocking it, sweetheart. I just know no one under my protection would be getting by that way. Figured the Brotherhood had the same standards, but I'm not sure why I gave them so much credit.

"You don't know them, you don't know any of them!" She raised her voice now, standing up straighter. She may disagree with that side of her life in more ways than one, but she knew them, she knew their hearts. They weren't soulless individuals with no ethics. In all honesty, most of them joined the Brotherhood for the power and the comradery. Very few of them truly beat their chest anymore on all that racist bullshit. Sure, the organization may have started out that way, but she knew better than anyone it was more of street gang now than a supremacist group. "And you should only hope to be so lucky." She looked him up and down, but it was in disapproval rather than the lust she saw reflected in his eyes.

Jax moved closer, his hand finding her waist and the other one fisting lightly in her hair. He looked at her with pure intention as his lips moved to hers, and she was offended and betrayed at her physical reaction. As much as she hated him, she wanted him. She wanted the control and satisfaction of making his eyes roll into the back of his head in bliss. She wanted to own that shit. His mouth found hers and he quickly made his entrance, dominating her as though he was fucking her even though he was nowhere near. She had never felt so violated and turned on simultaneously. But her pride was stronger than her lust, a virtue he clearly required. She pulled away from him, landing her open palm on his check with a sound that was so harsh in their closed off room she felt like the entire party must have heard it. Jax looked menacing, like every part of him that was on fire had just been doused in cold water. He was getting slightly tired of this shit. If she was going to smack him every time they had an encounter, he might break his moral code and catch a domestic violence charge. She met him stare for stare. Instead of backing away and running out like her body screamed at her to do, she spoke in the calmest voice she could manage.

"I don't want to see you again."

"That's too bad. Tully asked me a favor, and I intend to keep it. I'm supposed to make sure you're safe until he gets out. Call me crazy, but I'd rather be on your bad side than his."

She could hardly comprehend what was coming out of his mouth. Before she knew it, his arm was around her shoulder's as he led her out of the room, as nonchalant as though nothing had happened at all.

"Come on. I'll give you a ride home so you don't end up dead in ditch somewhere tonight." Although his words were meant to be comforting, she felt a chill run up her spine.


	3. Seeing You Got Ritualistic

**AN: Chapter 3! Cause I'm feeling inspired I guess. Get at me with some reviews. XOXO**

They had fallen into a routine. For Jennifer, the routine existed out of sheer laziness. For Jax, the routine was based on determination.

It had been a few weeks since the night of Luann's wrap party. She had curved him ruthlessly when he had dropped her off at her house that night. Being her first time on a bike, she was slightly shocked she had made it all the way on the back of his Dyna without becoming a stain on the highway. But when his eyes got all hot and heavy when he parked in her driveway, she had told him in no uncertain terms that he could get his dick wet tonight, but it wouldn't be with her. She even threw in a little depreciating humor, insinuating that he could never land her in a million years. He kept his wit, though, and she hoped, once again, that it would be the last time she had to see him. Something about him made her heart race, made every move seem surreal. She chalked it up to being exasperated with him, too shallow to consider her feelings any further.

But, he kept showing up. Sometimes at her house, late at night, he would greet her with a somber glaze in his eyes, and the remnants of blood cleaned off him. Sometimes he would manage to see her around town as she moved about working her odd jobs running book. He never wasted time with small talk and pleasantries. In fact, he treated her like he had known her for a long time, calling her out on her shit, aiming vicious, barbed words at her with a know-it-all smile on his face, and she threw them back blow for blow. Sometimes, their banter got so senseless they would both end up fuming and cursing as they parted ways.

But, she had decided she wasn't getting rid of him anytime soon, and chose to enjoy what she could of it. She still found it unbelievable that Tully had tasked him with keeping her safe, as he had claimed. Whether he had meant it as a joke or a thinly veiled threat seemed to be irrelevant to Jax. She could only assume that he liked hanging out with her, though she wasn't sure why. She was surprised in some of the ways she enjoyed his company, though. He was blunt, shameless in his actions once he set his mind to something. And sometimes the stories he told left her in stitches, laughing so hard she would cry. Despite how cocky and vulgar he was, which she found slightly distasteful, she found that they operated on the same wavelength in a basic way. And she did enjoy the familiar comfort of having the sheer power of him following her around, like an imposing shadow. It was nice to have a man around that was big and intimidating enough to back up the threats she was prone to making, and it was even better to know that he didn't think twice about following through on them. No one thought about messing with her when Jax was around. His reputation preceded him, but for those he didn't know him, his swagger and calm, vicious energy seemed to keep even the strangers subdued in animalistic way, the way animals in the forest get quiet when there's a predator around.

She hadn't heard from Tully since his phone call a few weeks ago. Jennifer didn't know what was going on with the Sons and the Brotherhood, but she assumed something wasn't quite right because anytime her family would get mentioned in casual conversation he seemed to tense up a little. If she was in the middle of a volatile situation that was about blow up, she wanted to know when to duck. She was shrewd, and her loyalty always lay with the winning team. If there was something going on, she knew just where she could find out the truth about it.

SOASOASOASOASOASOASOASOA

Nucky and Melly's house sat on the outskirts of Lodi, surrounded by barren, solitary dessert, where it always seemed windy and everything was covered in a layer of dust no matter how much Melly kept up on the housework. If Jennifer was a caricature of the female form, Nucky was the same as a man. Solid, strong, simple. He didn't tolerate foolishness and had a very black and white view of the world, and didn't mind imposing his beliefs with an iron-fist. He was a follower, through and through, but he had the discerning mind to work his way up and there seemed to be no stopping him.

It was hard to understand why Lacey ended up with him. She was a small, waif of a girl. Jennifer was 99% sure she still shopped in the girl's section, she always complained that she couldn't find anything mature enough to wear without looking like she was swimming in it. She was pale, her long blonde hair almost platinum, and it was surprisingly all natural. She never wore makeup, and Jennifer thought it didn't do much to disparage the sickly, weak look she had going on.

Lacey, for all the sin her husband was wrapped in, was surprisingly modest and moralistic. She turned a blind eye to almost anything Nucky did, deferring to him as the head of household and always looking for the best in whatever motivated his actions. Jennifer loved Lacey, because Lacey loved and supported Jennifer unconditionally. She was her only real friend. She couldn't help but be ashamed though, that her love for Lacey was akin to the way you love something weaker then you – it was wrought with pity. It was no surprise that Lacey was still in emotional shambles over the year long fight her and her brother had been in. They were both so pig-headed she didn't think they would ever see eye to eye again, and she honestly didn't give a fuck. Nucky was ashamed that Jennifer had given up on her husband, that she hadn't been able to forgive his drug use for the thousandth time. But if he was ashamed of that, he was furious about her getting into the sex industry to support herself. It brought dishonor to him, their entire family, the entire goddam Brotherhood at large. And her inability to stand by her man was just something he couldn't stomach or understand.

To their credit, Nucky and her father hadn't told Jeremy what she was doing for cash. She may be on their eternal shit-list, but even they knew that would be a step in a direction they could never recover from. And deep-down, they all knew they would recover from this eventually. Their family may be broken and dysfunctional, but if they ever had to close rank on an outsider, to protect one another, it would be done without a moment's hesitation. That would never change no matter how much they battled internally with one another.

Her jean jacket was her only protection against the wind and the sun as she pulled her SUV up outside her brother's home, unleashing her son from the confines of his booster seat as her daughter ran out of her side of the car. They were both eager to see their cousins, and she felt a pang of guilt at how distant they had all been lately. The kids deserved to suffer least of all through these bullshit, adult problems. They ran to the door, the screen banging as they marched in. She could hear Lacey greeting them with happiness, no doubt smothering them in hugs and kisses as she made her way in behind them. Lacey hugged her too when she got in, and the children soon disappeared upstairs to their own little world as Jen and Lacey sat down over coffee. She would have preferred a beer, but she decided not to scandalize her sister-in-law by asking for one.

After the pleasantries were aside and Lacey had bullied her into promising to come over more, Jennifer cut to the chase. "What's going on with the Brotherhood, Lacey? Things have been tense around Charming lately." She knew it wouldn't do to tell her sister that she had been hanging around an MC enough to catch onto the tension. As far as Lacey knew, the only reason she had her ear to the ground in Charming was because she worked there often. If her brother and father didn't hate her enough already, catting around with Jax Teller would have been the nail in the coffin. Instead, she kept things vague, knowing it wouldn't take much to have Lacey spilling her guts about all the things she had seen and heard. For as meek as she was, she was smart, and not much that her husband was involved with got by her.

She shook her head sadly. "I don't know, Jen. But it's something big. They've been dealing with the Mayans."

Of all the answers she could have gotten, she wasn't sure that she could have conjured up something this outrageous. In all her 25 years of life, she had never seen her father's organization deal with color.

"Why the hell would they be doing that?" She knew it had to be drugs, there was nothing else that made sense.

"There's someone around lately... Ethan Zoebelle, he touched down in town and he's been calling the shots ever since. He's from the Nationalist League. I'm not sure why he's on the streets getting dirty, but he's so high up no one questions him." Jennifer shook her head, trying to make sense of this information.

"And that's not all. They've been setting up in Charming."

Jennifer looked at her, seriousness radiating through her expression in every sense of the world. "Lacey, you know we can't be in Charming." It was death wish… As long as she'd been alive, they had never been welcome to do business in Charming. What the fuck was the Brotherhood doing, inciting a turf war? Suddenly, the harmless time she had been spending with Jax seemed like a vast mistake.

Jennifer and Nucky had spent their elementary school years living in Charming, although her father always kept his business outside of it. If growing up in Charming connected to the MC made you an outsider, there was no way to comprehend the level of malevolence they had felt from the residents of that town with Peckerwoods for parents and uncles. When even the town bad boys hated you, you were most certainly out casted in every sense of the word.

Before Jennifer could say anything else, she heard the front door open. Her brother walked in, his glare leveled on her. She knew he wouldn't start a fight now, not with the kids in the house, and certainly not in front of his wife who was likely to bust out crying if she had to witness such a thing. She matched his glare with all the insolence she could muster as she stood up from the dining room table. Fretting, Lacey got up as well.

"Jennifer, you and the kids should stay for dinner."

"That's alright." She answered evenly, her gaze not breaking her brother's even though she wasn't addressing him. "We were just leaving."

SOASOASOASOASOASOASOA

It was a Friday afternoon, Jennifer found herself over a mess of scattered paperwork in Charming's local flower shop trying to reconcile the books. Her glasses perched on her nose, she hardly noticed the wind and the dark skies whipping around outside the glass windows of the shop. There was no doubt, a storm was coming. Rita had left about an hour ago, and since the kids were with the grandmother for the night, she had decided to stay and get the work done, promising Rita she would lock up after she left. When the front door jingled, she got up from the desk in the back office and walked into the shop.

The woman before he was gangly, a thick mess of dirty blonde hair framing her unfortunately sharp facial features. Her suit, she was sure was expensive, but it hung on her frame in a cheap way. Although she was sure there was little this woman could put on that she would actually fill out, with the curves of a prepubescent teen and all. Jennifer approached her, eager to get her back out of the door so she could get back to her work.

"I'm sorry, but the place is closed. They forgot to flip the sign. You'll have to come back tomorrow morning."

The stranger continued gazing and walking around the flower arrangements that crowded the main room. "That's alright, I'm not here to buy."

At 6 PM on a Friday, Jen's patience was at an all-time low. She didn't speak, afraid of the vicious words that might escape her mouth if she opened it.

"I'm surprised to see you here, working a day job. Camming slow these days?"

She couldn't believe she hadn't realized it immediately, but she had to chalk it up to her exhaustion and being neck deep in paperwork. Everything about this bitch screamed Fed. This wasn't the first time she had dealt with one, and knowing her life, it most certainly wouldn't be the last. She wasn't about to go rounds with this hoe.

"The fuck do you want?" Jennifer asked, her voice level, lethally monotone as she pushed her reading glasses up on her head to get her hair out of her face.

She pulled a badge out of her blazer. "Agent June Stahl, ATF. Just wanted a few words with you. You're a special girl, Jennifer Connelly. In fact, it's a little impressive. I've never seen one girl have so many men from so many organizations on a leash. You must give some great head."

She could see her angle, she wanted to confuse her by dropping information. And to be honest, it was working. Jennifer knew she couldn't let her in even a bit, or Stahl would bust through the door and start taking hostages.

"Yeah, it's nice being a girl. You should unscrew that dick of yours sometime and give it a go." Jennifer stepped forward, getting closer in her personal space. It was one of her default tactics. She was not a small woman, and she knew the imposing threat of physical violence wasn't something to pass up on. She could snap this bitch in half if she wanted to. She could feel Stahl's energy shift to nervous excitement. What the hell was wrong with this woman?

"I'm sure it is. But, it's a little dangerous playing on both sides of the street, don't you think? You're bound to get hit eventually." When Stahl had first dropped in on Jen's phone conversation with Tully, she had been over joyed. A woman who clearly meant so much to a shot-caller in the Aryan Brotherhood was invaluable, especially since they were making moves to get into gun-dealing. When she had found out Jennifer had kids, she was sure she had her by the neck. Nothing made a girl flip faster than threatening her offspring. But after tailing he for a few weeks, she couldn't contain her excitement when she saw her taking up with Jax Teller. Jennifer was a gold mine. If she played her cards right, she could get her to flip on both gangs. She was vested to be the perfecting stepping stone for her career, and she had practically fallen in her lap.

Jen chose to keep silent, giving nothing away. If this bitch wanted to talk, she'd let her run her mouth. She wasn't about to indulge her.

"I get it… You're just trying to take care of your kids. Be a good mom. I'm not going to judge how you get by." Stahl remarked, putting her hands in the air as a mock surrender. "But you should be more careful about who you spend your time with. I'm sure you know the dangers of affiliating with known gun-runners."

Jennifer hadn't bothered to dwell too long on how the MC made their money, but it was known on the street that they were the big fish around here in the gun-running business. She didn't really care one way or another. It was no less dirty than the drugs and girls the Brotherhood turned out. Everyone had their end-game.

"You know your dear old dad is running guns now, right? Both dad's, I guess I should say." Stahl's voice oozed with vindication and sarcasm, and Jennifer itched to bounce her face of the counter. She was struggling to keep her composure, breathing evenly as she tried to keep her focus on the task at hand rather than letting her mind tailspin with the information she was dropping on her.

"And your husband" Stahl continued, "We had a nice long conversation today. He asked me to bring this to you. I can help, you know, if you want to get out of this mess." Stahl handed her a manila envelope, and Jennifer refused to open it even though she was about to explode wondering what was inside. Throwing the envelope on the counter, Jennifer stalked towards her.

Her eyes were full of rage and fire as she squared up to her. "I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire, much less take whatever bullshit help you're offering. Don't waste your time on me, bitch. I'm not playing this game."

Stahl smiled as she eyed her up and down, in respect or fear or both, the way a child might eye a science experiment. This broad seriously had a few screws loose. "Fair enough," She acquiesced. "When you change your mind" She nodded towards the envelope on the counter, "You know where to find me." And with that, she stalked out of the flower shop, ringing the bell again behind her.

Jennifer was shaking so hard she could hardly think straight. Anything that had to do with Jeremy put her anxiety through the roof. He had put her through hell and back, and her nerves were so on edge, she could scarcely hear his name now without her day being ruined. She lit a cigarette, any professional courtesy she would normally exercise suddenly gone out the window. After taking a few drags, she walked towards the counter and opened the contents of the envelope that was threatening to shake her sanity if she dwelled on it any longer. Inside, her divorce papers that she had sent Jeremy more times than she could count, were returned, signed. But as she looked through them more thoroughly, she noticed the conditions had been changed. Jeremy was asking for full custody, citing her work in the sex industry as making her a morally unfit mother. And there was more. The court date was set for one month's time, when Jeremy would be out of prison with his time served. She stood still, rigid as her heart was threatening to beat out of her chest. Before she knew what was happening, her anxiety broke out as she smashed everything in her general vicinity, using every ounce of strength she had, pots screaming as they shattered while dirt flew about the room, her spiked boots stomping the lifeless flowers beneath her.

Across the street, Gemma Teller-Morrow shook her head as she watched the entire scene unfold from start to finish. She didn't know who this bitch was, but she knew Jax had taken up with her. There was little Jax did that got past her radar these days, and she had keenly noticed his absence from the clubhouse a few nights a week. Judging from her reaction to the ATF shakedown, she had something secret buried. She was sure as shit going to find out what it was.

SOASOASOASOASOASOASOASOA

The night had fell on her house, matching her mood, the darkness almost driving her to distraction. Jennifer had never been a religious person, at least not where it counted. She was a bad person. She knew there would be no forgiveness for her when she died, if God was anything like they had taught her in Catholic school growing up. But tonight, she prayed. Prayed for forgiveness and mercy, prayed to God to give her the strength she needed to overcome this crippling weight on her shoulders. She wasn't perfect, as a mother and in her life, she had done so much wrong. But her love for her children was from the deepest and purest part of her heart. She would die before she let them be taken away from her. She didn't want to die; she wanted to live with them.

The knock at her door scared her, she jumped up from the couch and peered out her window where she took note of the familiar bike in her driveway. She was not dressed for company, and her eyes were swollen and red from the crying and pleading she had done earlier. But she knew Jax and was accustomed to this situation, and she knew he was nothing if not persistent. Knowing she was home, he wasn't going to leave without checking on her.

Opening the door, she struggled to meet his gaze as he took in her appearance. Despite being slightly turned on that she was in an oversized shirt and maybe a pair of panties, he shook the lust from his head as he could see something wasn't right. His face turned serious as he pushed his way in, shutting the door behind him.

"The kids here?"

"They're with their grandmother." She answered, hating the way her voice shook and wavered. She could hardly talk at this point without crying. She was glad they had been gone tonight. The state she was in would have scared them, shook their sense of security. They never saw their mom cry, at least, not since dad had been gone.

Jax moved closer to her, taking note of the house, surprised that everything was in order. His hands came up, rubbing her arms as he talked to her in a calm voice, like he was talking to a scared child.

"What happened, darlin'?" He didn't know what he expected to hear, but the way she looked, he was sure someone had died. He had never seen her so distraught and vulnerable, and he felt that he had a decent gauge of her at this point. He felt protective, sad, enraged that she was so shook up, the same way a person might feel when they dealt with a child who had their feelings hurt.

"Things are about as bad as they can be, Jax." She said, biting her lip to keep it from trembling as she rubbed her tears away with the back of her hand. She didn't know what to say. Between all the knowledge Lacey and Stahl had dropped on her today concerning her family and the MC, she didn't know what she could tell him. There was no starting point that made sense. But none of that mattered now. "He's trying to take my kids from me… My babies, he's trying to take them, Jax. He's saying I'm morally unfit because of what I do! That piece of shit…" She fumed, "I do everything to make sure they have what they need, because he failed! And now he wants to take them from me!" Jennifer openly sobbed and Jax took her into his arms, rubbing her back and holding her like he had no intention of letting go. She hated this. On top of everything, she hated how good it felt to be in his arms, his protective embrace a cocoon from the world. She couldn't stop though. The sounds broke through her like waves, until she felt like she couldn't breathe.

Jax was fuming. They had only discussed her husband a few times, but he had done nothing to earn Jax's understanding or respect. Jen may not be on the right side of life, ethically, but she was a good mother. A loving, responsible, caring mother. He had seen it with his own eyes. And not this fucker wanted to turn some legally screw like this and shake her up? What the fuck had she ever done to earn his wrath, besides getting sick of putting up with his weak bullshit?

Jennifer turned her head up to him, and he wiped her tears away with his thumb as he looked down at her with possessiveness and devotion. He didn't need to speak, his eyes told her that he wasn't going to let that happen. It didn't matter who was involved, it didn't matter that Tully was in the middle of this. He didn't know what was going on with him and Jennifer, it was hard to gauge his feelings towards her most days. But they had become friends, at the very least, and he wasn't going to let them tear her apart.

Before she knew what was happening, her lips moved to his, shocking him into a moment of breathlessness and rendering him immovable. Her hands moved up, fisting into his hair as she deepened the kiss with a bold fervency. It didn't take long for him to reciprocate, shaking himself out of his stupor. They stood there, and it was timeless, as their tongues moved together in a languid, sensual dance that claimed and stirred all the right parts in them. Jax's hands slid down her waist, bending at the curve of her hips as they made her way to her ass, grabbing and appreciating, before lifting her up. Her legs curled around him a death lock, kissing his neck as he made his way back to her bedroom.


	4. You Get Me Closer To God

**A/U: Thank you for the reviews! To answer one of them, no this story does not follow the show completely. I just took what works from the show and warped it to better fit the story. And no, Tara does not come back. She's not an element in this at all. XOXO**

When Jennifer woke, she tried to keep her eyes shut for as long as possible. The shower was running in her bathroom, proof that she hadn't slept alone. Something about it felt wrong, but she couldn't help but bask in the post-coital bliss she was feeling. It had been a long year since she had been properly fucked. Images of the nasty shit they had done together last night played through her mind on a reel, like some self-sabotaging, torturous movie. Finally, she pulled herself up out of her bed, naked as the day she came into this world, before slipping on the t-shirt that had been carelessly discarded on the floor the night before.

Coffee brewed in the kitchen, and the smell alone seemed to perk her up. A few minutes later, she heard the shower stop and Jax made his way out of her bedroom shortly after, walking down the hallway as he put his shirt on. She thought it was fucking sinful that anyone should look so good, the way his jeans hung on his hips, the way it took him a grand total of 10 minutes to look basically flawless. She couldn't help but scowl at the thought.

He met her in the kitchen, a self-satisfied smirk on his face as he kissed her on the cheek, hand grazing her hip and giving it an appreciative squeeze before he grabbed the second cup of coffee on the counter. He wanted to talk to her, about her ex-husband and what was shaking her up, about what they'd done last night. But her walls were up again, and she was the same pain in the ass he had grown accustomed to over the last month all over again. The girl that was crying in his arms last night was a ghost. She was in all her glory… defensive, haughty, forcefully independent, and completely stubborn. So, he kept his mouth shut.

"Last night was… Fun," she started.

He shook his head, his eyes turning from hopeful appreciation to bitterness in a split second.

"But?"

She looked up from her coffee now, amazed that he couldn't see things the same way. "But it was a mistake. Look, Jax. My life is fucked up enough without anything else coming into it."

He scoffed at her words. "Your life ain't anymore fucked up than mine, sweetheart. Quit dramatizing your bullshit. It's pretty much par for the course around here."

She was a fucking mess. She was a single mother, a slut shaking her ass for money. Her baby daddy was a fucking psycho threatening to blow up at any minute, her family was at odds with him and his family in every sense of the word. They always had been and they always would be. She couldn't believe he couldn't see it.

"Yeah, well before I met you, I didn't have the ATF up my ass. And she's already made things 10 times worse." She spit back, malice in every one of her words.

Jax looked at her, here they were, back to shooting verbal blanks at one another. Sometimes, he sincerely wanted to backhand her. She was so fucking short-sighted and stubborn, he didn't know how she made it this far. But, she had a lot of people watching her back.

"Stahl?"

"That's right. The only reason Jeremy is pushing for custody is because that bitch decided to expose my secrets to him. It's the only thing he could ever use against me, Jax. She's fucking smart."

Jax shook his head, wiping his hand down his face to shake himself out of what he was feeling. "I'm sorry, alright. We'll take care of Stahl."

"The fuck does it matter?!" She asked, her voice rising a few notches too high. "The damage is already done. Now I have to figure out how to clean it up, like always." Jennifer walked towards the front door, hoping he would follow behind and she could lure him out of her house. He followed, grabbing her by the arm before she made it all the way there.

"You didn't say anything?" He asked, his voice tight, laced with a million unspoken questions and promises.

Jennifer yanked her arm back out of his grasp, looking at him as though he'd committed a mortal sin. "If you really need to ask me that, you should probably just get the fuck out." She ground out, her voice menacingly slow. Jax's expression was that of barely controlled rage as he locked eyes with her before leaving.

She peered out of her living room blinds and watched him start his bike and leave, before they snapped back into place as she pulled her fingers back. She had never been so relieved to be rid of someone. She couldn't dwell on Jax, what had happened between them. She had shit to take care of. And besides, she was 99% sure it had been meaningless. She didn't know why she had melted into him last night, except that she was emotional and he was warm and willing. And he hadn't disappointed. She still felt her stomach tighten, thinking of all the ways he had claimed her last night, treating her like gold. But, still, he had debased her in all the right ways, like he was completely tuned into the most animalistic needs she had.

She had to hop in the shower quick and get herself decent so she could go start fixing this fucking mess. She still didn't know what the fuck to do about Jeremy, so she was going to hear it from the horse's mouth. Did she get a lawyer, fight it legal? It was a toss-up. He wasn't exactly a model citizen, but she knew most people had a harsh reaction to sex work. She wasn't about to put her fate in the hands of some old ass judge who would likely throw the book at her rather than realize she was doing all of this FOR her kids. She didn't know of anyone she could turn to at this point. Her father and her brother were likely to watch her get thrown under the bus and side with him since they had the same disapproval, and she was so disgusted with Jeremy at this point she could hardly stand the thought of begging Tully for help. She knew how much he sympathized with her, but he couldn't control Jeremy, and she doubted he was going to shake things up by trying.

She slipped on a jeans and t shirt, blowing her hair dry and putting her makeup on. She had called the kid's grandmother and made sure she could pick them up this evening instead of this morning. Then, she made another call, pacing around the living room as she waited to be transferred.

"Hi, this is Jennifer Connelly. I'm calling to schedule a conjugal visit."

SOASOASOASOASOASOASOASOA

It had been two long weeks since her visit with her estranged husband and two weeks since she had seen Jax. She had never been so confused or shook up as she was now. The blow to her motherhood had left her weak, and she had shut herself away from the rest of the world, like an animal licking its wounds. All she did was work and stay with her kids, determined to push it all to the back of her mind, and to stay away from what she believed was the ultimate source of the problem.

She refused to see her place in all of this. Turning to camming was never an easy decision for her, but she had always felt backed into a corner, exhausted of every option before she landed on that decision. And it wasn't as though she had a moral objection to it, she was far from modest or stuck-up. But she did worry about how it might affect her life, her kid's lives, and their collective future. Namely, the exact problem she was dealing with now – being threatened to have the state decide whether or not she was a good mother. With her occupation, the last fucking place she wanted to land in was family court, where one person got to decide the future of her kids. It didn't matter that what she did for money was legal, there was too much risk to put her kids in that position.

She thought back to the first days of when she had finally come up with the courage to leave him. She didn't know what she would do it. She had no job, no savings. Fuck, she didn't even have a car that she owned. When she had finally had enough of his druggie bullshit, all she had was two kids and a house payment. But she knew she had to find a way to make it. Sometimes, she wasn't sure how she made it. She worked odd jobs, barely scraping by, fretting over what she could do to get them better off. But eventually she got sick of it. She knew there was lots of money out there and all she had to do was reach out and grab it. Did it make her just as bad as the people she couldn't stand? She wasn't sure. She didn't know how judgement would fall on her in final days. All she knew was that she didn't necessarily regret it, and she liked not having to worry so much about how she would feed them. But the world was a cold fucking place and anytime she got comfortable, she was always reminded of that. You couldn't trust anyone.

Her visit with Jeremy had fucked her mind up even more if that was possible. Stahl hadn't fabricated too much of the story to him. She was a cam girl and, oh, she was also fucking a Son. Apparently, the combination of the two was enough to push him over the edge. He had told her in no uncertain terms, that he was going to have his family back, and he didn't mind having to twist her arm to do it. If she didn't want him to push for custody, all she had to do was take him back and let things go back to normal. He was done with drugs he said, and he could take care of them just fine. She didn't need to make money. And, he would be out… real soon.

She didn't bother to deny being with Jax, because it wasn't true, and even if it was, it was none of his fucking business. The fact that he still thought he had claim over her and the kids after all he'd put her through, all he'd forced her into, all the ways he had let her down, made her blood boil. Jax was something she chose to avoid thinking about too much. She didn't know what his place was in her life (or vice versa). She couldn't understand why they were drawn together. They fought like cats and dogs, and what's worse, there were a million and ten reasons why being together was a bad idea. She didn't like what he stirred in her. The last thing she needed was to let in someone just as dangerous as the person she had just fought tooth and nail to make a life away from. And most of all, she didn't like how much they were alike. Because she knew how ruthless and devoid of emotion she was, deep down. And She didn't want to invite that in her life. She wanted something better, or she'd take being all alone any day.

She looked down at her on the couch with her as the dozed peacefully, basking in the glow of the TV reflecting their favorite movie. She couldn't help how her heart swelled with so much love and pride she felt like she would burst. Everything she had done in her life since they'd been born, it had all been for them. And therefore it was all worth it ten times over. Erin was so much like her… Headstrong, with a quick mouth. A love for life and adventure, yet quiet and reserved before she decided someone was worthy of her time. She expected that had come from all the disappointment she had experienced with a father who couldn't get shit right. And Michael, still so young, was wild in every sense of the word. He was still young enough that he didn't realize all that was going on. Being the second born, he had less memories of them as a family, before Jeremy had gone off the rails, unlike Erin who could remember when it all went wrong and how much things had changed. Her heart ached when she thought about the fact that there was no way to protect them from that pain. Their father was who he was, and they were alive because Jennifer had chosen him. There was only so much she could do to shield them from the effect of that. All that she knew, was that she wouldn't lose. And she would fight harder than she ever fought. She still didn't know which route to go, which weapon to best equip herself with. But she felt that in the depths of her soul. She would die before anyone took them from her.

Jennifer's phone buzzed next to her, and she picked it up. A message from Jax – "Call me." It wasn't the first she'd received from him in the last two weeks. She'd been dodging his calls consistently. She rolled her eyes, shutting off her phone, as she settled in to doze off next to her babies. Why couldn't he just leave well enough alone?

SOASOASOASOASOASOASOA

Jax was back in default.

He has spent the last week or so trying to drink away his problems. Everything going on with the Club, with Clay, with his fucking head. It was threatening to do him in. He couldn't help but feel like he was missing a piece of the puzzle. Things had been so twisted lately, and he had this strange, heavy feeling that they were only going to get worse. Usually the Club dealt with a problem and then they settled back into their routine, but not this time. The hits just kept coming and he felt like he could barely catch his breath between blows.

What pissed him off the most though, is that she seemed to be at the center of it. They had plenty of issues with White, that had never been anything new. But the level of bullshit they had been facing lately seemed to be tied directly to them. And above it all, he hated that he couldn't stop thinking about her sometimes. He was like a fiend – one taste and he needed more. He was even willing to fight dirty for it. He had never had such reactions invoked in him before. Pussy was always just that – pussy. And while he had a handful of women in his life that he respected and cherished, he couldn't classify her in that group. She had pulled him in, and he was so wrapped in getting back inside, he wasn't even sure if he was thinking straight anymore. He knew he was nowhere near breaking down her walls enough to be close enough to her. Sleeping with her hadn't changed that a bit. She had used him like a toy, for comfort, and he had enjoyed every minute of it. But most of all, he despised the way he didn't just want another taste of that. He felt some primal, protective predisposition towards her. And when he tried to rationalize why in his head, he couldn't fucking make sense of it which scared him even more. The fact that she had been ignoring him, where previously she was responsive and open, heated him- especially knowing how her baby daddy was back in the picture shaking things up. He kept talking himself out of riding out to her house, knowing she wouldn't answer and he would probably break the door down. That's how fucking crazy he felt lately.

He was a bottle deep when he brought Winsome back to his room at the clubhouse. They had never been close enough to constitute a relationship, but it was no secret that she was a his favorite side piece. They fucked on the regular and had a decent relationship as friends. She was perfect- natural, witty, never expected anything of him. In most ways, she acted like one of the guys. So, whenever he wanted some, he preferred her familiar embrace over the rest. She was always around, working at Cara Cara. And everyone knew that certain girl belonged to him, and they kept their hands out of the honey pot.

And tonight was no different, as she was on all fours below him, gripping the bed rail with one hand to keep her balance while she absorbed his blows. He was angry, at the fact that all he could see in his head tonight was another brunette. She had a good 20 pounds on Winsome, and she threw it back about ten times as good. He could still smell her, that perfect, personal smell that he was way too dense to figure out but could pick out of a lineup. He could hear her voice, raspy and tempting, pitching higher or lower based on her level of annoyance. He could feel her pressed up against his body, melting into him like he was the only safe space around. He had thought that fucking Jennifer would have dissolved his mental preoccupation with her, but if anything it had made it worse. He had never craved someone before. He craved pussy plenty, but a particular set of lips? No, that was new. And all he could do was fuck the girl beneath him harder in anger that, although she was good, she just wasn't her.

SOASOASOASOASOASOASOA

A week later, Jennifer was in her kitchen chugging a beer over the sink when her phone went off. It wasn't her classiest moment, but it was almost ten and she had just got done camming for 2 hours straight and although it had been a lucrative night with two shows that had brought in just under $500 each, she was fucking worn out. She saw Jax's number jumping across the screen, and against her better judgement, she picked it up.

"Yeah?"

"Fucking finally." He answered, breathing an internal sigh of relief.

"Yeah, I know. Shit's been sideways. What's up?"

"There's a party at the clubhouse tonight. Figured I'd see if you wanted to come. Wanted to make sure you're alive and all."

She laughed, finishing the beer before tossing it in the bin. "I'm alive as ever. I don't have a sitter Jax, sorry."

"Don't go to sleep yet, I'm coming over." Jennifer scoffed at the phone, didn't he even have the decency to pretend to ask her permission first? It was infuriating that it only took about 2 minutes of civil conversation between them before they were right back to pissing each other off.

"No, you're not." Jennifer said, before realizing the line was already dead. She sighed as she walked back to her room, unlocking the front door on her way there, knowing that trying to call him back to tell him not to come would be a waste of time. She threw on some pajama shorts and a tank top, there was no way in hell she was putting a bra back on this late at night after being naked for the better part of two hours. There was nothing she could do but wait now, so she flipped on MTV after she opened another beer, mindlessly zoning out on Jersey Shore reruns.

She didn't expect Jax to knock, which was why she had flipped the lock for him. When she heard it, she got up and opened the door, trying to keep a glare on her face, but somehow, she couldn't help but have a smile force its way through from seeing him. He brought out some childlike playfulness in her that had long been dead and buried. She wasn't sure why, or how, and they were both too caught up and grounded in the real world to understand it, but it was because Jax adored her in the unconditional way a parent adored a child, which gave her all the freedom and the courage to be herself completely. She could feel that adoration even if she couldn't recognize it.

"Well, come on in I guess." She said, feigning annoyance in her voice as she walked back to the kitchen to grab two more beers. She was already on beer 3 and she had no intention of slowing down if she had to stay up and hang out with him tonight.

"You got anything stronger?" Jax asked, following her in. She thought for a moment before opening up the cabinet above the fridge and pulling out a bottle Svedka, raising her eyebrows at him in question.

"Fuck it, why not." She turned around to grab two shot glasses before Jax laughed, coming up behind her, placing a hand on her hip. "Don't worry about those. We can slum it and pass the bottle." Ugh, why did he have to be such a dog? He was always sniffing around her, making it impossible for her to not end up acting like a bitch in heat.

"Whatever you say, boss." She replied, walking out to the back patio and lighting a cigarette. The night air was cool and refreshing on her skin, she had worked up quite a sweat earlier and she was finally starting to relax after performing. She closed her eyes, basking in it.

"Busy night?" Jax asked, amusement in his voice.

"Oh yeah. About a grand worth of business in my busy night. I feel like I could pass out but I'm still too wired."

Jax whistled. "Must have been some show to pull in that kinda money." He didn't know what it was about her, how knowing what she had just done for money could simultaneously interest him, turn him on, and piss him off.

She smirked at him. "You have no idea" she said, her tone implying that he wished he did.

Jax pretended to pat himself down looking for his wallet. "I think I got a few hundred on me if you're in business for an encore show?"

Jen couldn't help but laugh. "You already got it for free, and now you're willing to pay for it?"

"Hey, I was always willing to pay for it. I just got lucky." They had passed the bottle back and forth between them a few times, and Jennifer felt the warmth of being drunk starting to course through her. She had even less of a filter when she was drunk, and she thought that maybe she should slow down considering all that was going on between them.

"So, I gotta know, what kind of show pulls in a grand for a couple hours of work?"

She looked at him sideways, her face serious. "You really want to know?"

When he shook his head, she shrugged, he had already seen every part of her and it was no secret what she did. "I've been camming for almost a year now, right? Well, tonight was the first time I did ass-play on camera. So, my regulars were pretty hyped. I had teased doing it a couple times before, but I had set the bar high, telling them they had to tip me up collectively to $2,000 before the show would start. I have to give 30% to the website, and 30% goes aside for taxes. So, the first couple of times I did it they didn't get me up to $2,000 in the time frame so I kept their money and didn't do a show. They were pissed, but they knew I wasn't fucking around this time so they all coughed it up."

Jax couldn't blame them, her ass was prime. He laughed out loud. "Shit, I'm in the wrong business."

"Yeah, I make money without all the danger of gun-running. So I'd say I'm the smart one between the two of us." She took a generous pull off the bottle.

Jax eyed her warily. "What do you know about gun-running?"

Their light-hearted conversation suddenly turned heavy. Jennifer had fought with herself about whether she should tell Jax about the knowledge Stahl had dropped on her about the Aryans getting into guns with Zoebelle. She didn't know how it would all land, and it was all so confusing. She didn't want her family to get hurt, but she felt some strange sense of loyalty to Jax, and she didn't know why. He could be gone from her life tomorrow. Blood would always be thicker than water.

But, she wasn't in a good place with her family, and Jax had stuck next to her side as a protector lately, and even though he had done so under the guise of Tully tasking him with it, she couldn't help but feel like there was more to it than that. She did really feel like he was looking out for her, and it was her own fault that she hadn't really let him in.

"Well apparently I might know a lot more soon. Stahl, said some things… I don't know how true they are." Jax kept his eyes on her, willing her to go on. "Have you ever heard of a Zoebelle? Well, I hear he's getting the Brotherhood into gun-running. Sounds like he's a shot-caller."

Jax nodded, clearly unwilling to discuss club business with her, so she made herself shut the fuck up before she dug herself a deeper hole. She didn't know why she was telling him this, and she didn't know If it was going to benefit anyone in the long run. Lately, everything had been so muddled, and she had been so indecisive, which wasn't like her at all. She felt like she was getting pulled apart, being dragged in every direction.

Jax got up, invading her personal space like he was prone to doing. She was drunk enough and had missed his dumb ass enough that she didn't fight it like she normally did. "Don't worry about that, okay? Stahl, your family, no one should be pulling you into that shit. It doesn't concern you." He said it with a definitiveness that was hard to argue against, so she shook her head in agreement, biting her lip as she looked up at him.

He pushed her hair behind her ear, looking at her with concern in his eyes. "So, what's going on with your ex?"

Her face paled, the thought of Jeremy ruining her good mood. She sighed. "I really don't want to talk about it, Jax." She tried to sound as forceful as she could, so to leave no room for negotiation.

She saw the frustration flash in his eyes, followed by empathy. "If you want me to take care of it…" He started, shocked by his own offer. The fuck was he saying? Take care of it how? Was he gonna off Tully's son because he was shaking her up? It sounded fucking insane, but he knew if she asked right now, he'd probably say yes. The idea of that asshole getting his grip back on Jen and the kids made him sick and angry.

Jen rolled her eyes, sick of men and their dominant bullshit. She knew he wasn't going to drop it, so she decided to shut him up by kissing him. She was drunk, and she couldn't help but think about how good their night had been together when she had finally let him in. Plus, she was feeling extra turned on and naughty tonight and it seemed like a waste to pass it up when she had him right in front of her. They battled for dominance, before Jax broke the kiss of with a growl, turning her around so he was slightly bent over the patio railing, rubbing and grinding her ass on his hardening cock. Jennifer moaned, she didn't think it was possible for her to be any wetter at this point, and she was aching for him to fuck her. His hand gripped around her throat as she turned her head so he could kiss her from behind. Breaking off the kiss, she braced herself as Jax pulled her shorts down, an appreciative noise coming from him when he realized she had no panties on. She thought she was about ready to cum on the spot as he slipped two fingers into her pussy, stilling her hips with his other hand as she tried to push down harder on them to get some relief. He continued to fuck her with his fingers, and she rubbed her clit as she came on his hand, grinding down on him as much as she could.

"This" Jax said, continuing to move his fingers in and out of her pussy at a slower pace, "This is good. But I'm not having this tonight." She heard him unbuckle his belt behind her and she was so fucking turned on she thought she would give him just about anything he asked for at this point. She turned around, getting down and taking his cock into her mouth, getting it wet and slick with her spit now that she knew what he was on his way to doing. She looked up at him, enjoying the look of admiration and bliss in his eyes as she gave him head. Once she was satisfied with her work, she got back up her original position, rubbing and shaking her ass on his cock, inviting him in. She turned her head and he caught her mouth in a kiss.

"Do whatever you want, baby. I'm all yours." Jax didn't think it was possible for him to get harder at this point, but hearing her words proved him wrong. He grabbed her hip with one hand, his other hand guiding his cock into her ass slowly. He could feel her body tense up as soon as he got the tip in, and had to stop too as her ass was so fucking tight he already felt like he was about to cum. He could hear breathing heavy, as she slowly relaxed and got accustomed to him inside her. He started to move, thinking if her pussy was good her ass was basically exceptional. Jennifer grabbed his hand, guiding it to her pussy and rubbing her clit with his fingers, before he pushed her hand away and took over. She gripped the railing, falling into perfect rhythm with him, her pussy practically dripping from how turned on she was.

Jennifer moaned, barely able to contain her noise as she was on the precipice of coming undone, the idea of Jax cumming inside of her taking her to the edge. "Yes" she breathed out, "fuck me Jax, cum inside of me."

He growled behind her, fucking her harder. "You like that?"

"Yes, baby, please fuck me." Jax grabbed her hair roughly, fucking her with abandon and she came, her hand over her mouth to stifle her moaning. She felt him speed up, his thrusts becoming erratic as he finished inside of her, slowing down and pushing into her languidly a few more times to savor his orgasm. She relaxed beneath him, pushing back on his cock in appreciation as he gripped her hips, pushing her ass back onto him in reciprocated gratitude. After a few moments of coming down from it, he pulled out of her and she turned around to face him, a similar smile on both their faces. He kissed her, this time slower, with less to prove.

"You're too fucking good." He breathed out, landing one last peck on her lips as he pushed her hair out of her face.

"You're not too bad yourself." She answered. She didn't know what the fuck they were doing with each other. She didn't know why they couldn't seem to stay away from each other either. All she knew was she was falling, deep, and she hadn't ever let a man in so completely aside from Jeremy. She liked to be owned, she craved it on an elemental level. And it scared the shit out of her.


	5. Stand Up And Fight

**A/N: Heyy! So, another chapter. To answer one of the reviews, Jennifer's relationship with her family and the Aryan Brotherhood is complex. She doesn't agree with a lot of what they do and a lot of what she witnessed growing up, however, she is deeply loyal to her family. She doesn't participate in anything with the Brotherhood (not like what you see with the old ladies and the MC on the show) but it would be out of character for her to turn her back on them if they needed her help. And she would never intentionally hurt them or their organization, because she cares about her family and she knows what would likely happen to her if she did. When I say that her and Jeremy wanted a different life, I mean that they both grew up jaded with their family and their ties to the Brotherhood, and they never quite felt like they belonged. They wanted a 'normal' life, but they never cut their ties with that side of their life and they never thought of that as feasible option. The reason Jeremy is in deep with the Brotherhood now, is because he ended up in prison due to his lifestyle, and with his dad being Tully, well, the only way for him to survive was to assimilate. He also felt like he had nothing left to lose, so he threw himself in.**

Jennifer watched through heavy, hooded eyes as her husband washed off the sweat and the blood in their master bathroom. He had been out late, fighting, and all she wanted was for him to get in bed with her where he belonged. He was such a quiet man. They had spent most of their lives in silent harmony. She didn't need for him to speak to know what he was thinking, feeling, planning. She was as in-tune with him as she was her own body, even more so now that she was pregnant with their child.

His figure was imposing, he was solid, rough; she had seen what people ended up like who were on the receiving end of his harsh blows. And he was fucked up, fucked up like her. They shared so many of the same nuances and personality traits due to their similar upbringing, sometimes it felt like they were the same person, or better yet two halves of one whole human. They belonged together. Of that much she was certain. Where he was strong and silent, she was loud and roguish. They were never too far behind each other in thought or action.

He stalked to the bed, his gym shorts the only thing covering his body, the only one she'd ever really taken the time to know. She turned on her side to face him as he got in, his mouth locking with hers in a deep, greedy kiss, like he was taking as much of her as he could, while he could. His hand rested on her growing stomach, a sense of unification between them that she could hardly describe. He had never looked at her with so much love, dedication, and hunger in his eyes as he did now. His possessiveness was frightening and thrilling to her all at once. They had been this way since they were teenagers. He had been her first, her only. She couldn't count how many times they had been caught with their pants down, or how many times his dad had beat the living shit out of Jeremy, and he had taken it all and come back for me so many times, eventually the beatings stopped as everyone accepted they were impossible to tear apart.

His hand found hers and locked their fingers as he nestled his head closer to hers, sometimes it was though he could never be close enough. Through of all his anger, his coldness, his lashing out at the world around him, she alone knew how deeply he needed this connection. He needed to be loved in a deep, elemental way, something he had clearly lacked growing up. She nestled up to him as close as she could, hooking her leg over him, it was never close enough…

Jennifer woke with her stomach twisted in knots, a sick, desolate feeling washing over her. It had been a long time since she had dreamt of Jeremy, but it happened every so often, and every time she woke with a sense of emptiness and dread like someone had just died. She supposed someone had, in a way. Her dreams made her grieve him all over again. The real him, the man she had grown up with, the man she had married. The one who wasn't an addict, a confused, weak human. The one who hadn't ruined their entire lives.

She tried to shake the feeling, opening her bedroom window and lighting a cigarette as she stood next to the window. She wanted so badly to hate him completely. In some ways, she did, but she could never get over who had he once been, and the thought of who she thought he would be. She had assumed they would live their lives together. The realization of how wrong she was had changed her, made her into something she hardly recognized sometimes. Someone covetous, cold, and so viciously closed off from other people. She had been in survival mode for so long, she hadn't thought too far into their future with him and what it might hold. But now all her worst fears were coming to fruition, and she was in survival mode again on a whole other level. He was sober. Somehow, that was more hurtful and frightening than anything. She knew sober Jeremy, and he was capable of accomplishing just about anything. The purely selfish part of her hoped he would just get out of lockup and relapse, because addict Jeremy was no match for her in any shape or form. He had already fucked up so much, was it even worth it for him to come back into the fold now? That's all she had ever wanted, right? Just for him to get sober. That was always her only ultimatum, between their knock down drag out fights, finding rigs stashed in the bathroom of their home, Jeremy fighting drug dealers on their front lawn. They rarely came after him for an owed debt after he put the first few in a hospital, but no one ever fronted him again, either. "Just get sober," she could hear her voice in her headed, ragged, pleading. She shook her head, she was a world away from all of that now. She didn't beg anyone for anything anymore.

A part of her felt guilty for not wanting to work things out with her husband now that he was clean. She wondered if she was doing the right thing, especially now that he had made his intentions clear and she knew she had so much to lose and a big fight ahead of her if she didn't get back in check with him. But the bottom line was that he had broken her trust a long time ago, and she would never trust him again, no matter how many years of sobriety he managed to get under his belt. She had thought that sobriety was the easy fix, but now that it had come, it seemed to fix nothing and complicate everything. There was something in him that was broken and weak, something she would never understand, but it completely negated any reliability he had previously built up with her over the course of a lifetime. She was nothing if not a shrewd businesswoman, and in the business of life, people like Jeremy lost every time.

SOASOASOASOASOASOASOA

Jax had been coming around a lot, more than she asked for at least. It seemed as though he was trying to push his way into her life and cement their reality, although she wasn't sure why. And as confusing as life was at the time, with Jeremy and everything else, she liked the companionship he brought to her currently. She hadn't seen anyone since she had separated, and the sex was a definite plus. She had never fucked someone on the regular this long other than her husband, and she was growing to enjoy him and everything about the way they came together a little bit more than she was allowing herself to admit. Somehow, deep inside of her, it still felt like cheating. After all, she was still legally a married woman. It didn't matter, though. Jax had been pushing her to come to the Clubhouse for one of their parties for so long she couldn't count how many times she had declined the offer. After the last time he had seen her, and after a long session of him with his face between her legs, she had finally agreed. She couldn't help but be curious and a little anxious about it. She had grown up being outcasted by figuratively everyone, and his people especially. She didn't understand why he was pushing so hard for it, but she figured after seeing each other in late night rendezvous at her location for the last four months, she owed it to him to be the away team for once.

It was a warm Saturday morning, but the breeze hinted at fall making her appearance soon, and for that she was grateful. She was still in shorts and flip flop as she stood in the enormous crowd at the outdoor park venue in Oakland for Erin's dance recital. She couldn't help but beam at her daughter, in all her mothering pride, as she bounced around on stage, her curls kissing her shoulders with each jolt of her feet in time with the song. She never failed to be amazed at her daughter's determination and skill when she watched her compete at Irish dance. Growing up, Jennifer had always wished that her parents had been a little more concentrated on her and less on the streets, and she tried to give all of that to her children by encouraging their interests and pushing them to succeed. Her son had been begging her to start wrestling, and she had signed him up for classes to start in September, although a part of her cringed inwardly at how much he was like his father. It was painful, but the part of her husband that had been a fighter was him in all his glory, it was all the best, strongest parts of him. So, she had pushed her feelings aside and signed Michael up in the hope that things would go a little better for him, that he would have the outlet he deserved for all his energy.

Jennifer's head bobbed along with the Irish tune as he watched her daughter's footwork like a hawk, simultaneously trying to keep an eye on Michael who was currently running up and down their aisle like a mad man. He phone buzzed in her pocket, and she answered it without looking.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, darlin'." She rolled her eyes so hard she was surprised they hadn't gotten stuck in the back of her head at the sound of his lazy, confident voice on the line.

"Jesus, you again? You know, this is starting to get weird. You call too much. You sound like you might be suffering from being pussy-whipped, Jax, but I don't know how that's possible since I neither want nor try to keep you under thumb." She couldn't keep the smile out of her voice. She knew to anyone else who might hear their conversation, they would assume she had no respect or love for him. But it was the way they communicated, and she didn't foresee it stopping anytime soon.

"That's funny, I seem to remember you being the one calling me 'Daddy' last night. Dick-whipped much?" He retorted, and she laughed before she could stop herself.

"You asshole, you promised me you weren't going to bring that up. That name is 100% only acceptable in the bedroom when I'm on my third orgasm. Keep that shit to yourself."

She kept her voice down as Jax laughed, trying to keep her words from her son who passed by her at breakneck speed every few seconds. She could give a shit what the trifling old biddies around her thought of her conversation, but she'd rather Michael didn't hear anything too lascivious coming out of her mouth.

"You're right, I'll keep it to myself. I like hearing you say it, so I don't want to discourage you." Her cheeks turned a bright pink at the direction of the conversation as he continued. "Just wanted to make sure I'm still picking you up tonight. You're not chickening out on me, are you?"

"I've never been scared a day in my life," She lied "And I'm certainly not chickening out of anything. I'll see you at 8." She ended the call before it went on any further, directing her attention back to her beautiful daughter. She clapped and hollered louder than anyone in the crowd when the show was over, her heart swelling at her beauty and her strength and she bowed in front of the venue.

SOASOASOASOASOASOA

She didn't know if she could really prepare herself for this ordeal, but she assumed she was as ready as she would ever be. Although she wanted to drink herself into a comfortable oblivion to get through the night, she vowed to only have two drinks tops so she could drive herself home. She didn't need to be sloppy and off her guard around these people, and she didn't want to deal with figuring out a way to get her car back home tomorrow morning if she got so drunk Jax had to give her a ride home. She was having her sitter watch her kids for the night and she promised to be home by 1 AM, and she didn't want to fuck up the girl's night, so she had to keep herself on a planned timeline if she was going to make that happen.

She had her hair down in loose curves, a black tank top, skinny jeans, and black heels the extent she was willing to go to look good for the party. She wasn't about to walk out of the house half dressed like she had something to prove, but she didn't want to be overdressed for what she assumed would be fairly debaucherous and loose affair. She didn't really know what to expect. She wasn't expecting Jax to claim her, or vice versa, but she knew her unchecked temper would get her in hot water if she saw anyone else rubbing up on him. She wasn't about to go around knocking bitches down like he was her old man, but he was her toy for the time being, and she wasn't okay with having her toes stepped on. She gave herself a mental prep talk in her vanity mirror as she put the finishing touches on her makeup, promising she wouldn't demean herself by beating anyone up over someone who was nothing more than a warm space in her bed most nights at this point.

Her sitter was already in the living room watching TV, when she heard a knock on the door. She finished spraying her hair before coming out and observing her wide-eyed babysitter who was currently standing in front of Jax, in all his glory, his signature panty-dropping smirk on his face. She didn't want the poor girl to start drooling, so she grabbed Jax by the arm, leading him out the front door. Her kids were already in bed for the night. "My numbers are on the fridge. Call me if you need anything at all, okay hun? I'll be back by 1. Help yourself to whatever you need."

"Of course, Mrs. Connelly. Have a fun night…." She answered, her eyes holding a million questions as she looked at Jax and back at Jennifer in awe in confusion. It seemed they didn't have to be in Charming for Jax to precede himself.

They walked out the door, Jax handing her his helmet when they got to his bike, the cool night air a welcome relief. She didn't take the helmet, instead grabbing her keys out of her purse. "Not riding with you tonight, hoss. I want to make sure I can make a quick getaway."

Jax huffed, moving closer to her. "Then why the fuck did I just ride all the way to Lodi when I could be half-drunk right now."

Jennifer shrugged, "I wanted to follow you, and I like fucking up your night."

Jax moved closer to her, slipping his hand up her shirt and planting kisses on her neck as she swatted him away. "And keep your paws off me tonight. I don't want everyone thinking I'm fair game or something." Jax shook his head, she didn't understand his world, and she couldn't expect him to. If she wanted to be left alone, she should be hoping Jax had his hands on her the minute they walked through the gate.

"Whatever you say, darlin'. Now get your ass in the car and don't drive slow."

SOASOASOASOASOASOA

By the time they had been at the party for a while, Jen had already broken her two drink rule, as she found it hard to pass up amicable people offering her shots as they engaged her in interesting and fun conversation. Jax stayed glued to her side most of the night, a possessive arm around her shoulder, and if anyone knew her affiliation, they seemed to not care enough to let it bother them. She had been in a lengthy conversation with someone named Tig, whom she immediately clicked with, when she had been pulled away to meet other people. But after introductions, Jax had wandered off again, and she found herself face to face with the Queen of Charming as she sat down at a bench away from he party to smoke a cigarette and clear her head.

Gemma walked up to her, taking a seat on the same side of the picnic table as her before lighting up a cigarette of her own. Jennifer was well-versed enough in dominant bitches to know she was side-eyeing her for a reason, and Jen looked over at her to match her stare for a moment before laughing and waving the smoke away from her face.

"Gemma Teller." The woman finally spoke, and Jen nodded. She recognized her now, and the name was enough for her to decipher who she was talking to. Jax's mother.

"Jennifer Connelly." She replied, getting up from the bench to stand, in order to be better equipped to deal with the verbal lashing she felt she was about to receive. She could feel the animosity coming off the older woman in waves, and she didn't know what Gemma knew about her yet that could get to the point of deserving it.

"I know who you are." Gemma replied, standing up in front of her, completely unfazed and confirming her suspicions. It figured. Bitches like her tended to have a long memory, and she was sure Gemma had formed her opinion on her a long time ago, as soon as she figured out who her daddy was, just like every other judgmental prick in Charming. "What I don't know, is why the fuck you're spending so much time around my son."

Jennifer shrugged, taking a drag off her cigarette. "Ask him yourself. You seem close enough."

Gemma stepped forward, her anger flashing in her eyes. "I'm asking you. And I suggest you answer if you have any notions about sticking around."

Jennifer's anger lit up, but she couldn't help but take note of what she was seeing play out over Gemma's shoulder. Her heart sped up in her chest as she tried to keep her concentration on the conversation in front of her, but just beyond, some small brunette was pushing up on Jax, grabbing his hand and kissing up on his neck as though it was an everyday occurrence. She didn't have any illusions about being the only girl Jax was getting his dick wet with, but she had a hard time believing he brought her out to her tonight and introduced her to everyone so he could bust a nut with someone else. She wanted to go another round with Gemma, but she couldn't help herself at this point.

"Excuse me." She said mindlessly, as she pushed past Gemma, her gaze never breaking. Gemma could hardly believe the nerve on this bitch, and she whipped around to go after her before noticing what she was walking towards.

Jennifer walked towards the pair with all the confidence and anger of someone who actually knew her place, although she certainly didn't have a place to know at this point. As she reached Jax who caught her gaze as she walked up, he put distance between him and Winsome and welcomed her at his side, although he could tell she was too pissed for him to lay his hands on her at this point. He'd seen her angry plenty of times, but this was on another level.

"Can I help you?" She asked the girl in front of her. Jennifer almost felt sorry for her, she was cute, but she looked like she just got out of Juvie. She needed a serious clean up and a sandwich or two wouldn't hurt either.

The young girl in front of her laughed incredulously as a small crowd formed around them. Jen didn't want that, she wasn't about to be entertainment for these guys over some dumb bitch she didn't even know. But Jax should have known better by now than to let her push up on him right in front of him. He was practically inviting her to go ghetto on the baby hoodrat. She couldn't help noticing Gemma coming up on her left with satisfied smirk on her face, although she wasn't sure if it was because she knew Jennifer was about to beat the brakes off this bitch or if she was glad Jennifer was getting Jax's latest transgressions thrown in her face.

"And who the fuck are you?" Winsome asked, squaring herself up and going toe to toe with Jen as a quiet hum fell on the crowd around her.

"I'm the bitch you don't want to be in front of right now." She answered, as she felt Jax's arm grab her by the waist, attempting to pull her out of whatever rage she had landed in. She shifted away from his touch, looking over her shoulder and whispering at him in the quietest voice she could muster. "Back the fuck up." She told him, removing his hand from her hip in a forceful matter. She didn't care what type of role he thought he played at this point, this shit was between her and another girl, and it was none of his fucking business.

Before she had turned back from facing Jax, Winsome had pushed her with all the force she could muster, causing her to fall back towards him. At that point, the tension of the situation and the buzz she already had, all bets were off for Jennifer. She propelled herself back forward after a moment of shock, her right hook catching the girl's nose causing Winsome to stumble backwards. Jennifer wished she hadn't worn heels at this point. If there was anything she knew how to do well physically, it was fighting, years of being married to a boxer had assured her of that. As soon as Winsome was off guard from the first blow, Jennifer charged at her, knocking her down on to the ground, hissing as she brought her fist back again, hearing the crack of the girl's nose beneath her as she beat her down. She was in another universe, which tended to happen when she got into any sort of physical altercation. Winsome slapped up at her ineffectively has she grabbed the girls head with both of her hands, slamming it back down onto the pavement. She hadn't expected to fight the girl, but the dumb bitch had laid hands on her first. She deserved everything she got at this point as far as Jennifer was concerned. She felt someone grabbing her from behind, and she jacked her elbow into their face as hard as she could, not knowing if it was some other groupie trying to get in on the action. Once the offensive pull from behind was gone, she punched Winsome again, only after the girl had landed a blow to her face in her reprieve while someone was trying to pull her off. She continued to hit her until she felt herself being lifted into the air, and there was little she could do to fight it off, as whoever was behind her was a lot stronger than she was.

Once her heels were back down on the pavement, she turned around to see who was behind her, only to see Tig with a grin on his face that made her laugh despite herself. She brushed her hair out of her face, catching sight of Jax to the right of her, with a bloody nose, and she cringed as she realized he was the one who had taken an elbow to the face. Winsome was being picked up and dragged back off to the clubhouse before Jennifer could even survey the damage she had done, and Gemma was to the right of her, smiling as she nodded at her head at her, in some twisted form of acceptance that she didn't have the mind to analyze right now. She shook Tig's grip off her, walking over to Jax, who looked less than amused. She cringed a little bit as she took his face in her hands, cringing at the blood coming from his nose.

"Shit, I'm sorry."

Much to her relief, he cracked some semblance of a smile, leading her to the office so they could patch each other up.

SOASOASOASOASOASOA

By the time they came back out to the party, Jennifer was ready to go home. It was getting late and she wasn't all too happy about the bruise forming on her check from the blow the girl had managed to land. She walked out towards her car, hanging on to Jax's hand draped across her shoulders, and when they made it to her car, she pulled him into a long kiss, wishing he was heading back home with her. She had half a mind to fuck him somewhere quick before she went home, but she wasn't sure she had the time and didn't want to keep her sitter waiting.

"You sure you're okay to drive?" He asked for the third time, looking at her with a worried glint in his eye as he pushed her hair out of her face.

"I'm sure" she answered again. "Beating the shit out of someone tends to take the buzz out of you."

They both stopped talking as they fixed their gaze on the town car pulling into the lot. They weren't the only ones who seemed to take notice, as the rest of Jax's club walked towards the outsider in a unified line, Jax falling in with their step as Jennifer trailed behind.

She tried to not look shocked as she saw the men step out of the car. She didn't recognize the first two, a business man with a classic neo-nazi at her side, but as her father and he brother came out behind them to line up with the two men as the came toe to toe with Jax and his crew, he breath caught in her throat. She felt completely winded, her blood rushing through her body so quick and hard she could practically hear her heart beating in her ears.

She stayed a good length back, hovering near her car and not catching the conversation completely, but her family locked eyes with her, the bodies stiffening as the fought the urge to collect her. She couldn't help the impulsive need to move closer to hear the conversation.

"You need to stop selling guns to color." The businessman finished up. She could only assume this was Ethan Zoebelle. He stood out in the crowd like a sore thumb. "This is our last warning."

She didn't hear what Clay said to them, as her mind was so preoccupied she was hard pressed to understand anything at this point. Once the men had finished up their pissing match, her father and brother turned to her, a furious glint in their eyes.

"Jennifer, you need to come with us." Nucky said, his tone leaving no room for discussion, but somehow, she had stopped moving, unable to take a step further. Jax came to her side, a possessive arm wrapping around her, as she tried to find her words. She looked up at him, his gaze hard and unmoving as he refused to break eye contact with the men in front of him. Somehow, she knew he was telling her that she had the power to decide at the point. And for the first time in her life, she said no the people who had dictated her life up until this point.

"I'm fine right here." She replied, her face set in stone. Nucky and her father looked like they were about to move towards her, but the energy from Jax and his brothers kept them rooted to the spot. It stung, knowing she had made some type of move that was going to alter things forever. But she was done playing second fiddle to a group of people that hadn't done anything except tear her family apart up until this point. Jax looked at them, challenged them to come forward. And she could see her father on the verge of pulling out his gun or squaring up to him to make shit happen. But as Zoebelle cast a curious glance on them, they all stood down, filing back into their car. She felt like she could hardly breathe.

Once their car left, clearing the way for her to take off, she broke out of Jax's grip and walked towards her Yukon, determined to leave the fucked up position she was in.

"Please let me take you home." He offered again, clearly not liking what had just transpired.

"I'm fine, Jax." She ground out, starting her car and refusing to look at him as she pulled out of the lot, desperate to get home and into her own bed where she could be alone long enough to make sense out all that had just taken place.


	6. When Our Pride Was Low

Jennifer left the party in a confused haze, and as she was driving home, she was hard pressed to decide whether she was just dead tired or maybe she had drank a little too much to be driving. The fight with that gash back at the clubhouse had spiked her adrenaline, and she had thought she'd be okay to get herself home after how much time had passed between drinks., but as she came to a halt at a stop sign on her way out of Charming and into Lodi, she started to question how sober she really was and almost wanted to pull the car over and call for a ride home before she got herself into trouble. She was startled out of her thoughts by the frantic honking of the car behind her. She looked through her rearview mirror to see a blonde girl running towards her in complete panic, and she instantly felt awake again as she got out of the car to meet her. Vaguely, she looked familiar, but she couldn't place her.

"My baby, he's choking. Please, please help me!" The girl yelled, her voice in high alarm. Jennifer pushed past her, running towards the back seat of the car and opening the door.

"What did he swallow?" she asked, perching over the carseat, her stomach dropping when she saw the doll in the carrier. She moved to turn around to face the lying bitch, but her world went black before she had the chance.

When she came to, her hands were bound above her to a chain link fence in what appeared to be a deserted warehouse. Her head was fuzzy, blank, and she felt fear clawing at her. She wanted so badly to cry out, but she couldn't find her voice. Having her hands inaccessible put her into a deep place of dread that was intensifying moment by moment. She wanted to shriek, to struggle, but inside she knew there was no point, and she knew as soon as she started screaming, she would only drive herself into a state of terror that she would be able to recover from.

She heard them before she saw them, their heavy boots hitting the pavement as they made their way over to her. She recognized one of them even though he was masked, his build was hard to ignore. She had seen him earlier, at the clubhouse with her father and brother. It was almost impossible to remain still when her body was screaming at her to move. Suddenly, it dawned on her what was about to happen. Something bad was coming her way. She didn't know if they were going to beat her or rape her. She believed she would walk out alive either way, or she would have been dead already. Whatever they were intending to do, it was a warning, a figurative territorial marking. They had no reason to kill her.

"We need you to send a message." The man in front of her spoke, calmly as though he was addressing the weather. "Tell your boyfriend to stop selling guns to niggers and wetbacks, or we find you, and we do this again." He moved towards her, and she begged herself internally to stay still and be quiet. She knew they were going to do whatever it was they had in mind, she didn't want them to have the satisfaction of her fear and her desperate pleading. It was pointless to fight back, she kept telling herself, just close your eyes until it's over. She bit her lip, turning her face away from them as she shut her eyes as hard as she could. But as soon as she felt his hands on her jeans, she couldn't help her involuntary reaction, as she kicked up at him and thrashed around, landing a kick to his chest. She wanted to beg, to scream at the top of her lungs. But she was wasting her breath. She sobbed openly as they all subdued her, a blow landing to her face as she spit on them, and her world twisted into something she could hardly comprehend.

SOASOASOASOASOASOASOA

She didn't know what time it was when it was over. She was on the floor with a blanket, her car keys tossed next to her on the cold pavement. She felt like she was in another world, but her phone vibrating on the concrete next to her pants shocked her out of her stupor. She grabbed it. It was 3 AM, and she had missed about 10 calls from her babysitter. Suddenly, all she could think about where her children, she got up from the ground, wincing as she dressed herself, in what she could only imagine was the most degrading act of her life. She had tunnel vision, her shock propelling her into auto pilot. She just had to get in her car and get home. She needed to get to them.

When she finally made it there and walked through the front door, her silence and imposing energy kept her babysitter silent. The young girl had tried to ask her if she was okay, but she had shrugged her off, handing her a $100 bill and asking her to leave. Normally she would have let the girl wait inside for her ride, but all she could think about was being alone. She needed to be alone. She curled up on the couch, falling asleep until the sun began to peek through her front windows.

A knocking at her door brought her back to reality, and she suddenly hated life as she cracked eye open. It was early as fuck, and all she wanted was to be in a fucking coma right now until her kids woke up. But whoever was knocking was persistent, and she got up from the couch slowly, the pain reverberating through every bit of her body as she made her way over. She was angry enough to throw punches, but she knew her cripple ass wasn't beating anyone down right now.

She had ran through a few people in her mind who might be at her door, but the person who greeted her was a surprise. Gemma Teller-Morrow. She wasn't up for a fight, and she planned to say as much, but before she could open her mouth Gemma's eyes were full of concern as she pushed her way into the house, dropping her purse by the front door as she moved towards her.

"Jesus Christ" Gemma muttered, and Jen could feel how she wanted to reach out to check in her in a motherly way, but she stopped herself. Whether it was because she didn't know her very well or because she could sense how on edge Jennifer was, it was irrelevant. She was grateful for her restraint either way.

"What do you want?" Jennifer asked, quiet, her voice devoid of emotion.

"What the fuck happened to you? I know that croweater didn't lay this beatdown on you, she barely got a hit in last night." Gemma answered, ignoring Jen's question. She had come by to talk to Jennifer this morning. She had to admit, she was intrigued by the girl and wanted to figure out what she was really up to with her son. She had been ready to lay into her last night, Jennifer had a big set of balls, that much was apparent, and she clearly wasn't one to back down. But when she had saw Jen beat the brakes off Winsome in front of God and everyone, she couldn't help but be reminded of a younger, more vivacious version of herself. And although she had barely spoken to the girl, a soft spot had started to form, against all Gemma's will and intention of hating her.

"I ran into a door." Jennifer answered listlessly, walking into the kitchen to start some coffee. She felt like she had been hit by a train, and in essence she had, she reminded herself bitterly. Gemma followed behind her, unperturbed by Jen's indifference.

"If you're gonna lie, you should think of something better." Gemma remarked, standing awkwardly in the kitchen, taking in her surroundings, keenly aware that she wasn't wanted here right now.

"Okay" Jennifer answered, slamming coffee pot back in a little too forcefully. "I got into a car wreck."

Gemma's stomach dropped, suddenly feeling how wrong and how off things really were. She took in Jennifer's appearance with more determination, noting how spaced out she was, she looked like someone had broke her down in every sense of the word. Gemma walked back to her purse, grabbing her phone and making her way back to the kitchen, as she opened her prepay to dial Jax's number. Suddenly, Jennifer had some life in her as she stalked up to Gemma, grabbing the phone out of her hand.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm calling Jax. Something ain't right here, sweetheart." Gemma shook her head sadly at the form before her, and she couldn't help but admire the fire in the girl's eyes. "Unless you want to tell me what the fuck happened, I'm calling Jax, so he can handle this shit."

Jennifer cringed, turning away from her. "I'll tell you, but you have to promise to keep your mouth shut. To Jax, to everyone. Can you do that?"

Jennifer's words held weight, enough that she could see Gemma assess her one last time before nodding in her agreement. Jen didn't want to talk about it, but she knew women like Gemma, and she was pretty fucking sure she could handle what she was about to lay on her. With any luck, she might even understand her resolve to stay silent. She didn't know what she would do if Gemma didn't keep her word and ran her mouth about it, she had no recourse, but she was terrified of the fallout. She turned back to the coffee pot, pouring herself a cup, not bothering to pour one for Gemma. She really needed her to leave, and she didn't want to encourage the conversation she was being forced into right now. The last thing she wanted to do was talk about this shit, to put it into words and make it real. She still didn't know what she was feeling. In fact, she wasn't feeling anything, which scared her even more. But she had made her decision about what she was going to do as soon as she had understood why those men had brought her to that warehouse last night.

She turned around, leaning against her kitchen counter as she breathed deeply, preparing herself for the mental impact of what she was about to say.

"Last night, after I left the clubhouse to go home… Those guys that showed up, Ethan Zoebelle and his crew. They got me into a warehouse and they… They raped me."

Gemma was silent, her body stilling at the words she was taking in. Jennifer could see the pity in her eyes, and it lit a fire of anger and crossness inside of her. She could take a lot, but feeling another person pity her was at the bottom of her list.

Gemma shook her head, looking at her. "You have to tell them, baby. It's not your fault."

Jennifer openly laughed at her words, shocking Gemma into silence again. "You know what happens if I tell them? If I tell Jax, my family?" Jennifer looked at Gemma with pure disdain, her eyes hard and unforgiving. "My father and my brother would kill everyone in front of them. Total bloody fucking genocide. How can I do that to them? Make them turn their backs on everything they know?" Jennifer stopped, letting her words sink in. "Besides, it wasn't about them. They wanted me to send a message to the MC. Stop selling guns to color. And I'm not gonna fucking do that, Gemma. I'm not going to run crying to your son." She didn't know how to articulate what she was thinking, since Gemma had very little knowledge of what was going on between her and Jax. "The disrespect alone…. Jax would be on fire. We both know that. If he goes after the Brotherhood, everyone's on the warpath. That's exactly what the fuck they want. I'm NOT going to give it to them."

Gemma paced, and Jennifer could sense that she was understanding her, even if it was begrudgingly. Gemma nodded, seemingly coming to terms with what she was hearing. She didn't like what Jen was proposing, keeping secrets from the Club. But she could see the rationality in her train of thought, and looking at the young girl before her, she couldn't deny that she would probably be saying the same things if she was in her shoes. Jennifer was protecting the Club, even if it was inadvertently, spurned by her pride and her fear of what might become of her own family. Her heart broke for her. She wanted to comfort her, but she knew that wouldn't help. And she knew, if it had been her, that would have been the last thing she wanted.

"Fine." Gemma finally acquiesced, putting her phone back in her purse as Jennifer handed it to her. "You need to rest, Jen. Let me take the kids for the day so you can get yourself back together…"

"No." Jennifer snapped. Right now, she was hanging by a thread, and the only thing keeping her sane was knowing she would have two kids to take care of as soon as they woke up. If she was left alone with her thoughts, she knew she was going to fall apart in every way.

"What I need you to do is corroborate my story. I crashed my car, and that's the fucking end of it."

Gemma nodded, already knowing who she would call to tie up their loose ends. Because as much as she didn't want it, she was now implicated in all of this. Wayne would take care of it, and she knew he wouldn't ask too many questions. At the very least, she knew she could keep him quiet.

"I'll take care of it. But I'm only doing it if you go see a doctor today."

Jennifer nodded, slowly, as much as she hated hospitals, even she could agree that she needed to be checked out. She didn't suspect there was any long-term damage, but she needed to be sure. And with that, the conversation between her and Gemma came to an understanding and a full end, as she showed herself out with Jennifer's car keys in hand, devoid of the answers she had originally came for.

SOASOASOASOASOA

Jax, as she had suspected he would, was all over her as soon as she heard she had gotten into a car wreck. Jennifer didn't know who Gemma had contacted to fix her lie, but her precious Yukon had its front end smashed to shit, and was currently at Teller-Morrow, being fixed, on the house.

She didn't know who had told Jax her story, but it didn't matter. For all she knew, he had seen her car get towed to the shop and had figured it out on his own. He rapped at her door harshly, banging again when she didn't get up quick enough to let him in. She wasn't exactly happy about the situation, her kids would be home from school, the bus dropping them off at any minute. She didn't know how to explain Jax to them. She could only hope that they would buy her story that he was a friend. Her kids were smart, though, and they weren't likely to indulge her. She didn't have a lot of friends, and it was certainly out of character for her to have a male friend that wasn't family.

She was feeling better, after buying some oxycontin from Luann, her pain had dulled to an ache, no longer pulsing throughout her body. She was still moving slow, and her face was another story that she didn't even want to think about. She looked like she had gotten the fuck beat out of her, because she had. It was hard enough to feel like she had been used without the visual reminder of it following her wherever she went. And, she couldn't get on cam looking like this. It might be weeks before she could get on, not that she was mentally up to it at this point. Everything about her had been fucked up and turned inside out, and she hated it with everything she had inside of her. Her stomach twisted at the thought of all the money she was going to be losing, and for the first time since she had started camming, she knew money might be tight again. All her resentment over what had happened to her was bubbling up inside of her, screaming to lash out. She had to find a way to let go of it all, or it was going to eat her alive.

So, when she opened the door for Jax, she tried not to glare. After all, he was the reason all of this had happened to her. She had to keep her shit on lock though, if she wanted to keep it all under wraps. She had never been very good at keeping her emotions off her face, but she was good at keeping her mouth shut. She straightened her clothes out, opening the door and looking up at him expectantly, questioning why he was here without saying anything. He took her in, eyes grazing up and down her body, and she could see him tense up as he surveyed the damage. She found it odd, honestly, for him to have such a reaction at her getting banged around in a car wreck. It solidified her resolve in not telling him what had really happened to her. There was no telling what he might do.

"Shit" he murmured, pushing his way in and closing the door behind him. "I knew I shouldn't have let you drive home last night." His words seemed to hold a million meanings that she was too shallow to psycho-analyze. She was amazed that he was blaming himself, thinking that she had been too tired or too drunk and had gotten in a car wreck because he had allowed her to drive home.

"It's not your fault, Jax." She said, taking pity on him. "I wasn't drunk. It was just an accident."

He shook his head, clearly not buying the fact that it wasn't his fault. He pulled her close to him, embracing her, conveying his happiness that she was okay and his shame at what had happened to her. Part of it made her want to cry, because she felt like he was starting to like her too much, and she felt like she couldn't handle it. She felt like she didn't deserve it. And most of all, she felt like a piece of shit because she didn't want it. She knew men like him. They wanted to protect what was theirs. And Jax had let her have her independence, indulging her because it kept her happy. But after all that had transpired between them, there was no denying that SOMETHING was going on. Her beating up on his side piece last night probably hadn't done much to help her debase him of the notion that they weren't 'together'. And now that she had gotten hurt because he had let her have a little too much freedom, she feared he might tighten his grip.

She broke away from him, finding it hard to cope with the contact. She had a grip on her life for so long, and now she felt like everything was going to hell. The shit with Jax, with her family, what had happened to her. The fact that Jeremy would be in her life again soon, for better or for worse. She had no control, and the feeling made her anxious and angry. Most of all, she felt she had no control over her emotions, which were threatening to break at any moment. She looked up at Jax, and he gazed back her in concern at how sad and lost she looked. So much of her wanted to tell him, to melt into him again and have him take the weight of it off her shoulders. But she refused to let the people who did this to her win by doing exactly what they had told her to do. She couldn't break like that. She had been strong before, and now she jut had to keep carrying that load, no matter how much it weighed her down. She had to find that strength.

She pushed away from Jax, blinking her tears back. "I'm really okay, Jax. The kids are going to be home soon."

He didn't buy that shit for a minute, considering how her voice was cracking and wavering as she tried not to cry.

"What the fuck is going on?" He asked, his gaze and his body language reflecting that he was on high alert. She could only imagine what he thought the problem was, but she knew there was no way he'd guess it.

"I'm just shook up. The car wreck, on top of everything else." She sighed, running her hand through her hair. "Jeremy is getting out of prison soon. I guess I'm just nervous." She knew she shouldn't have mentioned it, but she was desperate to offer him any excuse right now to avoid talking about what was really wrong.

Jax tensed up, like he was ready to attack. "You don't need to worry about him, Jen. I got you. He's not going to get near you or the kids." Her heart broke at how sure he was of himself, and at the fact that he wanted to keep them all safe. He didn't know Jeremy. He didn't know her world, not really, just like she didn't know his. But she couldn't help but appreciate his conviction.

She nodded in agreement, offering him a smile. "I'm just paranoid. Don't want to deal with the drama." She wiped her eyes, although they were tearless, she was hoping she could wipe away the way she felt.

Jax nodded, offering her a small smile in return. Before she knew it, he had kissed her forehead and made his way out the door, making her promise to call if she needed anything. He promised he was taking the Yukon to a body shop today and it would be back in a few days tops. If she needed anything until then, Gemma was going to help her around. She rolled her eyes, thinking she'd be better of in a rental car until then.

SOASOASOASOASOA

It had been almost three weeks since the party at the clubhouse. She was finding her biggest issue at the moment to be Jax, which she had expected. Their meetings had become edgy, as she was unwilling to be touched too much, and she was short and annoyed with him almost anytime they talked or saw each other. She hadn't mean to be. But the anger inside of her, and her over zealous pursuit of security had led her into a place in her mind that was so dark, twisted, and confusing, she was having a hard time connecting with anyone.

That wasn't all though. True to his word, Jeremy Connelly was out of prison. She had expected him to try to get in touch with her to see the kids, but he hadn't. He had been trying to ease his way back into the fold slowly but surely, and worst of all, he had stayed sober. It was all too fucking much to deal with. She wanted to hate him, to have every reason to stay away from him. But him doing everything right was throwing a wrench in her plans.

He had seen the kids a handful of times, meeting her at the park on Saturday mornings, coming to Michael's wrestling matches and Erin's dance classes. The kids were thrilled to see their daddy again, and it cut through her like a knife. She didn't know how to reconcile the man before her with the man who had put them in all of the shit he had previously. He seemed good, straight. She never allowed herself to be alone with him, trying desperately to avoid any conversation they might have about her, the kids, the divorce, child support. She wasn't mentally prepared to deal with any of it.

So, when the knock at her door sounded late on a Tuesday night, she had expected to see Jax. He was the only person who came around this late, but after the way things had been going with them as of late, he had been coming around a lot less. He was pissed and confused at the way she was pulling away, and she had little to offer him in the way of affection. She could tell he was dealing with something else, probably some heavy shit from the Club. He was often unreachable and when he did come around, he was volatile she barely knew how to handle him. He knew something was wrong Jennifer, but she had been a brick wall when he tried to bring it up, further spurring on his frustration with life. She knew he was feeling unloved since she hadn't laid a hand on him since that night. And he was lashing out, because as smart and far-sighted as he was, he was as animalistic as any other man, and took her physical rejection to heart. It was mind-fucking him and it was a brutal blow to his ego

But on the other end of the door, it wasn't Jax at all. It was her husband. His lip busted, his cheek cut from the impact of another man's hands. His body was humming with vitality, the way it always was after a fight, glistening with the dampness of vicious work, his lips a dark and rosy. He stood in front of her, as silent and unmoving as he had been his whole life, his hands in the front of his black hooded sweatshirt. She knew they wouldn't have much of a conversation. They spoke a million words just by looking at each other. And what his eyes said to her now, was that he was sober. She didn't even have to ask. His energy was imposing and strong, the way it had been when she had fallen in love with him. To her shock, on top of it all, he had been giving her the space she craved from the situation between them. The Jeremy she had spoken to while he was still locked up appeared to have a change of heart, as he was not pushing into their family the way he had promised he would. Perhaps when he had said those things, he had been desperate to make her understand how much he wanted this back. In any case, he was clearly trying to do everything right now that he was really out. It was hard for her to not feel her guard slowly coming down with him again, with the respect and deference he showed her and the kids, coupled with his sobriety, it was a heady combination.

"What happened to you?" He inquired, eyeing behind her into the house, as though he expected to see whoever had fucked her up so badly.

"I got into a car wreck." She shrugged, and Jeremy couldn't help but smirk at the bold-faced lie.

"I get my ass beat for a living. That's not a car wreck." He answered, with a slight shake of his head.

She shrugged again, her impatience written all over her face in angry lines. She made no move to get out of the way so he could come in. In fact, she was still waiting for him to give her some viable reason why he was at her fucking doorstep. Seeming to sense her impatience and her desire for an answer, he pulled a hand out of his sweatshirt, handing her a thick wad of bills.

"There's 3k in there. I kept 2k from the fight tonight. But you can have it all, if you need it."

Jennifer looked down at the lump in her hand, silently thankful for it, but still trying to figure out her feelings on the matter. She hadn't received much by the way of child support since she had left him. He had been off the rails on drugs, and then he had been locked up. She wondered idly how things might have gone different for her if he had been paying her child support. She could have easily lived on that and the money she brought in bookkeeping. But that wasn't her life. And somehow, she resented him for trying to come around and shake up everything about the world she had created for herself.

"Thanks." She spit out venomously, shutting the door in his face. She flopped back onto the couch unceremoniously, chucking the wad of bills across the room, as she pondered how her life had become so irreversibly fucked up. She needed to do something, soon. She felt like she was drowning. If she didn't restore her spirits and find a win for her family, she was honestly cared of what she might do.


	7. There's No Sex In Your Violence

_"_ _I remember, you were conflicted,_

 _Misusing your influence._

 _Sometimes I did the same-_

 _Abusing my power, full of resentment;_

 _Resentment that turned into a deep depression._

 _I didn't wanna self-destruct._

 _So I went runnin' for answers…"_

Jax limped, his leg screaming in pain from the wound it had suffered earlier. He was trotting his sorry ass up the walkway of Jennifer's house, though he didn't know why. It appeared he couldn't help himself. He always found his way back to her, whether he was content, full of anger, beat up, or vigorously alive. Somehow, since he had met her, he always found his way back to the warmth and comfort of it, the way he felt right when he was with her. Whenever he felt that he was close to the edge, somehow, her earthy, vital energy brought him back before he slipped too far.

He still hadn't made heads or tails of it all. Nor, could he understand why he couldn't stay away from her. They hadn't fucked in well over a month. The fact that he could continue to pour his energy into her when she usually offered him nothing lately but a plate full of bitter fights and resentment was beyond him. He had never pegged himself as a glutton for punishment. Sure, he had his past relationships that rang of dramatics, trying to make shit work with women who were so far removed from his lifestyle that it never brought anything more than frustration from him and tears of grief on their end. He didn't know why he didn't just match up suitably with someone more well-versed in the world he lived in. They were easy to find. Girls, hard with the realities of the world, far on the fringes of respectability in society, flocked to him and would have gladly fallen at his feet at the shot to hook up with him indefinitely. They would keep house, hold him down, turn themselves inside out for the Club. And yet, somehow, he always found himself drawn into relationships with women who were too fierce to bow down, to head-strong to assimilate.

He supposed Jennifer was like that, in her own way. But she was some strange tonic mixture of both. She was on the fringes of society, no doubt. Raised in a ruthless and vicious gang and all it implied. And she didn't give a damn about what the world thought of her or the way she made a living, and God knows, that particular part of her life was nothing for a normal person to be proud of her. But she bore herself as thought she deserved all the respect in the world, and in doing so, she commanded it; which was a feat in and of itself, considering she had done nearly everything wrong in life to the eye of a commoner. He had come to realize that she was not deeply analytical of life and its meanings, choosing to live in the present moment and stay out of her own mind too much. She didn't dwell on the philosophical 'why' of life like some people, like himself even, and spirituality and religion were nothing but a bargaining process for her. She did good things, sometimes, in exchange for satisfactory results. But she had no moral compass. For Jennifer, most things fell in one of two categories: useful or useless. She didn't dwell on the right and wrong of it all, and her conscience seemed non-existent unless it was where her children were concerned. And that, too, endeared her to him. Of all the things he could respect about a woman, her love and protection for her offspring seemed to stir in him all the possessive and begrudgingly respectful feelings he possessed. For, he assumed, anyone who would kill and die for their children, couldn't be so bad in the inevitable after-all. In some ways, that he refused to address, she reminded him of his mother. Angry, disillusioned with the reality of life, she had forged her own path, hanging on to her family like they were the very lifeblood that would keep her thriving, setting such a store by her children that they were the only thing worth working for, worth fighting for, worth dying for. Gemma was all those things and then some. They moved in different worlds, but they were alike nonetheless. He had always heard that men and women sought out partners similar to their father's and mother's, and he now started to wonder if that old adage held some truth to it.

Jennifer let him in the house without much preamble, her hair piled loosely on top of her head, her makeup worn down from the day, clad in nothing but oversized gray sweatpants and a tank top. She had watched her eye him up and down warily, taking note of his maimed gait, but she had chosen not to fuss over it. It wasn't the first time he had come to her like a wounded animal, and she rarely let down her guard enough to bother over him in some imposing motherly show of concern. She had more important things to worry about, and she wasn't opposed to taking him down a notch by letting him know all about it through her indifferent silence.

They made their way over to her couch, Jax sitting down finally in relief, his body pulsing with pain and screaming for relief. He pulled a joint out of his kutte, lighting it up without asking and passing it to her after a long, slow drag. She didn't usually indulge herself, but tonight, she did, inhaling the smoke into her lungs indolently and relaxing into his side, burying her face into his neck and kissing him there softly. He wondered idly if she felt the same draw to him as he did to her. He could only assume she did, as she hadn't cast him out of her life yet, and sometimes she called for him, her voice a gentle plea, and when he arrived at her side, she held onto him like he was the only thing keeping her from floating off to some dark place there was no coming back from. Part of him wondered if she feared him too much to try to be rid of him. He had hoped that wasn't the case, but she wasn't dull or dumb. She had already gotten too deep with him, and maybe she just felt it was safer to keep herself on his good side.

She looked up at him after a shared moment of relaxation, her eyes glazed and hooded.

"You wanna tell me what happened?"

Not really, he thought to himself. His mind drifted back to the events of the day. He didn't know how she would react to the knowledge of it. He hadn't meant to beat the shit out of her brother. But when it had all went down, he had been in such a rage that there was little that could have dissuaded him from completing the task. They had been on main street, in Charming, in front of the cigar shop when shit had went down between all of them. And when he had locked eyes on her brother, Nucky, he had found a target for all the rage he had built up in him over the last month. He didn't know what was pulling Jennifer away from him, but he couldn't help but believe it had to be her family, at least partly. She had been so distant lately it was practically driving him insane. And he knew, in the depths of his soul, that he was missing part of the story. Whether she was back in bed with her husband, or her family was trying to pull her away, or something else entirely, he didn't know. All he knew was that something wasn't right, and he had found an outlet for all that defeat when he had finally been able to unleash his physical rage on her brother today. And Nucky was a good fighter, he was a big man. The had beat the living shit out of one another, and he was sure part of it was because her brother was enraged that he had taken up with Jennifer, especially since she was still married to someone in the Brotherhood. The had fought their way through main street, ending up in a vicious quarrel on the ground after Nucky had put him through the front window of Floyd's barbershop, where Nucky had stabbed him in the leg with a pair of scissors, and Jax had beat him unconscious, honestly believing he would have beat him to death if Charming's finest had not pulled him off of him.

He ran his hand across his face, willing himself to speak.

"Me and the Club… We got into it with your dad's crew today."

Jennifer pulled herself up and away from him, her eyes raking his body again for damage that she had not paid close enough attention to the first time, her concern for him and her anger that her family was involved waging an internal battle against her judgement, playing across her face in quick succession as he watched her keenly, wary of the final outcome. Eventually, her loyalty to her family won out, and her lips curled in indignation before she lashed out at him.

"How could you do that?" She wondered aloud, anger in every one of her words. "How could you do that, when you know what it might mean for me?"

Jax didn't understand her family, the way the Brotherhood functioned, at least not in any way that was more than surface level. Jennifer had grown up with them, from a brat to a woman, and she had seen the things they could do, the type of ruthless payback they could inflict. Unlike the MC, the had no code of honor, nothing keeping them from partaking in the cruelest things imaginable. Nothing was off limits. To the Brotherhood, all was fair in the pursuit of money and power. And she had kept her own pain under wraps this whole time, in a weak attempt to avoid any confrontation between the two sides of her life. And he had gone and fucked it all up for some useless street brawl.

Jax looked up at her, silent in her reproach, waiting for the next blow. "My father, my brother, were they there? Were they involved?" She asked tersely, her body on edge like she was spring-loaded and waiting for a reason to unleash.

Jax shrugged uselessly. "Your brother and I got into it. He stabbed me in the leg, I beat him unconscious." He looked at her again, unable to feel sorry for his actions, but too tired to try to glaze the truth over for her benefit. "He fucking deserved it."

Jennifer was almost out of her own head with anger as she shot up off of the couch, walking towards the kitchen. She was high, on the weed the Jax had so generally offered her, but she felt the insatiable urge suddenly to drink in order to calm every part of her that was on fire. She knew it was weak and predictable, but she couldn't help herself. She took a few strong pulls of the bottle before he followed her into the kitchen, his normally confident and strong swagger marred by the beating he'd received earlier. He opened her sliding glass door, tossing the half smoked joint into her backyard.

She looked at him in a confused rage from her side of the kitchen, as he stalked towards her and grabbed the bottle out of her hand, looking at it in disgust as he slammed it recklessly on the counter out of her reach, the liquor sloshing around in indignation. "Can you stop with this shit?" He spit bitterly, nodding towards the bottle. "Stop trying to drink yourself to death and deal with your fucking problems?"

Jennifer looked up at him at him and shock and anger as she unleashed on him, her ego smarting from the blow he'd just inflicted on top of it all, insinuating that she had a drinking problem. "As far as I can see, the only problem I have in my life lately is YOU."

Jax's lips curled cynically as he pulled himself back from her, nodding.

"It's fucking sad that you really believe that shit." He spoke aggressively, slowly. "You're so fucking dense you can't even understand why your own life is fucked up. And it's got very little to do with me, darlin'." He moved towards her again, and Jennifer pushed him with all the strength she had inside of her. She knew how crazed, how insane she must look right now, brushing her hair back out of her face with her hands as it flew wildly about her from the force of the impact. Everything in her was breaking, and she was screaming silently because no one knew why.

Jax's anger clouded his judgement as he moved towards her again. She raised her hands, to push him or hit him, he wasn't sure, but he made quick work of grabbing her by the wrists, pushing her back towards the counter in a violent frenzy as she struggled against him. Suddenly, his mouth was on hers, and as was the standard in their encounters, it was hard for her to fight him off. Something about him near her intoxicated her, she was useless in trying to push away the lust he invoked in her. She opened up to let him in, sighing in pure adult appreciation as he ravaged her. Eventually, she was able to break a hand free as he lost his grip grabbing at her to bring her closer, and she loosened herself away from his pull, smacking him across the face. But he was on her again in an instant, a low, mercenary growl emanating from deep inside of him as he picked her up, forcing her legs around his waist.

He stalked back towards her bedroom, making easy work of carrying her weight. It wasn't as though he hadn't fucked someone in the month-long stand-off they had been engrossed in, with her offering him very little in the way of physical affection. But for how sex-starved he felt now that he was getting a taste of her again, it may as well had been like he hadn't fucked anyone at all.

Jax laid her back on the bed roughly, pulling her pants off of her, her arching her back to let them slide off easily. She raised herself back up to reconnect with him again, pulling her shirt off in the process so she was exposed to him completely, and he took her touch like a starved man, but only for a moment before pushing her onto her back again. He was so goddamn sick of the power push between them; it seemed as though the only time he was ever really in control was when she was naked. And he needed that right now.

He moved on top of her, ready to take her in every sense of the word, when she suddenly stilled beneath him. She was so unreactive to what was going on he stopped, looking down at her in concern. This wasn't his girl. This wasn't Jen, the one with a lust for life, heated, unconquerable. The stoic look in her eyes shook him. No, this wasn't her at all. This was a shell of the woman he had grown to know so intimately that he could predict her next moves as though they were his own, in his own mind.

She pushed him off of her, and he let her, moving off of her in daze, his anger fighting viciously with his concern. She covered herself up, working her way to a standing position to better show him her resolve.

She bit her lip, a range of emotions playing across her face so quick he could hardly catch them. Miserable, terrified, sad, angry, indolent, all in a moment.

"You have to leave. I never want to see you again." She said, her voice a hard baritone echoing through his head.

When Jax made no move to leave, she carried on, the courage of the first words leaving her mouth spurning her on.

"You are the most… the most, vile person I've ever encountered. And I don't want to see you again. You'll never mean anything but misery to any woman."

Unable to bear the words coming out of her own mouth, Jennifer stalked to the master bathroom, shutting the door behind her hardly and definitely, just short of slamming it, mindful of her sleeping children.

Jax was in a daze, warring with himself internally not to go after her. Something was wrong with his girl. Something inside of her was broken, and he didn't know what, and he was fiercely desperate to know. Sadly, on top of it all, he couldn't disagree with the words she had spoken so harshly to him. They were all the things he had feared were ultimately true about himself. He didn't know what he had done to earn her hatred, but he accepted it, knowing she was probably right - if had taken the time to take his moral inventory based on all that had happened in his life with the Club over the last year, surely he would have agreed with her. He was vile. And he didn't bring anything but misery to those he got close to, that was a historical fact. Jennifer was supposed to be different, though. She was supposed to be brave enough to accept their likenesses. But as long as he had lived, he had found that life rarely gives you the things you think you deserve.

SOASOASOASOA

Jennifer had carried on the rest of the week in a kind of bemusement, her shoulders squared with the world and her head held high, despite the misery she felt inside. If her kids had noticed something was off about her since what had happened that terrible night, they hadn't let on. They were their usual rambunctious selves, and they had no problem hanging onto her coattails as always, expecting her to keep their small worlds turning. And for that she was thankful. She didn't know what she would do without them, without their dependence on her. Her life had revolved around it for so long, she honestly wondered what would become of her when they were grown, with lives of their own. She didn't have anything else.

She had pushed everyone away, whether she had meant to or not, it had been an involuntary, natural reaction to all that had transpired. She didn't want anyone's help or sympathy anymore. She wanted to live her life again, without the help of anyone, the way she had become accustomed to. She wasn't weak like everyone else. She didn't need the pleasant feeling of human connection, no, not her. She was fine to forge on her own, where the emotions and grand plans of others didn't constantly interfere with her sole mission in life to earn and to walk to the beat of her own drummer in life. No, she didn't need any of them. She didn't need over-bearing fathers and brothers, baby daddy's, vicious bikers with sharp tongues. She wanted them all gone, and she wanted them to stay gone. And she was naïve enough to think that she could make it happen. She had kept a good majority of them at bay thus far in her life, there was no reason to believe she couldn't cut them out permanently. There was nothing inside of her that was magnanimous enough to see the big picture. To her, people in life were all pawns, a character flaw she could pin down to her upbringing. And if she wanted all the pawns out of the picture so she could concentrate on breathing again, that didn't seem to big a stretch in imagination for her.

And she had her way. She had wanted to liken it all up to the fact that when she told people to stay away and gave them the what for, they listened. But it was broader than that. Jax was neck deep in shit with the club, which directly correlated to her family and her estranged husband being neck deep as well. Before they had separated, Jeremy wasn't prominent in the Brotherhood. He made his appearance here or there, and he was always on the front lines if duty called, but he was a background character that made no waves and carried no weight, despite the prominence of his father. When he did hard time, though, all of that changed. He had been so fucked up in the head, so shocked by the loss of his family, he had put all of his energy into it. And in doing so, coupled with the weight of his father's status, he had risen quickly and harshly in their ranks, with the viciousness of his actions backing his every move. Jeremy may have been quiet, but it had come to everyone's attention that he had no problem killing, even if it were with his bare hands as his only weapon. And if his father put down word that something needed to happen, Jeremy was the first to act on it. And he never missed a mark.

So, the Club and the Brotherhood were so engrossed with their cold war that things had gone silent on her end from the lot of them. It didn't help that both Jeremy and Jax had felt the brutal sting of her rejection keenly, so much so that they avoided her despite their desire to do otherwise. They had no time to dwell on her for too long, because in spite her standing within all of it, she was pussy, and pussy always took a backseat to business that needed to be handled.

Jennifer had seen Gemma twice since she had revealed all of her dark secrets to her by way of desperation rather than openness. Once, she had seen her at the grocery store in Charming, which was where Erin's dance recitals were. She had to pick up a few things for dinner that night, Erin and Michael at her heels, when Gemma bumped into them. Gem had been friendly and sweet to the kids, but Jen couldn't miss the odd look of pity and sadness in her eyes when their eyes locked. And it was enough to make Jen want to claw her eyes out. If she had ever stood a chance of liking Gemma, it was all dashed by the fact that Gemma knew the terrible things she was hiding, and she _pitied_ her. That alone was too much to take. If she had ever thought to want anything from the mother of the man she was spending time with, that was at the bottom of her fucking list.

The second time was when Luann had called on her to do the books one Wednesday afternoon and get everyone paid out for Friday. Jennifer hadn't touched the books there since their little scheme had been found out, but Bobby was unavailable, and Luann was in a bind. And Luann paid damn good. And since she hadn't been on cam since she had been raped, she had been hard pressed to turn down the offer, despite the fact that she was keenly aware that her presence there was taboo. She needed the money, so she had shown up, praying that she wouldn't see anyone from the Club there. And she hadn't expected to see Gemma, who in her mind was just as much a part of the Club as any of the men with their leather kuttes and patches. Gemma had embraced her warily, rubbing her back absent mindedly as though she were ill. Gem had tried to corner her into a private conversation, but Jen was having none of that bullshit, not as long as she could help it.

Yes, life had gone on uneventfully since she had forced herself to turn Jax out of her life in an act of self-preservation. She had even managed to see Lacey and the kids, and the questions from her and her brother about her affiliation to the MC were almost too much to bear. But she had curved them all, insisting that it was none of their business. And Nucky, the ever-dutiful protector of his frail and modest wife, had chosen not press the conversation in front of her even though he had a million things to say. For once in her life, she was thankful that Lacey clung to her so tightly whenever she was in her presence, like she was shielding Jennifer from the wrath of their family through her quiet, soft-spoken manner. She simultaneously hated her and appreciated her for it, for Lacey never saw the best in anyone she loved, including Jennifer, despite all her transgressions. She was thankful for it, even if part of her despised Lacey for how dumb she was. She knew her father was next in line to come breaking down her door, and she waited for that moment to come to fruition. She could only assume he hadn't come down on her yet like a duck on June bug because he was too caught up in the silent war that was waging between him and the Club and everyone else the Aryan's were at odds with, the list was always ongoing and never-ending. But she knew it was coming, and she had been mentally bracing herself for the impact ever since he had seen her at the clubhouse that fateful night. For all of her father's posturing, she knew he was someone to be feared, and she did have a healthy fear of him. He was the most steadfast man she knew, and he didn't suffer fools or disloyalty lightly, and she knew she fell on both counts in his book these days.

SOASOASOASOASOASOA

It was another Wednesday at Cara Cara, not unlike many she had spent there before. She had to only assume the Club was deep in the shit by the fact that she had been here the last few weeks doing the books because Bobby was unavailable, but she didn't have the reach anymore to know that information, and she decided not to lower herself enough to ask.

She sat over the desk in Luann's office, her reading glasses perched on her nose as she ran the numbers. She could honestly say she enjoyed her career as a bookkeeper, although most would find it a dull one. She liked the solidarity of it, the monotony of it; she was good at numbers, they never changed and neither did the formula or the knowledge. She played out her life in the same manner, although, she had found that the unpredictable variable of human weakness often threw a wrench in her plans, and she was not pliable or empathetic enough to conform to it. Math and the concrete rules of accounting had come easy to her, as she was just as simplistic and unchanging at the base of her.

When the office door clicked open, she was surprised to see Gemma Teller walk in, the hard clicking of her boots her calling card. Jennifer subconsciously straightened her posture, not in the mood to deal with her and all that came with her. However, the sedate, frightened look on Gemma's face made her push her reading glasses up on her head, rising from her chair to meet her, unsure of what was going on.

Gemma swallowed hardly, her head nodding before she even began to speak.

"Jax and the Club got locked up." Gemma said, her tense words ringing through the air. Gemma had debated on telling Jennifer at all. In fact, Jen was on her shit list these days. She hadn't been around the Clubhouse since she had come out and fucked up the poor girl hanging off Jax's arm, and Jax had been around the Club 24/7 lately, which only led her to assume him and Jennifer were on the outs. There was very little that happened with him that got by her. And she thought Jennifer mighty pompous to turn down her son and all he had to offer as a man, and she thought less of Jen for it. She figured the dumb bitch was running scared, and part of the softness she had felt towards her had began to wane and fall back, developing instead into a languid distrust and unacceptance.

Jennifer stared back at her solemnly. It was not the first time she had heard a revelation such as this, and she doubted it would be the last, but part of her still twisted in hearing it, knowing that prison was a death sentence to anyone who was out bad with the Aryan Brotherhood. The Sons always had been, but the level of malevolence between them these days was at an all-time precedence.

Jennifer paced the office slowly as she spoke again. "Are they protected?"

Gemma arched an eyebrow at her, surprised at her question. For all she disliked about her, Jennifer was a smart bitch. Gemma could not recall one lover in Jax's past that would have had the intelligence to ask such a question after this type of revelation.

"No, they're not. And it's bad. Gun charges. They blasted in one some white power rally that Zoebelle was supposed to be at tonight, gun's blazing. The bail is way too high to get anyone out."

Jennifer shook her head in anger and despondence, a migraine already starting to form. Her mind ran through a million scenarios as she paced about the office, finally stopping and crossing her arms across her chest. She didn't know what to make of the situation, but she had come to know and accept that feeling where most things were concerned lately with her family and the MC. It was so hard to make any kind of decision anymore.

"I know who we can call. I can get them protected." Jennifer told Gemma. She didn't honestly know why Gemma had come to her with this knowledge. If she had been expecting her to help post bail, well, she was shit out of luck on that front. But Jennifer did have pull, even if she was wary of using it. And she didn't know why she was using it, honestly. All she knew was that Jax was as good as dead in prison with the way things stood now, and she knew her family and the Brotherhood well enough to know that it would happen. She had no doubt about that, as much as her heart sunk to admit it. And the idea of Jax dying in prison, bleeding out, twisted her stomach in a way she was loathing to comprehend, but she was quick to try to put an end to it. She pulled the prepay out of her purse, looking through her contacts for that unused number she had, the number for Ron Tully's lawyer.


	8. I'd Rather Die (Than Give You Control)

It had been too late in the night to sit down with Tully by the time her hurried fingers had placed the call to his lawyer; she had been short, snapping at him, telling him she must see him right away. The tired, unhurried lawyer irked her, and she nearly shouted into the phone at him by the time he had changed his attitude around, telling her he would set it up right now, and to be at the prison first thing tomorrow morning.

Gemma had listened from the sidelines, skeptically, impatiently, a million questions on her tongue. When Jennifer snapped the phone shut, she told Gemma she was going to meet with her stepfather tomorrow. She didn't know if Tully would agree to protect them, but it was their only gamble. Gemma seemed deflated at her answer. She didn't think it too likely that her stepfather would help protect some biker Jennifer was fucking. She could only hope that Jen had the power to appeal to him in the right light, so that they all might make it out alive. In the meantime, Gemma was going to go back to working at a way to work up the bail before things went south.

So, she had slept like shit that night, tossing and turning in her bed restlessly as the morning crept up on her slowly. In prison, where men circled you like scavengers waiting for the weak to be left unprotected so they could pick them off one by one, a whole 12 hours was an eternity. Anything might have passed in that time. She didn't know a whole lot about the MC, their secretive clan was an enigma to her, one she hadn't the patience or the interest to try to understand yet. But she knew the streets, and the life inside, all too well. In the big house, you were either protected by white or black, or possibly the Hispanic gangs. Those were the big fish that mattered in there. Other MC's didn't have a large enough population inside to rally their forces, and they were always at war with one another on the outside anyways, which made assimilating and closing rank on the bigger gangs an impossibility. She knew from experience, that most bikers spending a long time inside, usually ended up aligning themselves with the Aryan's in an attempt at survival; it was their only option unless they were black or brown and could find an in with one of the other crews, and with the biker world being predominantly white, the Aryan's were the only place for them to turn.

She knew that the MC was at a constant revolving impasse with all the other gangs on the street. The Niners, the Mexicans, it was anyone's guess what kind of truce they were at presently. She knew as well as anyone that things could be amicable one week and downright bloody the next between all of them. So, she had little hope that they could work out some type of protection with anyone of them. Besides, the Sons were powerful, and smart, and Jennifer feared that any one of the gangs inside might just see it as a good opportunity to humble the Club nationwide by offing them all. They were a worthy opponent, and she could only assume that a lot of men might think them better off dead.

So, she had hurried to Mule Creek in the morning as soon as she got her kids to school. There was nervousness and some sort of painful, impending dread coursing through her as she went through security, brought back to the small, impersonal, white room as she waited for the guards to bring in Tully. She had some to see him in person a couple of times since he had been in, but Tully was so often in segregation that visiting him normally like other prisoners was usually an impossibility, and she knew it was quite expensive and took a lot of pull for him to set up unrecorded meets like this.

Tully had a strained, pulled look in his face when he was brought in, his eyes malicious and preying like a cat's eyes in the dark. The hard look in his eyes softened somewhat when he saw her, but he was still on edge, the tension apparent in every one his movements. She realized now, selfishly, that she must have scared him by calling to meet on him like this at random. She couldn't imagine the thoughts that may have ran through his head, that something was wrong with her, with the kids. Perhaps he thought that the MC had retaliated against her in some way for the problem that had first brought Jax to his attention, which now seemed so trivial and like it had all happened 100 years ago. Suddenly, she felt like an asshole, and as soon as he was unshackled, and the guards left the room, she crossed over to him, drawing him into a deep hug. For a moment, she almost felt safe again, safe like you feel as a child when your parent holds you after you've been hurt, or after you've been scolded. She melted into his warmth, her eyes warm with the urge to cry in relief. Her throat hurt and her choked back tears burned in her chest, begging to be let out.

She had been nervous for a lot of reasons to meet him this morning, but one of them had been that she was afraid his warmth, his understanding, his unyielding support would undo her. She had carried the heaviness of her secret with her for what felt like a lifetime, and she was afraid that somehow, he would know and pry the truth from her. She could stand it all; Jax's anger, Gemma's sad, knowing glances, the isolation and fury from her family. She could stand all of that and keep her secret, but she didn't think she could bear Tully, and the gentle, knowing way he would put her at ease. She had been yearning for someone to fall back on, someone formidable wall of a person that she could collapse up against, rest, and build her strength up again to fight the world. And with that person right in front of her, she didn't trust her own judgement to keep her mouth quiet.

Finally, their embrace ended, and she pulled back, trying to will herself to breathe deeply and evenly in order to cut back her tears before she unraveled. She couldn't sit, couldn't feign relaxation. She put her hands in her back pockets, trying to find the words again for why she had come this morning. Tully eyed her warily, concern etching his features.

"What's going on? The kids, are they okay? Is it Jeremy?"

Jennifer shook her head hastily, still blundering after worrying him so.

"No, it's nothing like that. The kids are fine. I don't know what Jeremy is up to, but the kids are fine. I'm sorry if I worried you."

Tully cracked a small smile in hearing that everyone was okay.

"Well, I know you can't miss me that much. So, what is it?"

He eyed her with too much awareness, and she squirmed under his scrutinizing stare, shifting around, wishing she could hide herself behind something. She bit at her nails, her worst habit, and finally, she opened her mouth, knowing she wouldn't be able to stop once the words started coming out.

"It's… It's Jax, the MC. They got locked up last night. Not all of them, but most of them." She couldn't miss the way he nodded, and she knew that the information was not new to him. "I just, well- I – I've been spending a lot of time with Jax. He's watched out for me, like you told him to, or so he says. And I know things are bad between you all, but Zoebelle is a piece of shit, Tully. They really couldn't help it. I just can't have Jax dying in here." She looked at him, his face a cross between annoyance and amusement. "I know you don't want to hear about me being with someone else, I know you all hate for it and you think I should be with Jeremy. And I'm not with Jax, not really, but I, I…." She wavered off, somehow, it seemed impossible to find the words.

"I could give a shit who you're seeing, Jen. That's your business. And what happens with us and the Sons, that's our business. You got no right to push yourself in the middle of it." His glare made her shrink back. Tully felt sorry for her, but he didn't know what she was angling at here. He didn't like Zoebelle either, and secretly he'd been rooting for the MC, anyone, to take him out before it became an internal problem. He wasn't likely to lift a finger to help the man unless he had to, but it didn't change the fact that they were all on opposing teams, and what she was asking of him was insanity.

"I know that. I don't care what happens between you all, you can beat each other senseless and continue playing war games on the street for all I care. I'll never understand men and men's foolishness and I don't care to. Only don't kill him, Tully. Please. I don't know how long they'll be in here. But if they've got a green light on them, please, take it off."

She hated the sound of her voice, hated how she was pleading right now. Suddenly she felt out of place, as she always did when she reached out to another human for help. It never turned out well in the end, and she was always disgusted at the dignity she shirked to do it. When his features remained impassive, she went on.

"I know you can't like Zoebelle, that piece of shit has never seen a real day on the streets in his life. How do you all bow down to him? I'm sure you want him gone. Let Jax do it. He's already gunning to do it, if he can just get out I'm sure he can get it done. I know I can make sure he'll get it done." Jennifer knew they could never get rid of Zoebelle internally, it was too messy. It had to come from the outside, and she played on it, the idea the only collateral she could offer. She was encouraged by the look Tully was giving her, his hardened expression. She knew there was no love lost between the two of them. Tully had worked his way up as a shot-caller from the bottom of the barrel, from abusive households and trailer parks, up to a position of power that was close to untouchable. Zoebelle's power had never been earned, and she knew she resented him for it personally, and knowing their similarities, it was a good bet to place on Tully's adjacent hatred of him.

Tully scoffed at her, a sardonic smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. "You got him that wrapped around your finger already, sweetheart?" He asked, his voice oozing amusement and contempt as he referred to her implied pull over the Prince of Charming.

Jennifer bristled at being patronized so openly. "I don't need to have him wrapped up!" She shook her head sadly, somehow, she felt it wouldn't be so bad to have the words come out of her mouth now if they served a purpose. In fact, her anxiousness died away as she felt emboldened to use her misery as a catalyst for getting what she wanted. She always had a head for business.

"Zoebelle and his crew… They paid a visit to the MC one night to shake them down, they saw me there with Jax at the party. After I left, some of the men that were there with Zoebelle and some others I don't know, they grabbed me and raped me." She looked up at him now, her face set in stone, her stare unwavering. "No one knows. Not my dad, my brother, not Jax. I didn't tell anyone."

Tully looked at her, his expression pained and vicious all at once. He opened his mouth to speak, and she cut him off immediately.

"Don't." She said, and her voice was so cold and biting she didn't even sound like herself. She didn't know what had become of her. "Don't say anything. I can't… I can't bare to hear it, not from you."

Tully looked at her with admiration, for he believed right now, he had never seen such a brutal and gallant display of strength in all of his life. He had watched hardened criminals with more fear in their eyes at the sight of a fight. And her she was, facing the worst of what she could imagine, and her eyes were dry, her back straight. She had been through so much, all he wanted to do was comfort her, at least by telling her he would make it right. But he kept his mouth shut.

"Just keep the Club protected. I'm sure they'll raise the bail soon. Once they're out, I'll tell Jax. And Zoebelle will be as good as dead."

She didn't wait for him to agree to it, there was no reason. She walked towards the door and pounded on it impatiently. She wanted to run away, far away from all of it. She had laid her best hand on the table, and there was nothing more she could do, nothing left for her to say. She pounded on the door again, yelling at the guard impatiently and angrily to let her the fuck out.

SOASOASOASOASOASOASOA

Jax and the Club had been so busy and focused on trying to find protection inside, most any other thought had passed through his mind without too much of his attention. Juice had already been shivved out in the yard, and although he had survived, everyone was on edge. They were close to coming to terms with Leroy for temporary protection, but his concern didn't waver. They wouldn't keep them protected for long, and if the Club didn't find a way to make bail soon, he feared that more of them might drop before they came to a long-term agreement with the Aryan's, if it was even possible. He was solemn at the prospect of the time they might do eventually. They were all felons, and the gun charges were not likely to land them on parole. He knew they were all looking at years, and nothing seemed to be powerful enough to change that.

When the guard came out onto the yard and called his name, they had all looked at each other warily, hesitant for him to walk away. But he had followed, knowing there was no other choice.

When he was brought into a room with Tully, the hair on the back of his neck immediately stood up. Jax didn't show it though. His swagger was unrelenting, the amused glint in his eye enough to challenge even the most laid-back person. Tully wasted no time, coming at him with a ruthless anger that temporarily knocked Jax back in shock, his unpreparedness a detriment to him. Within a moment, he was back on his feet, and the scuffle turned into an all-out brawl.

The only thought Jax could comprehend was that Tully was trying to kill him. It didn't occur to him that if Tully wanted him dead, he wouldn't have had to lift a finger for it. Or that there were weapons to aid him in killing, other than the messy act of trying to beat him to death with is bare hands. It didn't occur to him at all how personal the beat down was, not until Tully was on top of him, beating him mercilessly, an angry glint in his eye so contrary to his normally stoic self. And when Jax realized how personal and non-life-threatening it was, he stopped trying to fight back for his life, and started trying to beat Tully off of him to a position of compromise so he could understand what the fuck was going on.

By the time enough blood had been shed and they were both on their feet again, Jax was bewildered and didn't know what to say. He knew it had to be connected to Jennifer, but he knew there was no way he was this mad over the fact that they had been together. This had to be so much more. They caught their breath, eyeing each other, bloody, a safe distance away from one another before Tully spoke.

"Do you know what happened to her?" Tully asked, his voice ragged.

Jax scanned his mind, knowing he was talking about Jennifer, in a haze. He knew of nothing serious that had happened to her, and suddenly his curiosity was vicious.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Jax's tone was hard, imploring. He had caught his breath a lot quicker than Tully, who was much older than him even if his age hadn't betrayed him yet. Tully nodded, seeming to accept his answer and his cluelessness.

"Zoebelle's crew gang-raped her, after they saw her at the clubhouse with you." He didn't need to tell Jax that the reason was her association with the MC. Tully was not one to beat around the bush or pad some heavy piece of news in pleasantries to make it easier to digest. He had sat in this room for an hour after Jen had left, his mind flitting dangerously from one extreme to the next. He had thought of all the ways retribution could be meted out, and in the end, he had credited her the wisdom she had bestowed upon him, because all in all, the Club taking care of the problem made the most sense for everyone, even though he personally despised the idea.

Jax's mind was turning so viciously, he could hardly catch his breath. He couldn't deal with what he was hearing right now. He stuffed it far back into his mind, promising to deal with it later, when he was alone, when he could stand it.

Suddenly, Tully stalked towards him again, grabbing him by his shirt. "If you're going to claim her, you better fucking work a little harder at protecting her." He spat, locking eyes with Jax, who had all the rage in his eyes of a cornered animal. Tully pushed him back forcefully. "Now go fucking handle it."

SOASOASOASOASOA

Things had moved quick, and Jennifer was gracious at how quick they moved. Somehow, Gemma or the Club had found a way to post bail. She had heard it from Gemma herself, who had called on her and thanked her for whatever she had done to keep them safe in the in-between time. Gemma still had the cold, apprehensive look in her eye towards her, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that all of her running off at the mouth hadn't been for naught. But now, she knew that she would have to tell Jax what had happened to her, and the very idea of it made her feel choked up the point of strangulation.

Two days after they had been let out, with not a word or appearance from Jax, she had received a call from Tully's lawyer. Tully's message to her had been short, and she rolled her eyes at his lawyer as he had read it off in the most aristocratic way possible. "Don't bother to talk. It's done."

At first, the message had made her tremble, had made her go cold. She had walked away from the conversation with an adrenaline rush that was incomprehensible. Eventually though, she began to be thankful that she wouldn't have to face Jax and tell him to remain true to her word that she had bargained on. And after that, she began to feel lighter. She realized Tully had done her a favor in sparing her the pain and the embarrassment of talking about it further, and she was silently thankful.

Before long, she was beginning to feel normal again. It was as if she had finally let out a breath that she had been holding in for too long. She began to joke and smile again, and she knew the worst was over. It was out, to how many people she was unsure of, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that the cards were on the table and she no longer had to hold them closely, possessively to her chest. Let it all fall where it might. Her part in it all was done, or at least, she hoped it could be.

Followed by the strange sense of calm was a stabbing anger and sadness, however. Somehow, she was disappointed that Jax had not approached her, and she was indignant at the thought. In her mind, he was mostly responsible for what had happened to her. And, she realized with some despondency, she had been afraid that the knowledge would disgust him, just as violently as it propelled him to avenge her. She accepted the loss, knowing that he would never want something that had been torn up the way she had. And although it incensed and dismayed her, because she never liked to lose anything, she resigned herself to the inevitability of it all. On top of it all, the truth really had set her free, as she was back to camming and making money again. She could only breathe a sigh of relief. Life was going to move on, and she could finally put Jax and all that had come with him behind her, and she was glad to do it.

But two days was all it had taken before a benevolent knock sounded on her door. She wasn't fussed about it, she had become used to nighttime callers since Jax had come into her life. She didn't believe it was him, though, didn't believe he had the gall to face her after all of it and all the knowledge that had been dropped on him. She trotted to the door with her glass of wine in her hand, he hair pulled up and he pajamas on, her cheeks rosy and her body relaxed after a few hours on cam.

And of course, it was Gemma. She huffed as she opened the door. She didn't know what the fuck this woman could want with her at this point. Did she never shrink from putting her nose where it didn't belong? Jax and everyone knew the truth now, something Gemma had been pushing her to let out since the moment the secret had fell into her lap. Now that they knew, Jennifer saw no reason for her to be around bothering her anymore.

She tried to contain the flashing look in her eyes as she opened the door, and Gemma, as usual, pushed her way bodily into the house without any preamble.

"The Club is on lockdown. They're tying up loose ends with Zoebelle. Jax said to pack up the kids and head over to the right away."

Jennifer's eyes went wide as she stifled a laugh. "Well, hello to you too."

Gemma looked at her with barely concealed annoyance. "I'm not fucking around Jen. You need go and do what he says. He's just keeping you safe until it's all… Handled." Gemma finished up curtly, not uttering the fact that they were going to kill Zoebelle and anyone that had laid hands on her.

Jennifer couldn't help but laugh outright, setting her glass of wine on the table next to her so she didn't spill it. When Gemma didn't crack a smile, Jen was forced to accept that she was actually serious, and she tried to compose herself.

"Jesus, you've got to be kidding me. There's no way in hell I'm going there. Were just fine and plenty safe right here." Jennifer had a few more things on her mind she would have liked to say, but she knew not to cross a certain line with Gemma where her son was involved and elected to keep her thoughts to herself.

Gemma eyed her up and down, and she knew that Gemma had been preparing for her reluctance.

"Fine. Then we're keeping someone here, until all of this shit blows over."

Jennifer tried to contain her rage as she followed Gemma out the front door. When she passed the threshold, she saw an angry old biker and a younger one next to him who wasn't even sporting his top rocker sitting in her driveway on their bikes.

"Piney, Half-Sack, this is Jennifer." Gemma called over her shoulder disinterestedly as she made her way to her Escalade. Jennifer let out an annoyed huff.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do with them?!" Jennifer called out at her, her blood boiling. Instead of answering, Gemma made her way to the driver's side door, her heels clicking in condemnation.

Jen eyed the men with suspicion and anger, declaring to them that they could sleep on the porch before she stomped back inside and slammed the door shut.

SOASOASOASOASOASOA

Piney and Half-sack, in fact, did not end up sleeping on her porch. Half-sack and he had followed her around like her shadow, earning biting remarks from her every time she found a good way to throw a jab in. She was fuming at them intruding on her life, at the way she had to scramble to explain their presence to her confused children. It wasn't as if they had been rude to them, no, they were actually so nice that the kids had become excited at their presence, rushing off the school bus after their day was done to beg Piney to take them around the block on his bike again before they came back inside to cajole half-sack into slipping them popsicles from the freezer before dinner was done.

She had avoided having a serious conversation with either of them, even though she was itching for answers. She felt cornered, like she had no choice to accept them into the fold in order to avoid upsetting her kids, and she had stopped trying to work after the first day. She didn't want her bookkeeping business to suffer because of their presence, and something about fucking herself on camera in her bedroom while they were out in the living room seemed too disturbing for her to even try.

So, by the third night, her kids were in bed, and half-sack had left back to the clubhouse to escort some of the girls to the grocery store, she had finally decided to let shit go and make the best of it. She walked into her living room where Piney was watching reruns of the Andy Griffith show and presented him a bottle of Jameson. He may have already been six beers deep, but Jennifer had a mind to drink tonight to decompress, and she didn't want to drink alone when there was another person so obviously in the house.

Piney cracked a smile for the first time since he had been there as she lined the shot glassed up on her coffee table, knocking one back without much preamble. She decided to lead into the conversation easily, allowing them each a few shots before she spoke.

"You getting sick of babysitting duty yet?"

Piney shrugged, wholly indifferent to the situation.

"My VP seems to think you're worth protecting. That's good enough for me." He answered stoically.

"Your VP seems to have a lot of bright ideas." She remarked, and although the words could have been a compliment, her tone negated that in an instant.

"He's a prideful guy." Piney answered, and she tried to contain the satisfied look on her face. This had been the most she had been able to get out of either of them since they had been with her, they had barely uttered a full sentence in her direction.

"Pride…" She scoffed, the word rolling off her tongue as though it tasted bad. "Yes, pride tastes very good when the crust is flaky and there's meringue on the top." She chastised, unwilling to offer any begrudging acceptance in the situation, even if Jax was playing right into her hands, fulfilling her promise to Tully, just as she had expected he would.

"You got a loud mouth." Piney remarked unhappily, pouring himself another shot and downing it before he spoke again. "You should try a different route. You seem pretty headstrong, but you're not likely to get what you want around here that way."

"I'm not trying to get anything." She remarked, her tone flat as she matched his shot with deference. "In fact, I'd be well off to be rid of the lot of you."

Piney looked at her in anger as though he was about to tell her just how goddamn dumb and sub-par she was, when Half-Sack came through the front door.

"Oh, just in time." She remarked lazily. "I need a cigarette and since this old man doesn't smoke, you'd better have one. Have a shot." She offered with a smile.

Half-sack shuffled from side to side, uncomfortable with the situation, as he usually seemed to be. He pulled his pack of cigarettes out of his Kutte, tossing them to her unceremoniously.

"Go ahead and have a smoke, but you've gotta come with me. Jax wants to see you."

Jennifer laughed at the idea, although she had a sinking feeling that laughing these people off would do very little to help her at this point. They had strong-armed their way into her life so forcefully, she found her contempt to be her only weapon, even if it was mostly useless.

"Tell Jax to whistle for it. I'm busy." She said, downing one more shot as she got up, pulling a cigarette out. She heard Piney huff in disapproval as him and Half-sack shared a glace, and she suddenly felt that she was about to be brought bodily to Jax whether she wanted to or not. She scowled, lighting the cigarette as she went out the front door. She was in a black t-shirt dress, which she knew she should probably change before she got on the back of someone's bike, but she lacked the ability to care now that she was pleasantly half-drunk. It seemed that she would see Jax, as much as she had tried to push it out of her mind, whether she wanted to or not.


	9. Leave the Window Open

**A/N: A little bit shorter this time. Thanks for all your reviews and favorites. You guys are the shit. For reference, I based Jennifer's father, James White, off of Vic Mackey from the Shield. XO**

Jennifer's words had been ringing in his head on repeat, like some constant dreadful din ever since he had found out what had happened to her. It all made sense now. Her irritability, her distance. He cringed when he thought back to all the instances he had advanced on her in the time between that night at the Clubhouse and now, how he had become annoyed and instigated fights with her because of her rejection. How could she have not trusted him enough to tell him? That hurt more than anything. He shook his head warily, he had no right to feel hurt over anything. She had been hurt, not him. She was probably still hurting in a way he would never grasp. And she hadn't asked for his help, his comfort. Even now that he knew, she asked for nothing from him. He couldn't decide if it was because she truly did despise him so much that she didn't feel he would handle it properly, or because she was afraid that his reaction would have been too much for anyone to control. He didn't know which prospect was worse, only that they both circled his mind continually, throwing him into despondency.

His anger, however, had overpowered all those depressed, lost feelings. He had kept his distance from her out of courtesy. After all, the last time they had been face to face, she had told him she never wanted to see him again, how he made her miserable. And now it was strikingly apparent how right she was. He had brought all of this on her. And she had taken it and stuffed it down deep inside, bearing it all on her own. He didn't even feel like he deserved to ask her to be near him, and when she had refused to come on lockdown he had begrudgingly accepted that too. There was no other way out now but to kill them all for what they had done and cut Jennifer loose, so she could go on with her life, without the memory of it in her face, without him putting her in harm's way again. She had been right. Cutting ties with her family had been dangerous, but somehow, she had done it unscathed. But cutting ties with her family and half-heartedly taking up with him? That was a recipe for danger. She was too mixed up in all of it with no solid standing for protection. She had warned him bad it would all be, she had pushed him away in so many ways. But he had pushed back on her, so sure of his ability to see an issue and handle it before it came to fruition. He had been so fucking blind about it all, and what had it done to her? She was right, that much was clear. And he would make sure she got out of the way of it all, just like she wanted. He owed her that much, even if the idea of her leaving him behind left him bitter.

When Half-Sack pulled up on the lot with her on the back of his bike, he was slightly annoyed. Why hadn't the little shit driven her in her truck? She was pressed up against him, in a dress no less, and she was way too good looking to be on the back of his bike. She was all woman and he was just a gangly kid in comparison. Jax met the bike, helping her off, shooting Half-Sack a stare that made him beat away from his presence hastily. Jennifer walked over to the picnic table, Jax following behind her with an earnest look in his eyes, his hands in his pockets.

Finally, she stopped and faced him. She couldn't look more beautiful than she does right now, he thought. Her cheeks were rosy from the alcohol she had consumed, her face clear of makeup for once. Somehow, she looked even better with her hair pulled up, a feat not accomplished by most women in his experience. He grabbed both her hands gently, pulling them up and kissing them softly.

Jennifer chuckled. She never really was very good with serious situations, they always made her uncomfortable. "I'm not going to break, Jax. I'm just the same as the last time you saw me. Don't make it different."

Jax nodded, pulling her towards him and wrapping his arms around her.

"I'm just sorry." He didn't know what else to say. He hadn't planned it out, and now that he was near her, the words seemed impossible to grasp, like they were floating above him just out of reach. Jennifer said nothing, but he felt her head nod into his chest. "I promise, I'm going to handle it." He wanted to ask her if she believed him, but he stopped himself. There was no reason to lay his feelings out when hers were what mattered, if she ever cared to show them, although he didn't think it was likely. He had already killed Weston and two of the other men involved, but he didn't think she needed to know the details. They were still working on Zoebelle, but he was close, and he knew he would get him soon.

Before he had called Jennifer to come see him, he mad mentally prepared himself for it. He knew he would want to touch her, connect with her. He was even ashamed enough to admit he still wanted to fuck her. He had been yearning for it for so long, and knowing all he did now, his interest in being near her hadn't waned an ounce. In fact, the surge of protection he felt for her almost heightened his need to have her. He was an asshole, but not a big enough asshole to believe she wanted that from him. He had tried to talk himself down, making a mental vow not to let it get the better of him. But now that she was near him, he could already feel his restraint slowly slipping away. Especially now, as she tipped her face up to look at him, her lips just begging for him. In fact, her eyes almost seemed like she was truly asking him to come for her. But that couldn't be. She hated him, and she had gone through enough. He settled for kissing her on the forehead, taking her hand in his after their embrace finally ended.

"You were right, Jennifer. Me and you, it was a bad idea. It never should've started or gotten this far. I'm going to make sure nothing like that ever happens to you again."

If Jax had bothered to meet her gaze after the words came out of his mouth, he would've saw Jennifer's face go white, the way it does when you receive a blow you aren't expecting. He was too concerned with looking at their locked hands, trying to think of the right way to say everything. When he looked up, Jennifer's face was some strange mixture of shock and rage that temporarily stunned him. He was giving her what she wanted, and yet somehow, he began to feel like he was just hurting her more.

"Oh." Jennifer huffed, more of a shocked proclamation than an acquiescence to his words. Suddenly, she shook her hand out of his grip. Jennifer hardly knew where to start as her head spun from the rejection. She had already prepared for the fact that he was going to ghost her, she knew men like him couldn't handle shit like what had happened to her. But mentally accepting it when they weren't even speaking and hearing him say it to her face were on two totally diverse levels. And much like any other time in her life, whenever she felt cornered, physically or emotionally, she lashed out.

The stare she landed on him was actually intimidating, he thought. He had never been intimidated by a woman in his life, barring his mother when he was still young enough to get his ass beat by her.

"Why don't you just say it, you coward." She spat at him, her words full of venom. "You're scared to be with me now. You'd rather be with some silly little bitch who can't open her mouth except to say 'yes sir' or 'no sir' and raise a bunch of dumb, arrogant bikers just like you."

"Wait, what?" Jax was still bewildered by her anger, unable to process how she could possibly be hurt now, after she had made it so clear that she wanted him out of her life. He had fought with her plenty of times, but he had never heard her so viciously angry before.

Jennifer turned on her heel, walking away from him, trying to contain her rage before she did something terrible. When he grabbed her arm and called her name, she spun around on him, yanking her arm back aggressively.

"You just stay the fuck away from me, do you understand? Those guys at my house better be gone by the time I get home, or I swear, I'll-I'll… I'll run them out with my gun! I mean it!" She started to walk away again, Jax tailing behind her at a healthy distance, when she turned back around again, and he nearly flinched. "And don't you come checking on me! I mean it! If I see you anywhere near me, I'll call my brother, my father, my husband. I don't care! Just stay away!" She knew she was bordering on hysteria as her voice raised, and she continued making her away from him, suddenly realizing with frustration that she didn't have her car. She looked around wildly, locking eyes with the first man she could find.

"You! Take me home." She called out, changing her direction to walk towards him instead. Tig locked eyes with Jax over her shoulder, who nodded to him silently.

"Yes M'am." Tig answered, handing her his helmet.

Jax watched her leave the lot on another man's bike again, and he could hardly help the desolate confusion ringing inside him, feeling like it would be the last time he would ever really see her.

Gemma watched the scene unfold from the confines of the garage office, peeking at them through the blinds, shaking her head. She wasn't sure how she felt about it all. She felt for Jennifer, for all that she had gone through, for all that she was dealing with in her life. But it was hard for her to stomach the vicious barbed words she so frequently aimed at her son, who, for all his posturing, clearly seemed to care about her. Before now, Gemma had always thought that Jennifer knew Jax cared for her and she didn't want him. Now, it was obvious that they had a serious communication problem. Jennifer had been so clearly hurt by Jax turning her loose, and Jax had been so sure he was doing right by her by doing so. The two of them were starting to give her a fucking migraine.

She walked out of the office a few minutes after Tig had taken off with Jen on the back of his bike and made her way towards her son. She stood next to him in silent solidarity, saying nothing for a moment.

"When you were inside…" Gemma started, Jax looking at her to acknowledge receipt of her words. "Why didn't the Aryan's kill you?"

Jax shrugged. "They got to Juice, then the sort of just fell off the radar. I don't know what happened. I guess we got lucky."

Gemma shook her head, looking up at her son. "You didn't get lucky. When you went inside, I told Jennifer. She met with her stepfather and worked something out to get you protected."

Jax stilled at her words. He had thought it was profoundly providential that they had all made it out alive. Even when Tully had met with him privately and told him what happened to Jennifer, he never suspected it was because of what Gemma was alluding to now. He had thought that Jennifer had confided in Tully about what had happened to her, had gone to him for protection. Hearing Gemma's words now, he was struggling as he put together the pieces.

Jax shook his head. "He's her father-in-law, not her stepfather."

"She's married?" Gemma asked, clearly disturbed by the knowledge. Maybe she hadn't heard all of their conversation.

"She's separated." And it really didn't matter at this point. Jax didn't think it was possible for him to feel more like shit after what had just transpired, but he was fully wrong, again.

SOASOASOASOASOASOA

Jennifer attempted not to fold into herself after her encounter with Jax. She didn't know what she had expected. She had expected him to move away from her, but she had hoped it would have been subtler. She had never felt self-conscious a day in her life, but the new feeling now wreaked havoc over her. The way he had pulled her so close, had been so gentle at first, all she had wanted was his acceptance and support at that moment. She had practically been begging for him to kiss her. To be turned down when all she needed was for him to still want her, even if she would have turned him down anyways, was crushing blow to her psyche. She hated him, and she hated herself for being hurt over it. She hated her own weakness most of all.

He had pulled his men off babysitting duty like she had asked, which further incensed her. She supposed that she would have been mad either way. They still rode by her house often, the rumbling of their bikes unmistakable. Sometimes they would linger in front of her house, seemingly looking for signs of life inside, making sure that she was still there and still okay. Sometimes she wondered if it was Jax himself riding by, but she never worked up the nerve to go out and check.

She had thrown herself back into her work and had a new fascination with cleaning her house spotless every day. She had even stopped drinking at night, being too sad and uptight to even consider it. Contrary to what Jax may have thought of her, she only drank to relax when she was happy. She never drank to drown her sorrows. So, when shit was wicked for her, she tended to steer away from it. As usual, the only thing for her to hold onto were her kids. They took long walks to the park every night, their presence a soothing balm to her soul, their need of her the only thing that propelled her feet forward every day.

Little by little, she started to feel okay again. It was all over, she kept reminding herself. Her secret was out and Jax wouldn't make any trouble for her anymore. Everything was going to go back to normal, just how she wanted. What she couldn't work out in her mind now was why she felt more twisted up and lonely than ever before.

When her father knocked on her door late on a Friday night, she was ready for the fight that she knew would ensue. She had her back up as she let him in, grateful that her kids were already in bed even if she knew both parties would be sad that they had missed each other. Erin and Michael loved their 'Papa' and she knew they missed him, and he missed them just as much.

Her father stalked in the house in his usual manner, oppositional and languidly commanding. With the easy grace of two people who had known each other for an eternity, she grabbed him a beer before they settled together on the couch. As much as she feigned indifference, she had felt the sting of having their relationship severed over the course of all that had transpired. She had always been the apple of his eye growing up, even far into her teen and young adult years, she had been his pet. He loved her vivaciousness, her strength, and he felt that she was a great credit to him. In his own mind, he often thought that if his son had only been born with half the shrewdness his daughter possessed, he could have been a truly proud father, for Jennifer would have made an amazing man and comrade if she hadn't been born a girl. Even though she hadn't been his first born, it was known without words between anyone in their family that she had always been his favorite.

Her father settled in on the couch, and Jennifer fidgeted restlessly as she waited for him to speak. She still didn't know who all knew what had happened to her. She had bargained on the fact that Tully didn't tell her father and brother yet. If he would, she assumed he would be logical enough to at least wait until Zoebelle was dead. But it was a toss-up. He might have told them already, or he may not tell them at all. In essence, there was no reason for anyone to know- if the problem was taken care of between her, Tully, and Jax.

"It's been a while, hasn't it?" He asked, smirking at her. She nodded depreciatingly. She wanted so much to tell her father everything, to have him take all her problems and her pain away as he always had. But times had changed, she noted sadly. No one handled her problems for her anymore except her, and maybe Jax, she concluded irritably. But she couldn't think about that right now, couldn't let him get into her head again.

"It has, daddy. And I have missed you."

Her and father talked for a bit about regular things, about her work, the children, about her father's life and how her mother was doing. She tried not to roll her eyes too hard when her mother was brought up. They had been at odds for almost as long as she could remember. Since she turned about 12, her obstinance and her budding independence had caused a rift between her and mother that had become irreparable. She loved her mother, for all it was worth. But she had always had a problem with females and authority, and her mother was the caricature on both accounts. They butted heads indefinitely, and Jennifer never failed to see the shortcomings in her mother, happy to point them out and judge her for them, and the feeling had become completely mutual to the sorrow of the two of them and their family at large. She still saw her mother occasionally, and she still let her kids go spend the night with her on weekends sometimes. But there was never any close friendship between them, and there was no love lost.

Finally, the comfortable façade they had built up had worn its way down and her father turned to her with a more serious face, using the pet name only he called her. "What the hell is going on with you Jenny? I saw you at Samcro's clubhouse that night. What are you doing taking up with bikers?"

Jen wanted to yell at him, to dig her heels into the ground and tell him what was what. But after all that had happened last time she had seen Jax, she couldn't find the will to be indignant anymore. She bit her lip, shaking her head.

"It was a mistake, dad. It won't happen again." Her father looked at her skeptically, seemingly surprised by how quickly she had backed down. He saw the tears in her eyes and reluctantly took her into his arms, cuddling her into his side as she cried noiselessly, biting her thumbnail to try to keep herself from braking down.

"I don't even know how I could have been so dumb." She confessed. Jennifer, of course, was referring to her relationship with Jax, how she had kept the thought in the back of her mind that Jax might have cared for her. James White, on the other hand, took her words at face value, concluding that Jen was just upset because she had made friends with the wrong people in her loneliness as she tried to navigate her life after separating from her husband. Jen had made a lot of bad decisions in dealing with that, he thought. But he was willing to forgive it all. Women were emotional and prone to unwise decision making, that was a fact he had come to know well, and even Jennifer in all her shrewdness was susceptible to it. He couldn't fault her for making a few mistakes as she tried to find her bearings. He just had to find a way to get her back on track and get back with her husband, so her family could be together again. He had never seen his daughter so happy as when Jeremy was sober, and they were living life together with their two beautiful kids. The woman she had become since then was one he barely recognized, too hardened with the world and too discerning and suspicious. He had seen the same hard look and sharp gait in men he had looked up to and fought side by side with, and it didn't do well for him to see it on his own daughter. No, he preferred her happy, carefree, and accommodating, the way he had always known her to be as a wife. And he wanted to get that back for her, even if she didn't think it was what was best for her. As her father, he believed he knew what was best whether she agreed or not, the same way she felt to her own children now.

He held her strongly, letting her cry and get her feelings out by being her rock, the only way he knew how. He had held her countless times this way before, when she was 3 and she had fallen off her bike, when she was 15 and her first crush had hurt her feelings. It didn't matter that she was 26 now and a mother herself. She felt no different in his arms.

"You're not dumb. You're the smartest girl I know. And there's nothing so bad that can't be fixed. You know that, baby girl. Don't cry anymore. Be strong like I know you are. It'll all be okay again."

Jennifer nodded sadly, refusing to pull herself out of his embrace and meet the world all over again. She was so embarrassed and so relieved all at once. She knew her father didn't understand what was going, what she was saying, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that he was here again, that he loved her, and he would fight for her just like he always had. Her family may have been fucked up, but no one could say that they weren't around when the going got tough. They never casted her out, at least, not completely, and their sheltering embrace would be with her until she died. She basked in the relief and familiarity of it. Perhaps, moving away from her family had not been the best move. It had felt good at the time, and it had been necessary, but now she questioned how much of it was based in reality or emotion. She had always prided herself on ruling her life through her head and not her heart, and maybe she had been guilty of breaking that cardinal rule. With the sting of Jax's denunciation still hot on her heart, all she could think now was how great it felt to be back home again.


	10. Heavier Than Heaven

**A/N: Sorry this one is short. The next chapter is too long and set farther out, so it didn't make sense to mix em up.**

 _"_ _Turn around and fill me up  
Make me lose my mind, I'm givin' up  
Just tell my man that I'm doin' fine  
He's got blood on his hands, and I'm doin' fine…"_

After a brief interlude of licking her wounds, Jennifer had started to get back on her feet again. The warmth and the protection of her family surrounding her again had been helpful. It seemed one of them was always around these days. Her father swinging by, sometimes with her mother in tow, or Lacey and the kids insisting she meet up with them on the weekends for barbecues. Lacey was about as attached to her as a goddam parasite, she noted with a fond contempt, just the way she had been before Jennifer had distanced herself from the family by way of self-imposed exile. Lacey was as loyal and trusting as a border collie, something Jennifer found distasteful, even if it did have its benefits. She was a friend, a good one at that. It seemed as though Lacey had just been waiting on the sidelines to pick right back up where they had left off, when they were both married to men in the same gang. Things weren't that way anymore of course, at least not really, but the shift in it all was unmistakable. Her dad must have put down word to keep her close again. He had been surprised at her willingness to admit her shortcomings, and he was determined to nail her back down where she belonged.

The blow of Jax's rejection had left her grappling with self-consciousness, a somewhat foreign concept to her. She knew she wasn't perfect by any means, but she had never set her cap after a man before and not gotten him in her life. She supposed she was acting like a spoiled brat, but it didn't change the fact that she was on an unplanned and misguided mission to prove herself to herself all over again. She got on cam frequently, relishing in the attention she got, counting the money she earned with an unbecoming pride. If men paid this much for her affections, certainly she had to be worth something. Being raped hadn't changed her, she thought to herself with satisfaction. It, of course, had changed her drastically and not for the better; but she would never allow her mind to go to that place, preferring to cover up those feelings with the cheap thrill of flattery and admiration, even if it was as shallow as it possibly could be. Her life on cam was her own, something special and separate from every world she moved in. She had built it from the ground up with nothing but determination and her own charm and wit, and she guarded it viciously even though it was built out of response to a situation that no longer existed. She had plenty of money to get by without it now, and yet, she held onto it more fiercely than ever before.

Jeremy had been around a good deal to see the kids, and his cash flow to her was steady, something that almost felt too good to be true. He had dropped the custody suit, but he hadn't divorced her yet fully, instead having his lawyer push the final court date out again, something she was annoyed and relieved about. She was glad the custody suit was gone, at least for now, but she also couldn't help but feel an innate sense of dread as though he was holding it over her head like a whip, waiting to see what hand she was going to play. Until they divorced completely, she knew she wasn't out of the woods on that front, but she decided to let herself enjoy the short reprieve and tried not to fuss too much about what the future might bring. In her experience, things rarely turned out the way you worried they would. They tended to become more complex and fucked up. So, what was the point of being worrisome now? Her bank account was full, her kids were with her. No one was stirring shit up for once. The other shoe would drop, eventually, but she was satisfied to wait it out in contentment rather than nervousness.

And Jeremy was looking so good these days. It lightened her heart, in a big-picture way, to see him healthy again. He seemed different this time, and she wondered if she had been too hard on him. He had attempted sobriety many times while they were together, but he had always been a miserable prick. Lately though, he seemed so calm, so even-keeled. She wondered if he was working a program, but she doubted it. Whatever he had found seemed to have gotten him into a good place, and she wasn't one to look a gift-horse in the mouth. She found it hard though, not to fall back into their habitual roles and mannerisms with one another. She wasn't tight-lipped and tense around him anymore, they joked, and she found herself actually enjoying his company when they would meet up for the kids to spend time with him. He was so genuinely warm and pleasant to be around these days, it all felt like some sick dream. He was still Jeremy though, hard, rigid, and outwardly cold in general. But he was all those things in a good way again, like he had been when they were younger. And she couldn't help but feel some pride in him as he worked his way up again on the street-fighting circuit. He had always been so good at that, and it was something he had been proud of. Now, though, he didn't seem fulsome. He just seemed content. It had gotten back around to her that he had risen up in the Brotherhood, too. It saddened her, as she knew that was never what he had aspired to as they had grown up with one another. But in the same token, she had an animalistic pride in him and the ruthlessness and strength he must have put to work in order to earn and exert that kind of command. She wondered if Tully was proud of him, too. He always had a strange way of looking at things, though. Probably he had some wise, big-picture way of looking at it that didn't lay the blame at his feet for the way his son turned out.

She tried not to think of Jax too often, for when she did her thoughts rocked around in her head like a storm. She wondered if he was safe, if Zoebelle was dead. She wondered if he would be doing hard time soon for the gun charges he had hanging over his head, and she wondered if it would change him. She hated him, hated the way he made her question herself and everything she knew, and he practically did it without trying. And yet, she missed him. She missed the way he looked at her sometimes when he thought she wasn't paying attention, like a cat looking at a mouse-hole. He was searching for something from her, anticipating something, and yet she had no idea what it was. She missed the way he joked with her, the way he congratulated her on the things she had worked so hard for, the things she was proud of, the things that everyone else who loved her seemed to chide her for. He seemed to accept most anything she did with the same amusement an adult would with a boisterous child, and she longed for the security that aspect of the relationship had brought to her. She yearned for his energy in her life again, which was something she had become accustomed to and taken for-granted. Mostly though, she just despised herself for remembering all these things and longing for him because of it.

As she swayed next to the bonfire at her brother's house tonight, slightly drunk, her kids fast asleep in Lacey and Nucky's house with their cousins, she tried to push the thought of him from her mind. There was no going back now, and she just had to accept the terms to which things had come. He brother laughed loudly from the other side of the fire, a bottle of Jack in his hand, his wife perched on his lap, looking as dainty as ever. Her father engaged in whatever conversation was going on between the men across from her, a beer in his hand and his other in the pocket of his jeans. He seemed happy and at ease for once, and all the men stood about one another talking animatedly, howling with laughter like the wolves they were. All except for once. Jeremy stood next to her, his cheeks and lips red from he alcohol he had consumed. He always seemed to find a way lately to make it feel like they were alone even if they were in a crowd of people. Jennifer took another drink of her beer, tossing her cigarette into the fire that roared in front of her. She was so desperate to get the thought of Jax out of rotation in her mind, when Jeremy slipped his arm around her shoulders, she smiled up at him sweetly instead of tensing up and pulling away for the first time in a year.

SOASOASOASOASOA

As Jax washed the blood from his hands in the bathroom of his dorm at the clubhouse, a sense of relief finally came over him, something he had been on edge for ever since he had heard about what had happened to Jennifer. He had never been so disrespected in his life, and it didn't matter that he was trying desperately to move the Club in a different direction ever since he had found his dead father's manuscript detailing how the Club had lost it's way. This was the type of situation that warranted nothing but a swift and bloody retribution, and he tried to reconcile it all in his head, convicing himself that JT would have done the same thing if it had been Gemma who had been raped on his watch. Somehow, he couldn't help but feel like he was going backwards, and it scared how much he had enjoyed doing so.

He thought back the look on Zoebelle's face as he looked up at him from his precarious position on his knees. He heard the light, visceral sound of his voice pleading for his life as it echoed through his head on repeat. He felt the warm splatter of blood as he pistol-whipped him when he wouldn't shut the fuck up. And now, he marveled at the sense of calm that had come over him once he had pulled the trigger and sprayed his brains across the room. It was done. Everyone who had touched what belonged to him was now dead, just like they deserved to be. They still had a lot of loose ends to tie up, but the heavy lifting was behind them.

He wanted to tell Jennifer, to be near her again and confess all that he had done for her. He shook his head at thought, disgusted by the way he still craved her so much. She had taken up such a big seat in his life since he had met her, and now the void she left was consuming. He knew he had to accept that it was all over and done with, but part of him didn't want to let it all go just yet. He knew that he and the Club would probably be back in prison soon, unless they came up with a good plan quick, and he tried to tell himself that it would be the perfect catalyst for him to move on from all this shit. He was almost looking forward to it.

Jax dried his hands off as he heard the door to his room open up, shutting off the water and sauntering out to meet his mother. He knew his shirt was still spattered with blood, and he took it off as he stepped out to meet her.

Gemma walked over to him, laying her hand on his cheek as she looked him over, checking him for damage and landing a final gaze on his eyes, searching for some sign that he was okay.

"It's done?" She asked, and when Jax nodded, instead of feeling like she had let a long overdue breath out, she felt just as heavy as she had before.

Jax moved away from her touch and her probing gaze, opting to sit on the edge of his bed. Gemma paced the room with her hands in her back pockets, like she was prone to do when she was getting ready to say something she had on her mind.

"How's Jennifer doing?" She asked tentatively, waiting for his reaction.

Jax moved a ringed hand down his face, suddenly too tired to talk. "I wouldn't know."

"Where are you at with that, Jax?" Gemma dropped her façade, asking him outright about what she wanted to know. It was amusing how much Gem and Jen were alike, neither of them knew how to not be bold in what they wanted, and they rarely wasted time beating around the bush.

"Nowhere."

Gemma shook her head, seemingly not buying into his words. "I see the way you look at her, Jax. That's not nothing." Gemma looked at Jax, waiting for a response, and when he stayed stoic, obviously not interested in playing into the conversation, she took the chance the speak her mind. "Why do you guys play so many fucking games with each other? If you want her, go get her."

Jax shrugged. "It's not that simple. And anyway, it's done."

"No, it is that simple. Quit fucking around and go claim what's yours if you want it so bad. That's what got her into this mess, Jax. She needs to know she' protected before she makes that jump. Everyone needs to know. Hanging around on the outskirts of it all is only going to get her hurt again."

Jax was seething at his mother's words, even if he knew there was some truth to them. But, Gemma didn't know shit. Jax had cut ties with her so she wasn't fucking around in limbo with him anymore for that precise reason. But he couldn't help but feel heartened by his mother's words. Was it that simple? He felt that he knew Jennifer well, even if they had only known each other a fleeting time in the grand scheme of things. She wasn't likely to take pride in being claimed by anyone, she was the one to do the claiming in most things, and she was fiercely independent, even to her own detriment. She seemed to care not if she was making things harder on herself by pushing everyone and everything away, no matter how much they might benefit her. Still, he couldn't help but miss the warmth she had brought to his life while she was in it, like a raging fire that fueled everything.


	11. Love Won't Keep Us Apart

Jennifer stared at her profile in her vanity mirror with a mixture of annoyance and confusion. She was getting fat. She had never been one to gain weight, always idling in the same form, even after having kids. But now, she had gained a solid 15 pounds at least, if she were to guess. She wondered how noticeable it was. She didn't own a scale, never being too interested in staying fit, so it was all just an irritable estimate. She was just as active as always and couldn't remember her eating habits changing too much. It wasn't like she was pregnant.

The thought hit her, and she stilled as her heart rate began to pick up. It couldn't be possible. She was on the shot, and she never missed it. She suddenly felt anxiousness creep up on her like a vice grip. Her heart pounded mercilessly in her chest as she lifted up her shirt to look at her stomach, for the tell-tale signs of her first two pregnancies. She jumped when Erin opened her bedroom door, hastily pulling her shirt back down.

"Jesus! You scared me."

Erin looked unamused as she held her costume wig in her hands, gingerly brushing out the curls. Jennifer was glad for her obliviousness. She wanted to shove her suspicions away and pretend like they had never come out in the light of day, but she knew there was no getting away from them.

"Sorry, mom. We gotta get going, though. You want to curl my hair today instead of using the costume wig?"

Jennifer sighed as she grabbed her bomber jacket and her purse from her vanity, following her into the bathroom. "Sure thing, baby."

Two days later, Jen sat in the doctor's office, tapping her foot impatiently and biting her nails as she waited for her doctor to come back in with the blood test results. It was the same doctor who had delivered Erin and Michael, and he made light-hearted jokes about how he hadn't expected to see her back again for a pregnancy test after her vehement declarations that she was done having children after Michael had been born. The labor with him had been horrendous, and he had come out at almost 10 lbs, breaking his collar bone on the way out. The labor has been so excruciating Jennifer had honestly wanted to die, and she vowed to never have another.

The doctor's jokes did little to lighten her mood today however, and she wanted to slap him for his crude remarks. There was nothing funny about this. She didn't want to have another baby. She wasn't married, hell, she didn't even have a boyfriend. And on top of all that, the looming dread of the idea that the child may have been a product of the assault on her over a month ago, it all made her feel sick to her stomach, which further spurned on her conclusion that she might indeed be knocked up.

When the door clicked open, Jennifer stilled as he walked into the room.

"Well, it looks like you'll have another little one running around before too long."

"You're sure? You're positive?"

"Blood tests are about as accurate as it gets. You're definitely pregnant." The doctors voice seemed to waiver as he sensed her uneasiness, and he decided to try to cut the appointment as short as possible.

She stood up and started pacing, her anger and confusion reverberating around her and taking over the room. "Well how the fuck did that happen? I was on the shot, I never missed an appointment."

He shook his head, "Nothing is 100%. There's always a chance. I'll write you a script for some prenatal vitamins, you know the drill."

"I need to know how far along I am." Her voice came out more forceful than she would have liked, which tended to happen when she was scared, but she never seemed to be very good at controlling herself.

"Well, based on the last time you had your birth control shot, I'd say you're easily 4 months."

Jennifer felt an insane sense of relief at the idea. It was Jax's baby, there was no doubt about that if the doctor's timeline was correct. And even though shit was sideways between them and probably irreversibly fucked up, he was preferable over the idea that she was pregnant from the product of being gang-raped.

"Oh, thank God…"

"We'll have to do an ultrasound to be sure." The doctor coughed, shuffling around uncomfortably.

"Oh, please, can we do one today? I must know. It's important that I know, please."

He had no earthly idea what his schedule was like for the rest of the afternoon, but he was so anxious to be rid of her that he agreed to take her back and do one immediately rather than have her waiting around for an opening between appointments. Something told him she wasn't going to leave until she got the answers she needed. He didn't want to earn her wrath. He knew all women were insane in the throws of childbirth, but he could still distinctly remember how scary she had been, throwing things at her husband and telling him how she wished he was dead for getting her into this mess.

"Of course, I understand. Follow me."

SOASOASOASOA

She wanted things to go back to normal. She wanted to pretend none of it was happening at all, but her pregnancy was hanging over her head and throwing her into a state of complete confusion. She was angry, scared, lonely, and strangely enough, even a little bit excited. She couldn't wrap her mind around how fucked up her life had become or how unstable her feeling towards the situation were. Ever since Jax had made his appearance, there always seemed to be something new around the corner threatening to disturb any peace she had managed to find for herself. And just when she thought they were done completely, now this had to happen. She didn't want to do it alone. She knew she had to tell him and tell him soon before the situation got too out of hand. The longer she waited the messier it would all be. The last thing she wanted to do was humble herself and go back to him and tell him she was pregnant with his child and they needed to find a way to make it work, to make something work between them. She had raised children with someone on the outside of the law before, and it hadn't been a fucking cake walk. And now she had gone and gotten pregnant by someone even more powerful, possibly even more ruthless than the first baby daddy. And having his kid has far-reaching implications just as bad, if not worse, than her first husband.

But somehow, she couldn't bear to tell him. So, she idled, living life as she normally would, taking care of her children and working. She missed being able to have a drink and a smoke at night to unwind, especially now, when she needed it the most with how she was wound up. Everything about this pregnancy was different than her first two. She hadn't had any morning sickness, which she took as a bad omen. She almost felt like it was a dream, like she wasn't pregnant at all. She kept everyone at arm's length, her family, Jeremy; she didn't want any of them too far into her business to realize something was up. And she hadn't heard a word from Jax. She supposed he had let shit go and moved on, and she really couldn't blame him, even if she did hate him for it.

But, after a month of keeping her dirty secret to herself, she looked at herself in the mirror, noting the small bump that was beginning to peek out over her jeans in the fitted shirt she was prone to wearing. Erin and Michael were at school, and without much thought or preamble, she grabbed her purse and drove to the Clubhouse to confront it all. She did what she was good at, pushing her feelings back and trudging forward even if she was internally kicking and screaming.

She felt something akin to relief when she noticed there were no bikes parked out front of the lot. She parked her truck and walked to the office, knocking on the door light-heartedly as she entered even though it was already open. Gemma looked up over the stack of invoices in front of her, taking in Jennifer and pulling her glasses off before eyeing her warily.

"Long time no see" Jen remarked casually, her hands in her back pockets as she looked around.

Gemma stood up from her chair, setting her glasses down in front of her. "What are you doing here?"

Jennifer sighed, running her hand through her hair, pushing it back from her face. "I need to see Jax."

Gemma made a face and Jennifer bristled. She didn't expect the woman to like her, and she really didn't give a shit. But the last thing she wanted was to deal with her, so she bit her tongue and took her licks.

"Yeah, I can see that. No worries. Tell him I came by?" She called over her shoulder, not waiting for a response as she walked back out to her car. Maybe coming in person had been a mistake. She would just call him and feel him out that way first. Then she could retreat if shit didn't seem copasetic.

Before she could make it out, though, the loud, low rumbling of bikes pulling on to the lot caused her head to snap up. Jax pulled in in front of everyone else, and she thought he hadn't noticed her at all. He hadn't seemed to look her way in the slightest, and she decided to jump into her car and pull out before he could cut his engine. Just as she got the keys in the ignition and her truck roared to life, she heard the rapping of his heavy ringed fingers at her window. She hung her head on the steering wheel in defeat for a moment before rolling down the window. If he had missed her, or he was surprised to see her, he gave nothing away. He was his normal, calm, arrogant self as he smirked at her while he pulled his riding gloves off.

"Hi." She breathed out, still hoping she could leave even though she knew it was in impossibility now. She couldn't leave without telling him. Something felt wrong about being in his presence and not telling him she was pregnant.

Instead of answering her, Jax looked at her expectantly as though he were waiting for an explanation. She cut the engine and opened her car door, causing him to jump back.

"I… I need to talk to you. Is there somewhere we can go?"

Jax looked at her hesitantly, and she thought she would die of shame if he turned her away without giving her the dignity to speak to him. His eyes lingered on her for a moment before he grabbed her hand, leading her into the clubhouse. When they got in, he led her to a ladder which she climbed up behind him, taking them up to the roof. Being midday, it was hot as fuck up there, and she thought it was probably a lovely place when it was nighttime or when the sun was setting, but right now it was anything but comfortable.

"So?" He started, beckoning her to speak.

True to her character, Jennifer blurted out the truth with no buffer and very little forethought.

"I'm pregnant."

Jax's eyes flashed something like fear, not exactly the reaction she had hoped for. What had she hoped for? She couldn't remember anymore. Her eyes burned, and she could hear her heart beating as the blood rushed through her body, spurning her to keep talking.

"I'm pregnant, I'm almost 5 months along. So, I guess you must have knocked me up right when we first started… seeing each other. I just wanted you to know. I just found out not too long ago, I haven't been keeping it a secret or anything. I was on birth control, so I really didn't have a clue. I guess we just got… lucky."

When Jax didn't say anything, she turned away from him, walking around the rooftop so she could do anything except wait on his words. She felt like she was going to burst. Finally, when she turned back towards him, he ran his hands down his face, looking all of his 32 years with his weariness.

"You're sure it's mine?"

Jennifer couldn't fault him for the question. She wanted to be fair with him, to offer him a paternity test when the baby was here, but she couldn't help her anger even if she knew in her heart that he had every right to ask it.

Her eyes flashed as she squared her shoulders. "Of course, it yours!" When Jax's face remained stoic and nonplussed at her outburst, she kept going, spreading her misery around. "I wish it were anybody but yours! I-"

She didn't finish her sentence as Jax came towards her angrily, and she nearly flinched.

"STOP talking."

For once in her life, she shut her mouth, biting her lip at the angry, bitter tears that were hot behind her eyes, tears she refused to let fall. This wasn't going at all how she had hoped it would, even if she didn't exactly know what her vision had been. Logically, she knew she couldn't have expected a calm, happy, warm reception from him. But still – she had hoped for something a little more encouraging. Jax finally turned away from her, a sneer on his face. He seemed to be determined to look in any direction except hers as he walked back towards the ladder they had come up on.

"I gotta go handle some shit. I'll talk to you about this soon."

As much as she wanted to yell at him and go after him, she refused to lose her dignity that way in front of a passel of bikers. She stomped her foot with impertinence as she rubbed her eyes angrily, trying to keep from crying. She couldn't start crying right now, or she knew she'd never stop, and then someone might come up to check on her, and she would truly rather die than have anyone of these people forced to offer her sympathy.

Walking towards the edge of the rooftop, she watched as Jax sped out of the lot, her arms crossed over her chest. How could she have gotten herself into a mess like this? She felt at this point, the universe was conspiring against her, and she didn't know which way was up anymore.

SOASOASOASOA

It had been eight days since she had told Jax she was pregnant. Eight whole goddam days, not that she was counting. It was just that each day that passed her astonishment grew, and she was so stunned at him ignoring her at this point, it was hard not to keep track.

She figured maybe she had judged his character wrong. Jax was a lot of things – egotistical, conceited, clever, manipulative. But she had never pegged him as a man who shirked his responsibilities or didn't answer to the call of duty. There was no greater responsibility than parenthood, and she couldn't believe how things were transpiring. Then again, she realized she had never been a solid judge of character, evidenced by the fact that she was a single mother of two already. It seemed increasingly likely that she was going to become a single mother of three before the year was up.

She threw the towel over her shoulder, concentrating on prepping the food before her for dinner tonight. Lacey had bullied her into coming over for dinner, and all the kids were currently upstairs watching a movie and dozing off for an afternoon nap. Jennifer couldn't stand watching other people work around her, and so she had offered to help get dinner prepared while they waited for Nucky and the rest of the family to show up. Lacey was pregnant again, and she was giddy about it. Lacey was one of those girls who positively lit up at the idea of conception. It was still early, so she hadn't told Nucky or anyone yet, but had confided in Jennifer earlier in the afternoon in a soft, eager lament about how lucky she was. Lacey was not built like her, and her pregnancies had been terribly hard on her. She had almost died having the last, and Jennifer though her a fool to attempt another pregnancy. She was so weak and frail and had miscarried plenty of times. She would have to talk to Nucky about it. She hoped he wasn't pushing Lacey for more kids, or he was certainly going to hear from her about the subject.

When Lacey had gone green while chopping the veggies, Jennifer had told her to go lie down for a little bit while she got the rest done. Pregnancy had never been hard on her, and she didn't mind taking up the slack where other people couldn't. When the front door opened, she finished chopping the bell pepper in front of her before she glanced to see who it was, falsely assuming it was just Nucky coming home. When she looked towards the doorway, however, she saw Jeremy.

She felt that familiar, sinking feeling in her stomach as she looked at him. His eyes were hooded and glazed over, and he had an air of indignation around him. There was no doubt he was high. She had lived through it for so long, she didn't need any drug test to prove it to her. She knew all the signs too well. Wiping her hands off on the towel, she leaned back against the kitchen counter and crossed her arms over her chest. She was at a loss for what to say. There was no point in yelling at him, she had done it too many times and it never helped a damn thing. And she had no clue if he had been invited to dinner or not, so she didn't want to offend her family by asking him what the fuck he was doing here.

Jeremy made his way into the kitchen, and his gaze landed on her stomach. Suddenly her throat felt tight and she couldn't move as her heart threatened to beat its way out of her chest. Her bump was small, even if she had gained some weight all over, especially for how far along she was, and she hadn't gone through great lengths to try to cover it up. No one had noticed a damn thing yet, or if they had, they hadn't said anything. Jeremy, however, was more in tune with her body than any of them and knew full well what she looked like pregnant. And it seemed it hadn't escaped his notice this time.

Suddenly, she felt scared. Jeremy had hit her a few times in the worst of his addiction, but she had never been truly frightened of him, at least not to the point of fearing for her life. Now though, she felt fear. When Jeremy was high he had little empathy for anyone else or the fragility of other humans, and she knew the rage he must feel at her being pregnant with someone else's child was another level than anything they had ever been on before. She wanted to dart away from him as he came towards her, but somehow, her feet stood planted to the spot. The look on his face was that of pure disdain and shock, and she almost pitied him. When he grabbed her shoulders roughly and shook her slightly, she began to fight back like a cornered animal, pushing him away as hard as he could.

"You get your goddam hands off of me." She snarled, and Jeremy sneered as he went towards her again, but they both stopped and turned their heads at the sound of someone cocking their gun.

In the doorway to the kitchen, Lacey stood with a 9mm that looked laughably huge in her hands. Jennifer wanted to holler at the thought of Lacey with a gun and acting as a threat to anyone, but she stopped when she saw the determined, unshakeable look in her eyes. She never thought she would live to see the day Lacey stood up to someone, and to have it be now, and to a man like Jeremy, Jennifer had to give it to her. She had more nerve than she had ever given her credit for.

"Back the fuck up and get out of my house." Lacey uttered, and her tone left little room for discussion. Jennifer, still in shock over Jeremy and now Lacey, could do little other than stand there and watch what was happening in front of her.

"Stay the fuck out of this." Jeremy sneered, and as he turned to make his way towards Lacey, Jennifer grabbed his arm.

"Just go, please." She said harshly, and Jeremy locked eyes with her again, and she saw all the promise of what his gaze held towards her. She knew their conversation was far from over as he smirked at her, turning around and heading towards the front door.

"I'll be seeing you again real soon." He said, leaving without shutting the door behind him. Jennifer and Lacey looked at each other warily before Jennifer followed behind him, locking the door and peering out the window to make sure he got in his car and left. Turning around, she saw Lacey shaking slightly as she set the gun on the table. Jennifer made her way over to her, forcing her to sit down.

"I'm so sorry that just happened here. Jesus, Lacey, what were you thinking? Are you alright?"

Lacey ran a hand through her long hair, pushing it away from her face. She looked so sickly and pale, Jennifer wanted to help her but hardly knew where to start. Lacey looked down at Jennifer's stomach pointedly, before locking eyes with her again.

"Are _you_ okay?" Lacey asked, her tone accusatory. "I didn't want to say anything, but…"

Jennifer collapsed back in her chair, sighing. There was no way of getting away from the conversation now, no matter how much she didn't want to have it.

"It's a long story, Lacey."

"You and Jeremy? Are you?..."

"No. It's not his. It's Jax's."

Lacey looked scandalized by the information. Everyone knew she had been catting around with Jax, but Lacey had never once brought it up to her. She wasn't likely to bring up anything to Jennifer that might anger her or cause a rift between them. Hearing Jennifer so bluntly state that not only had they been together, but now she was pregnant with his child was hard for her to take in.

"Oh." Lacey replied lamely, fretting with her hair now in an anxious way. Jennifer rolled her eyes. She didn't want to talk to anyone about this shit.

Jennifer stood up from her chair, grabbing her purse. "Listen, thank you, for what you just did for me. That took balls. I think I'm going to take the kids and head home, though. I'm not really up for a family dinner anymore." Jennifer moved past Lacey to go upstairs, when Lacey shot up beside her, pulling her into a firm hug.

"I'm sorry, please don't be angry with me. You know I support you no matter what you do, Jen. All babies are blessings. I'll be right there behind you."

Jennifer hated herself for wanting to cry at Lacey's words, and attributed her new found past time of weeping at anything that evoked too much emotion in her to being knocked up. She couldn't think of anything good to say, so she simply nodded, moving out of the room so she could collect Erin and Michael and get the fuck out of there.

SOASOASOASOA

 _You got any doctors bills you need paid yet?_

Jennifer stared at the phone in her hand and fumed. Two fucking weeks of silence, and then this. This awkward, short, rude fucking text message from him. She wanted to scream. She paced her living room in frustration as she read it again, trying to think of what to say back to him. No, maybe she would just ignore his ass like he had ignored her for two weeks. Yes, that would teach him. He would go crazy if she iced him out for a month or two now that she was pregnant. The idea didn't sit right with her though, even if it would have given her some level of satisfaction. After pacing the room a few more times, finally she called him, unable to hold back any longer.

She barely let him speak once he picked up the phone before she started in on him.

"Doctor's bills? That's what you want to talk about? I don't need your fucking money, Jax, that's not what I want from you!"

"What do you want?"

"I want you to act like you give a fuck!" She yelled, angry at him, and doubly angry at how worked up he was making her get. When he didn't say anything, she looked at her phone only to see that he had ended the call.

"Ugh!" Jennifer yelled, throwing her phone at the wall in annoyance. After standing there and contemplating how fucking angry she was for a few moments longer, she finally made her way towards the kitchen and started irritably washing her dishes. She had to do something before she went to sleep, as there was no way she was going to get to bed with how unsettled she currently was. She jumped when she heard a harsh knock at her door some time later. Of all the things she had expected, him coming to her house wasn't one of them. But she was glad for it. She was ready for the fight.

She walked to the door, throwing it open stormily. Jax stood before her in all his glory, and she hated that she still wanted to jump his bones. In fact, she probably even wanted it more now than ever before. Being pregnant made her horny and being ignored only made her chase harder.

"We need to talk" Jax remarked cooly, pushing his way into the house and shutting the door behind him.

"No shit!"

"You need to calm down. You being furious all the time isn't good for the baby."

"Then quit acting like such a douchebag and maybe I'll settle down a bit."

Jax stalked towards her angrily. "Watch you're fucking mouth." He commanded her, grabbing her by the arm. She shook out of his grip hastily.

"No! Fuck that, I'm done catering to men like you. I'll say what I please, especially when it's the truth."

Jax backed away from her, running a hand over his face, and holding his arms out as he smirked dangerously. "What the fuck do you want from me, Jennifer? You have no fucking idea how deep I'm buried here right now. I'm about to go away, for a long fucking time. How am I supposed to help you?"

"Figure it out. It's just as much your responsibility as it is mine. I'm sick of toting everyone's load! It's not fucking fair, I didn't ask for this." She was trying to keep her voice down, but it seemed impossible when she was this heated.

"But we got it." Jax replied, his tone softening as he moved towards her. "Shit happens sometimes. We just gotta ride it out."

Jennifer scoffed. "You have no clue what kind of commitment a kid is, Jax. This isn't something that gets easier, trust me."

Jax stared at her for a few moments before taking her hands in his, and she resigned herself to it, unwilling to fight any harder.

"Do you want this baby?" he asked her, and he was looking at her again in that strange way, like he was waiting for her to say something specific. She hated when he looked at her that way, because she never knew what he was waiting for and the pressure was uncomfortable.

"It's way too late to terminate…"

"That's not what I'm asking." He cut her off quickly. "Do you want this baby? With me?" He asked again, with more resolve.

Jennifer sighed, looking at her feet for a moment before lifting her eyes to meet his. "Yes."

"Then I'm in." He said, and he smirked as he saw the relief wash over her face. He raised his hands up, cradling her head as he brushed his thumbs over her cheeks. "You gotta stop thinking, Jennifer. Stop thinking about how wrong this all is, about your family, about who I am. Just take it for what it is and enjoy the good parts."

"I wish it were that easy." She scoffed.

"It is, just trust me. I got you." Jennifer leaned into him, and finally felt the first semblance of contentment she had in a long time as he wrapped his arms around her. If Jax was in, everything would be better. She knew she would make it somehow either way, but there was relief in knowing she wasn't going to have to navigate it all alone.


	12. A Night On Earth

Jennifer had just put the finishing touches on her makeup as she looked at herself in the mirror. It wasn't her usual attire for a night of camming, an oversized baggy pajama shirt that had probably belonged to Jeremy at some point and a pair of panties. She didn't feel right about being on cam being pregnant, and she decided to keep her stomach covered, even if there were a lot of men who would pay a high dollar for a pregnancy fetish. She hadn't planned to be pregnant, so now that she was, she was feeling her way through it like she was in a dark room looking for a light switch. She hadn't cammed at all since she had found out, and her bills had hurt for it, but now she didn't have a choice. Her property tax bill was due, and she didn't have nearly enough money in savings to cover it.

She fluffed her hair once more as she heard a knocking on her door. The kids had been in bed for an hour, and she knew it could only be one person. Before she could get all the way to the door, she saw Jax open it up and come through, scowling as he looked at her door pointedly, chastising her for leaving it unlocked without saying anything. She rolled her eyes. Things had been amicable with them since they had talked about the pregnancy, but they hadn't made any definitive plans. She still didn't even know if they were going to be 'together' or not, and she was glad to avoid the topic.

Jax pulled his riding gloves off as he looked her up and down, a question playing in his eyes. He didn't seem like himself lately. He seemed stressed, tense; and while she could write most of that off to his shock at being a first-time parent, she couldn't help but feel that something else was going on that she didn't know about.

"What are you all done up for?" He asked calmly, but his eyes betrayed him.

"I've gotta work. I have to pay the taxes on the house, I'm way behind on everything." She remarked nonchalantly, trying to pull her shirt down to cover herself up more to no avail. Jax looked serene as he pushed past her, and she floundered in confusion as she watched him stalk down her hallway, pushing open her bedroom door. She padded after him quickly, and her mouth hung open as she watched him grab her laptop and webcam and smash them on the rail of her bad, stomping on them on the floor for good measure.

"What the FUCK!" She hollered, pushing him away from the mess ineffectively. She wanted to sob. Her laptop and her webcam had cost her well over 2k alone, and there was no way she could get the money to replace them before the tax bill was due. And on top of that, she had already been streaming when Jax had smashed everything, and she thought of all her regulars seeing an angry biker storm up and then a black screen and radio silence. She wanted to rage on him.

"You're not doing this shit, not when you're pregnant with my kid."

"Jesus, you sexist piece of shit! So, what, it's okay when you were just fucking me but now I have to be Lady Madonna cause I'm knocked up with your demon spawn? I have fucking bills, Jax! You just fucked my shit up! What the FUCK!?" She asked again, for good measure. She sat down on the bed, trying to calm her breathing. She knew she shouldn't be so worked up, but she felt like she was going to pass out from how angry she was on top of being pregnant. She held her head in her hands as she tried to level her breathing, and when she peered up again, she saw Jax standing in front of her. When she didn't get up, he got down on one knee to get eye level with her.

"If you need something, just let me know. You don't have to ask, Jen. It's not charity. It's my responsibility now."

"It's your responsibility to take care of your kid, not me." She huffed out, biting her lip and refusing to make eye contact with him. Right now, she was on the verge of tears just thinking of all the money she had already lost, and how much more she was going to lose, and she wanted to cry from anger at how helpless she felt. Helplessness was one emotion she did her best not to partake in. Nothing made her happier than a full bank account, and money was the only thing that stood between her and chaos. It was the only thing she could count on undeniably. She wasn't likely to be inclined to let someone else control her cash flow.

"Yeah, that's true. But a happy, relaxed mama means a happy baby. So, I'll keep you both well up." He smirked as she saw the corner of Jennifer's mouth turn up into a small smile that she was battling so she could continue to glare at him. "For now…" He added venomously, playing around with her like he knew she liked. He had grown accustomed to her, and he knew what made her laugh.

Jennifer pushed him away light-heartedly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "Why do you always have to ruin it when you say something nice by being such a complete shit-head immediately afterwards?" She asked him in annoyed voice laced with amusement.

"You like it." Jax teased her as he moved up on her, kissing her neck. Truth be told, she would rather be here getting frisky with Jax than on cam pleasing nameless, faceless strangers. And while she was content in the knowledge that she had what she wanted, at least for now, the idea that he was becoming increasingly important to her scared her to death. Whenever she let someone in, shit always went sideways. She knew without a doubt that a man like him was not an exception to the rule.

She stood up, pulling him up with her by the collar of his kutte, and kissed him feverishly. Jax responded languidly, not working himself up too much with her affections. That wasn't enough for her, and she pushed up against him more, unbuckling his belt and slipping her hand inside his jeans to grip the object of her attention.

When Jax growled in response, she smirked against his lips. "You still want to fuck me, don't you?"

"Still?" He asked, preoccupied with trying to get her shirt off her.

"Even though I'm pregnant."

Jax's eyebrows raised at her remark. "I always want to fuck you, Jen. And I like you, pregnant. Pregnant for me."

Jennifer melted into the smooth, sensual sound of his voice, feeling herself get wet at his possessiveness. Jax's hand slipped into her underwear, rubbing her pussy unhurriedly, taking his sweet time before pushing two of his fingers inside of her tight cunt.

"This is all mine." He said into her ear, kissing her neck as he stroked her. "You understand me?"

"Mmmm" was all she could manage as she succumbed to his ministrations. Suddenly Jax's hand stilled, and she looked up at him with indignation and neediness.

"Say it." He commanded.

"It's all yours." She answered obediently, keeping eye contact with him. She was not saying it out of need or want, but out of pride and determination. If he wanted her so bad, she would be glad to see if he was up for the task.

Jax smiled like a predator as he pushed her back onto the bed, climbing on top of her. "Good girl."

SOASOASOASOASOA

Jax and her had fallen into a steady routine over the last month and a half. He spent a great deal of time with her and around her house, and they had decided collectively that they needed to introduce him to Erin and Michael as her boyfriend, so they could get to know him before they dropped the knowledge on them that they were expecting a child together. She was worried about it, as her kids had never seen her with anyone except for Jeremy and she wanted them to feel safe and secure in the situation.

Erin regarded Jax with a reserved indifference, and she was glad that Jax had been respectful of the distance and allowed Erin to come around to the idea of him on her own time, not that she expected him to come out swinging like he was the new man around the house. Neither of them had ever navigated a situation like this, and Jax seemed to be handling it better than Jennifer was. She was always on alert whenever all four of them were together, like she was expecting for something to go horribly wrong, and she seemed to be confused about what boundaries were the correct or appropriate ones. She felt like she was constantly biting her tongue around Jax, as she didn't want Erin and Michael exposed to their incessant bickering. Jax noticed the change in her demeanor, and constantly jeered at her when they were alone at how being knocked up made her submissive and pliable, earning him well aimed punches to the arm and pointed glares.

Michael had come around to Jax quickly. He seemed to latch onto any sort of male figure in his life, and Jen felt a mixture of confusion and sadness knowing that it was because he had never had a strong and steady father figure in his life, at least not that he could truly remember. Jax took it with grace though, treating Michael like he was his little buddy, and never acting too busy to entertain Michael's crazy ideas and notions whenever he sought him out. Once, on the weekend, Jax had stopped by for breakfast and when he had to leave for work, Michael begged them both to let him go with. He wanted to learn how to fix cars and motorcycles just like Jax. Jennifer had looked at him with an alert stare, hoping to god that Jax really was working at Teller-Morrow and that he wouldn't mind having a kid around. He had laughed her off and told Michael to get his shoes on. It still all seemed to good to be true. Things had been on such an even keel. She hadn't heard from Jeremy or anyone that she had expected to hear from, and her kids and Jax were getting along, at least, as much as she could hope they would. She tried not to think about how her family was going to react, or the fact that Jax was set to serve some real time soon. She couldn't think about all that right now. She was barely keeping her head above water with the issues in front of her.

So, when the other shoe dropped, and Gemma finally came calling, she wasn't surprised. She was running book at Cara Cara, a job Jax had so graciously given back to her full-time so she could make more money. When Gemma strolled through the office door with purpose, Jennifer leaned back in her chair with a resigned sigh. She could tell by her body language and the look on her face that Gemma was making a concentrated effort to be nice to her, and had Jen been less exhausted and less hormonal, she probably would have made the same effort.

"Gemma…" She started, not trying at all the keep the unamused tone out of her voice.

"Thought I would come say hi. See how my grandson is doing." Her voice was sickeningly sweet, and Jennifer didn't know what all she had do to earn her wrath, but it didn't really matter at this point.

"Granddaughter." Jennifer corrected. "We found out a couple of weeks ago."

Gemma looked hurt, and she could only glean that Jax had not offered up the information to her yet. Everything about the pregnancy had been so slow moving. She felt like at this rate most of her own family wouldn't even know until she gave birth.

Gemma made a show of smiling at the news, like she was happy about it, but Jennifer had a sneaking suspicion she was somewhat disillusioned.

"You and Jax, how are you guys doing? With everything?"

Jennifer shrugged "As good as we can be, I guess. He's stepping up."

Jennifer and Gemma looked at each other awkwardly for a timeless time, before Jennifer finally let out a chuckle.

"Why is this so fucking weird?"

Gemma sighed, settling down into the couch across from the desk. "Because it's unexpected. Honestly, after the last conversation I heard between you and Jax, I'm a little concerned about the idea of you bringing a kid into the world. You guys fight, a lot."

"And?" Jennifer asked irritably. She wasn't about to be talked down a notch by someone who hooked up with felons and gun-runners, just like her. She could only assume she had heard the fight between them at the Clubhouse after Jax had found out about her rape, a scene she fervently wished she could forget. Gemma wasn't any better than her. And if she was trying to paint some picture of civility in child-rearing, Jennifer was not here for it.

Gemma looked at her like she was about to snap back with something vicious, but she stopped herself. "I know Jax, better than anybody. He cares about you. You guys need to stop dancing around each other. If you're going to be in, go all in. He can take care of you, Jennifer. The Club can. He's willing to give that to you. That's more than I can say for anyone else he's ever been with." Gemma got up from her seat, walking over to Jennifer and laying a hand on her stomach. "There's no getting away from it now. And I expect to see this little one a lot. If you and Jax are planning to make this work, I'd like to meet your kids as well. We all need to get on track."

Jennifer stilled at her words in an attempt to take them all in. She appreciated what Gemma was saying and respected her extending the olive branch. The idea of blending their families was one she looked forward to, since they really had no other viable choice if Jax wanted to be as involved as he was acting like he wanted to be. The problem was, she couldn't help but feel like it was all a pipe dream. At the end of the day, she was the daughter of an Aryan, and her and the kids were so wrapped up in that side of her life the idea of unraveling or merging those ties seemed like an impossibility. She didn't want to raise her kids hating half of who they were. She wanted them to know and understand both sides; to know their grandfathers and uncles and love them just as much as she did. She just didn't know how it would ever happen, and she felt the familiar feeling of being pulled in every direction anytime she dwelled on the thought.

"I want that, too." Jennifer replied lamely, wishing to everything at that moment that she could just have a different life.

SOASOASOASOA

Jennifer watched Michael as he swung around on the monkey bars eagerly, while Erin called to him from the top of the playground equipment, beckoning him to come up and enjoy some imaginary game she had conjured up. Jen smiled brightly; nothing could make her feel more at ease than watching her children play. They were so pure and so free and so wild, and she felt like all was right in the world as long as they were at ease.

She jumped slightly and nearly swung on someone as she felt two hands circle around her waist, but she relaxed instantly as soon as she felt the familiar brush of leather against her arms, and the sweet smell of smoke and another smell that was distinctively Jax, something she hadn't pinpointed yet.

"You trying to get shot in broad daylight?" She asked, her tone annoyed even though she relaxed into his touch with a keening sense of happiness.

"You're not carrying." He remarked, running his hands down her sides, and he was right, in the long summer dress she wore. She didn't make it a habit to carry all the time, but maybe she should.

"Well, I've got a switchblade in my purse. I could've at least maimed you a bit."

"And yet here I stand." He chuckled, kissing her on the cheek before he moved around in front of her, lighting a cigarette after taking a few decent steps away from her.

"JAX!" Michael yelled as he jumped from the playground equipment, barreling towards him at breakneck speed and crashing into his legs.

"Hey little man." Jax scooped him up, tickling him and causing him to run away in glee back to the playground, the temporary distraction gone before it even started.

"So, how's life?" She asked, pushing her sunglasses up onto her head as she peered up at him.

Jax shrugged, giving nothing away, something she had become used to. In all the time she had known him, he had never uttered a word to her about Club business and expecting a child with him had not changed that a bit.

"I need to talk to you about something." He said seriously, throwing his cigarette away from him with aplomb as he moved closer to her. "I need you to move to Charming."

Jennifer stared at him for a moment with a blank look, waiting for the punch line. When it became obvious that he wasn't joking, she laughed so loudly Erin looked over from the swings.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?"

She could see Jax growing angry, and she tried to tone it down and stop laughing before they ended up in an all-out argument.

"It's not safe for you to live in Lodi now… With the way things are. Soon it'll all be common knowledge. You need to stay somewhere where you and our little girl are protected."

She softened at his words, but she was still not even close to convinced.

"I've lived in Lodi my whole life, the kids go to school there. I own my house, Jax. I'm not just going to give that up. And before we make any big moves, I need to know what the fuck is going on with you. You're about to do hard time, like a million fucking years. What does it matter where I live if you're not even around?"

Jax looked away from her pointedly. "We're not going to be in for that long, so quit worrying about that."

Jen stilled at his words, eyeing him warily. "How do you know that?" She asked suspiciously.

Jax stalked over towards her, pulling her into a long kiss. "Quit worrying." He commanded, leaving no room for question. Jennifer stared as he walked away. Something was not right, and she didn't like it one fucking bit.

SOASOASOASOASOASOA

Jax looked around the empty house unenthusiastically as Jennifer buzzed around, a small smile on her face and determination in her eyes that would be enough to scare any man. Whenever she set her sights on something she wanted, she tended to lock her jaw on it quickly and viciously.

"So, what do you think?" She asked him, making her way back towards the front of the house.

"It's old as fuck." He murmured discontentedly. "I thought since I was footing the bill you might take the chance to upgrade."

"It has CHARACTER." She argued. "And I like it, so that's all that matters. You want me to move to Charming or not?" The house was old, a 1930's bungalow style house that had been added onto at some point to make it into a 4 bedroom 2 bathroom. She loved it even with all it's quirks, and she wasn't about to let Jax ruin her good mood. She hated new builds. Sure, they were big and clean and glamorous, but she felt more at home in older houses, houses who had the mark of a life lived in them. It wasn't some historically preserved masterpiece, but it had a million little things about it that she adored, and a surprisingly big backyard. The only thing really new about the place was a garage that had been built on the property about 10 years ago.

"They're not even selling it. I don't want to waste my money renting."

"So, make them an offer they can't refuse. Aren't you supposed to be good at that?"

"So, you want me to make an offer well over what they would be able to ask for it? Then I'm still losing money."

"Quit worrying." She replied, mocking the signature line he tended to use on her lately. When Jax didn't budge, she sighed as she moved her way over to him, putting her arms around his neck and sweetening up her voice. "It'll make me happy, Jax. Wasn't that the goal these days, since I'm pregnant and all?"

Jax smirked. "You're good, but not that good. Keep trying."

Jennifer scowled, dropping her façade of nicety. "Well if you think I'll suck your dick just to get the house, I won't. I'll just stay put in Lodi where I'm already comfortable."

Jax laughed. "I'll get the head anyways, and you're coming here whether you like it or not. We both know that." His voice was deceptively smooth, for all the possessive, dark meaning his words held.

Jennifer pouted and Jax grinned against her lips as he kissed her lightly when his phone rang. The words exchanged were short and he hung up abruptly.

"I gotta go. Get the house. As long as you and the kids are happy here, I guess I don't give a shit one way or another."

SOASOASOASOA

A week later, Jennifer woke with a start as her phone rang angrily from it's place on her vanity in her bedroom. It was 2 AM, and being pregnant, she especially didn't like being woken up at such an ungodly hour, even if her heart did sink knowing something was undoubtedly wrong. When she saw Gemma's name flashing across her phone, she answered quickly, fumbling with her phone in her sleepy state.

"Yeah?"

"Jax is in jail."

Jennifer rubbed her eyes as though she was trying to wake herself from a bad dream. "Why? Did he violate his parole?"

"I guess you could say that." Gemma scoffed, with no trace of humor in her voice.

"Jesus Christ, can you just tell me what happened?" Jennifer snapped, too tired to keep the agitation out of her voice.

"He's in county jail in Stockton for assault. On your ex-husband."

Jennifer was still for a timeless time, the only sound the tired, harsh rasp of her breathing. "Can you come sit at the house with the kids, so I can go pick him up?" The easier alternative would have been for Gemma to bail him out, but she figured she was calling her for a reason. And Jen needed to see him.

"Yeah, sure." Gemma replied in annoyance, ending the phone call before Jennifer could say anything else. She flipped her light on, glaring at the at the harsh glow of it, as she fumbled to pull her hair up into a bun on top of her head and struggled to put a bra on. She could kill Jax for making her put a bar on at 2 AM alone. She threw on a tank top and jeans, and because she was not trying to be fashionable, she grabbed the hoodie laying on the chair in her room, which just so happened to be Jax's and boldly emblazoned with the Samcro logo.

She was just hopping out of the hallway putting her sandals on when Gemma walked through the front door.

"Don't you keep this shit locked?" Gemma asked judgmentally, and Jen couldn't help but wonder what the fuck it was with these people. They always had something to fucking say about everything. For a group with so much swaggering and boasting, she thought it was funny that they were scared enough to lock their doors. A locked door never kept anyone out.

"I'll be right back. Thanks for watching them."

"You look like shit." Gemma remarked casually over her shoulder as Jen flew by on her way out the door. Jen thought it was eerie than Gemma still had a full face of makeup and was dressed as though it were practically a regular day, absent her stiletto heels.

"Thanks, Grandma."

By the time she got into Stockton, she had perked up barely, and she could only infer that they had been picked up in Stockton because Jeremy had been fighting there. She still hadn't worked out why Jax had confronted him, but she was interested to know the whole story. Interested. Her life was so fucked up these days, all she could do was look at it with an impersonal fascination sometimes.

"I'm here to bail someone out." She told the young, black woman at the counter once she got inside. She looked just a fed up as Jennifer felt and she hoped she wouldn't give her a hard time.

"You using a bail bondsman?"

"No, do you take card?" Jennifer slammed her purse down on the counter, pulling out the card Jax had given her a few weeks ago. Since they had decided to move in together and he had effectively ended her main source of income, he had opened up a joint account with her that he transferred money into on a regular basis. She didn't know what the balance was, as she had never bothered to check, but she hoped it would go through for his sake.

Jennifer watched impatiently as the girl took her sweet time running everything in her system, and she was slightly surprised when she didn't tell her the card had declined. She handed her over some paperwork to sign to bail him out, which Jen signed without any thought. She couldn't even count how many people she had bailed out over her lifetime, and she hardly ever considered the ramifications of it.

After a moment, a young man came back and beckoned her to the holding cells, where she tried to keep up her pace with him although he was walking obnoxiously fast and she was slower than molasses these days. When she finally made her way back, she was struck by the scene in front of her. Jax sat in one small cell, looking down at his hands, his kutte still on his back. Jennifer noted that his face wasn't beat up at all, although his hands were red and bloody still. Two cells over stood her estranged husband, who was pacing his room like a caged animal, and she could tell he had taken a beating. Jennifer had seen him beat up plenty of times from his time in the ring, but she had never once seen him lose a personal fight. It was depressing how completely he had fallen from grace chasing his high. She wanted to feel bad for him, but she couldn't. Right now, all she wanted to do was get Jax home and pray to whatever God was left that still listened to her bullshit that this assault charge didn't revoke his bail from the gun charges.

Jeremy locked eyes with her, and she felt fearful. She hated how he still had the ability to shake up her world and turn her emotions inside out. As the cop let Jax out of his cell, he strode towards her purposefully, not missing the look on her face as she stared back at the man he had just beat the living shit out of. He despised the fact that Jen, the strongest girl he knew, was still scared of some waste of fucking life like Jeremy Connelly. Jax put his arm around her, leading her down the hall back out to freedom, but not before turning his head to stare him down. He had won. And even if he hadn't, he would never back down. Jax was looking forward to pushing him out of the picture completely, and if he had his way, he'd gladly stamp him out of existence for good.


	13. The Art Of War

There were a lot of good things about life with Jax, a lot of things that hadn't escaped her notice. First and foremost, he made her laugh. Even when she was mad, somehow, he found the right remark to make her smile against her will, her resolve to be angry flying out the window, at least for the moment, although she was expert at holding a grudge. He had some magical boyish charm that still stuck with him even now, although most men seemed to lose it after high school. And if he wasn't regaling her with his wit and charm, he had a silent, ominous manner in getting his way. Jennifer recognized it because it was something she too possessed, although it wasn't something she openly admitted or dwelled on. The harsher things about her personality were usually pushed to the back of her mind, as she constantly lived in the moment, justifying her actions as a means to an end and moving away from any introspection quickly. Because she could recognize it on an elemental level, she respected it, and she followed his orders when he was serious enough to dole them out because he was dominant enough to subdue her, something almost no one else in the world had accomplished that had crossed her path.

Pregnancy was taking its toll in her, now in her final month, and she found herself sleeping the afternoons away often when Erin and Michael were in school, and she had cut back her workload with bookkeeping dramatically to accommodate how dead tired she felt. Despite moving to Charming, she had pulled some strings and managed to keep them in the school they had always gone to in Lodi. It meant earlier mornings and a lot more time spent in the car getting them too and from, and on days when her work schedule kept her tied up, she had found an unlikely ally in Gemma, who didn't mind picking up her slack on the transportation. Erin and Michael were coming around to Gemma gradually, at least Erin was. Michael seemed to accept her straight off the bat with the same lack of introspection that Jennifer possessed, something she could only attribute to his young age. Sometimes she wondered if it were all that, or if Michael just simply fit in with their new crowd. He seemed so much like them, and in any case, she was just happy that he was content.

Erin, on the other hand, was keeping Jax and everyone else at arm's length still. Jennifer couldn't blame her for it and even admired her for it. Erin was strong, and she had her own mind, something that would carry her far in the world as she navigated adulthood. She did hope that sometime soon Erin might find Jax worthy of her trust. He was taking care of them, after all, even if those things didn't cross her mind as a child had no business worrying about finances. Jax had done nothing to earn the children's hatred or mistrust, in fact, even Jennifer was proud of the way he had conducted himself as some strange surrogate stepfather, a role she was sure he had never imagined himself in. He was calm, easygoing, attentive, and whenever Erin ignored him or threw some petulant comment his way, it seemed to roll off his back easily. She wondered if it was because his own father had died when he was younger, and he had navigated the child/stepfather dynamic himself. Perhaps he understood Erin even better than she did.

But, Jax wasn't their stepfather. Jennifer didn't know what he was, to her, or to them. They weren't married. They had never even actually talked about being together. She never asked Jax prying questions, dissuading him of the notion that she cared whether he was faithful to her physically. Honestly, she didn't want to know. It was immaterial to her whether he slept with just her or twenty others. If he paid the bills and didn't throw his transgressions in her face, and as long as he kept up his role, she was content to keep her mouth shut. She had to demand at least a modicum of respect if she were to be in his life, which meant sometimes being around the Club or down at Teller-Morrow. She was surprised at how effective beating the shit out of Jax's sidepiece had been. It seemed like a lifetime ago now, and it had been quite a long time. However, anytime she was on the lot, all the scantily clad girls gave her a wide berth and never made eye contact with her. She supposed some of it was simply since she was pregnant with Jax's child, something that had become common knowledge around there. They didn't dare risk Jax's wrath by lashing out at her. She assumed that once she was no longer pregnant she may have to scrap a time or two more to keep them all in line. She didn't mind. She was never hard-pressed to lash out physically, and she loved nothing more than to prove who was dominant in any situation she encountered. And she hated to lose. And she didn't care if Jax was sleeping with any of them on the sly, she was the one he came home to at night, they would never be on her level.

And Jax often made it home at night. Sometimes she wanted to laugh at how domestic it all was. They ate dinner together every night, Jax hanging around languidly drinking beers in the kitchen while Jennifer helped the kids with their homework. Sometimes he would spend his night in the garage tinkering with an old bike he was restoring, and on those nights, Michael stayed in there with him, and the only time Jennifer would see him was when he would run into the house to grab another beer for Jax, sprinting out the back door again before she could even say a word to him. Jennifer had never asked Jax to keep up such a pretense of normality, as she still felt their situation was anything but normal, and she wondered what she had done to deserve such polite treatment from him. Despite his roguish nature, he seemed to sense that the children at hand needed stability, and he was providing it without a word.

Jennifer stirred slightly as she started to wake from the nap she had taken on the living room couch earlier, only, she wasn't alone. She never slept so deeply as when she was pregnant. She barely even dreamed, her slumber was so deep, she often felt like she was dead to the world when she indulged in an afternoon nap. She had laid down alone, but as she opened her eyes, she found Jax laying next to her. Somehow, he had positioned himself so that her head was resting on his shoulder, her large bump nestled up against him, his hand splayed on it protectively. His gun rested on the coffee table, the house eerily silent. He must have had a long day. Sometimes he disappeared for days on end, and when he came home, he would sleep for 12 hours straight. She only could assume he was gun-running, and even though it made her nauseous to think of him doing it while he was out on bail for his pending gun charges, she said nothing of it to him.

It was easy to see him in a different light when he was sleeping. He looked so childish and serene, the man she knew, the arrogant, indolent, aggressive man she had come to expect was all but a ghost. He seemed young again, the way he must have been before life and time had changed him. She blinked the sleepiness out of her eyes and stared at him for a while, relishing in the time that passed between them without fighting, arguing, or trying to dominate each other. It seemed like they were always at odds, or even when they weren't, they were so distant as to leave no room for any type of companionship. She marveled out how little she knew the man she was living her life with, about to have a child with. Their issues at communicating, or lack of communication, seemed unnatural and unhealthy. Sometimes she wished for the days back before she had become pregnant or anything else had happened, back when Jax had been a friend to her, someone she could confide in with no fear of judgement.

Yet still, she felt content and safe in his arms. More than she had ever felt in a lifetime. Even with Jeremy, before he had become a junkie, they had been more of a match of equals. Although Jeremy was always more physically powerful than her, she felt they were on par mentally, and that she might even be smarter than him in most ways. With Jax, it was different. She could feel his superiority, physically and mentally, and it felt odd to be so relaxed that she didn't worry about herself or her kids or what was to come. It made her weary and scared, scared of the way he made her feel. If she had been more introspective, she might have noticed the way her heart jumped each time she saw him, even if she saw him every day. She might have been mindful enough to realize that she was coming to love him deeply, if she hadn't already started. But she was neither of those things, and simply attributed her feelings to nerves. After all, she had plenty in her life to be stressed about these days. And the constant interruption of daily life and them getting their backs up fighting with each other seemed to dim all of that into the background.

"Jax" Jennifer whispered. When he didn't stir, she whispered his name again and placed a tentative kiss on his lips, pushing his hair out of his face. When he still didn't stir, she lost her patience for the moment and pinched him on his side. Jax flinched and groaned, opening one eye to glare at her.

"Jesus Christ woman, I'm trying to sleep." He said, exhaustion and frustration evident in his voice.

"I need to get up and go grab the kids from school, and I don't think I can get my ass off this couch without a little help. So, get up and help me." Jax rubbed his eyes for a moment before standing up, grabbing Jennifer's hands and helping her off the couch. She looked so labored and exhausted these days, and he rubbed the small of her back absentmindedly once she got up.

"You feeling okay, darlin?"

"I'm fine, Jax. It's just pregnancy. This shit sucks the life out of you."

"Better you than me." He retorted with a grin on his face as he grabbed his gun off the coffee table, re-holstering it beneath his kutte.

"Suppose that's true. You're worth more unencumbered." She agreed nonchalantly as she walked back towards their bedroom to freshen up before she left. Jax followed her, leaning in the doorway, and she looked towards him, silently willing him to say whatever it was that was on his mind. She could always tell when he was gearing up to talk about something, and now was no exception.

"We still haven't talked about… Me getting arrested."

Jennifer snapped her makeup shut with more force than was strictly necessary and looked at herself in the mirror as she preened her hair and makeup. She had intentionally avoided the topic, as she didn't really want to know the details of why Jax and Jeremy had been fighting, and she also was still pissed about it and was afraid of the way that she might blow up if he said something wrong when they broached the topic.

"That's because I don't want to talk about it."

"Since when do you back down from a fight?" Jax asked accusatorily, and it was all she needed to unleash on him.

"Since now. I can't keep up with your shit, Jax. Why do you always have to stir shit up with my family? Don't you see how hard this all is for me? I haven't talked to my parents in months, and I don't even know what to say to them."

She realized she had said something offensive when Jax got that dangerous glint in his eye. "That prick is not your family."

She could feel herself heating up. She knew there was no way Jax would understand her feelings towards Jeremy, and she struggled to find any way to explain it.

"You're right, he's not. But you don't understand how it is. When you have kids with someone, you have to treat them with some level of respect. How would you feel towards me, if we aren't together in the future? Would you try to cut me out? You don't understand it." She admonished again, dismissing him with a glare. "You wouldn't get it."

"Oh, I understand plenty." Jax bit back, pushing himself bodily off his relaxed stance in the doorway and stalking over towards her. "But you're having my kid. And my kid is now going to be grouped in with your kids, because they all share the same mother. And I don't want the piece of shit anywhere near her."

"So, what? You're going to kill him? Jesus, Jax, I would never bring our daughter around him."

Jax shrugged. "I never know what to expect from you where he's concerned. For someone so strong and ruthless, you seem to be incredibly blind when it comes to him."

His words hurt because they were true, and Jennifer could feel her anger rising to a point that there would be no coming back from. She had always been weak where Jeremy was concerned. She didn't know why, if it was some lingering attachment from a childhood spent together, a lifetime as lovers, she didn't know. But he always seemed to get away with murder with her.

"You know what Jax? That side of my life, where I came from, its OFF limits to you. I suggest you quit bringing it up and step back on it. It's not going to end well for anyone." She knew Jax could never understand how desolate and confusing it was to exile yourself from your family to be with someone. He had never had to make that choice. And the more he pushed the issue, the less he seemed to empathize with her, effectively pushing them farther apart from each other and ensconcing them in an emotional distance that seemed impenetrable.

Jennifer pushed past him and walked out of the house, slamming the door on her way out.

SOASOASOASOA

Things had been tense between her and Jax since their most recent fight, but things had been tense anyways. Since she had come to live with him he seemed secretive and bothered, and she hadn't done enough digging to figure out what, not trusting her instincts that something was off. She was confused that maybe he was like this, and now because she was around him more, and it was something that had simply escaped her notice beforehand. In any case, he hadn't been home for almost three days and she hadn't heard a word from him or Gemma or anyone else. She had too much pride to try and call or text him herself, although she was annoyed that he should so blatantly abandon her this late in her pregnancy when the baby might come at any time. She was going to give him a piece of her mind as soon as he had the gall to show his face around the house again. She was starting to become worried about him and she hated that he could put her into such a state.

Erin and Michael had been home from school for a few hours and were in their rooms doing their own thing while Jennifer finished up the dishes from dinner. If they had noticed Jax's absence, they hadn't commented on it, which she was thankful for since she had no answers for them and it would have broken her heart a little to have to lie her way out of the question. Drying her hands, she set to start unboxing some of the things in the nursery. She hadn't kept Michael and Erin's baby things since she hadn't intended to have anymore children, so her and Jax had been slowly filling the room with all the things their daughter would need. She still needed Jax to put together the furniture, but at the rate things were going lately, she thought she might just do it herself. She hated to wait on anyone to get a job done. She was pulling tags off the stack of new baby clothes in the corner, getting them ready to put in the wash when she heard the front door open. She didn't think twice about it, glaring and smarting to herself that Jax had finally decided to turn back up. She was so unconcerned about it she had her back to the nursery room door when she heard someone walk in.

"High time you showed up." She remarked rudely, finishing the last of the clothes before turning around. Her breath caught in her throat and she felt her blood rush hot and vicious through her veins as her adrenaline shot through the roof.

Jeremy stood in the doorway to the nursery, his eyes lucid and his stance predatorial. She had seen him this way a million times before, cloaked in a black sweatshirt, his skin glistening with a sheen of sweat from his drug use. She could hardly find her voice she was so appalled that he was in front of her, in her house, the house that she shared with Jax. How did he get in? Had she locked the door when they got home? She was so forgetful these days, she didn't know.

They stared at each other for a timeless time as Jennifer stood in place rigidly, her hand instinctively going to her stomach in some ineffective ploy of safety. Jeremy waltzed into the room, looking around at everything with a glare of distaste and disbelief in his eyes. She knew that he had not dealt with the knowledge of her pregnancy well, but now, she saw the full effect of it. He looks disillusioned and unhinged.

Finally, she found her voice again. There was no point in asking him why he was here, because there was no plausible answer that he could give. There was no denying that there was something inherently brutal and dark about his intentions. Nothing good could come of it.

"Jax will kill you for being here. Please, Jeremy, just leave." Her eyes darted frantically to the hallway, the knowledge that her kids were just in the other room heightening her to a point of anxiousness that bordered on hysteria. She had talked Jeremy down plenty of times, and she had also been the recipient of more than a few beatings from him as well. She didn't know which way this would go, he was so unpredictable when he was using.

"Just had to see it for myself." He remarked passive aggressively, running his fingers over the things in the room like he was in some strange museum, a monument to his failures. Jennifer didn't know what else to say. How was she going to get him out of her house without the kids knowing? He was determined to stir shit up tonight, and she didn't think it likely that she would be able to dissuade him. Her mind started racing and she realized that her phone was on the counter in the kitchen being charged, her gun was locked away in her bedroom. There was nothing that was going to save her unless she broke the moment by dashing out of the bedroom. The precipice of the moment seemed so sensitive, she was afraid to move. And she knew that if Jeremy wanted to stop her, he could. He was so much stronger than her, unnaturally so. She had no options.

"How could you do this to me, Jen?" He asked, and although there was sadness in his voice, it was laced with such a venomous hatred she knew that there was no way to answer his question. He looked at her as he drew closer to her, and fear gripped at her from the look in his eyes. She knew he was going to hit her, and she knew if she screamed, the only people who would hear would be her children. She couldn't let that happen. There was nothing left, no other hand to play. He moved up to her quickly, pushing her against the wall and she closed her eyes and turned her head, anticipating the blow as he backhanded her. She could taste the blood in her mouth and she was dazed as she looked back up at him, at how vacant and soulless his eyes were. She could take a few hits in silence if she needed to, even if she felt sick that she was being beaten while her baby was in her stomach. Jeremy barely returned her stare and suddenly his hands were around her neck, nearly lifting her off the ground with the force he was choking her. She grabbed at his hands ineffectively and he bashed her head back against the wall, and she felt her vision start to cloud and go black. He wanted to kill her. He was going to kill her.

The bang of her head against the wall had startled the children, and she saw Erin in the doorway, a look of panic in her eyes. Erin screamed, and Jeremy momentarily lost his concentration as he turned his head to look back at their daughter, a small moment of reprieve that Jennifer took, pushing him off her and running towards her daughter. She pushed Erin forward as she ran for the kitchen. She just needed to get to the kitchen. There were knives there, and her phone was there. "GO!" She screamed at her daughter, who was directly in front of her as she made her dash towards the only element of safety she had. Erin picked her pace up and ran towards the kitchen with Jennifer hot on her heels, but Jeremy was not far behind them. Before she even made it all the way into the kitchen, he stalked up behind them and told Erin to go to her room. Erin cried and sobbed, but Jennifer, backed into a corner, nodded at her.

"Listen to you father, baby. Everything will be alright. Please, go take care of your brother." Erin was not dumb, and she was so shaken up, all Jennifer wanted to do was rush to her and hold her. Where was Michael? She only hoped he was engrossed in something and hadn't paid attention to the noises beyond his bedroom, as quipped and frightening as they were. All Jennifer could think was that if Jeremy was going to beat her, if he was going to try to kill her, she didn't want her daughter to see. Any amount of pain she had to bear was preferable to that. She hated him, the distaste of his actions rising in her like bile in her throat. How could he do this around their children? And what of the baby growing inside of her? Did his hate really extend that deep, after all they had been through together? It wasn't the first time he had beat her with their children just a room away, nothing had changed about him. If anything, it had only gotten worse.

When Erin stood in the doorway, torn and confused about what to do, Jennifer snapped. "Erin, GO! Go to your room!" She hoped it wouldn't be the last thing she said to her daughter. Suddenly, her resolve made up, Erin turned from the room and ran back to Michael's bedroom, slamming the door.

As soon as Erin departed, Jennifer reached behind her to try to grab a knife off the block on the counter. It was the closest thing to her, the only reason she had let Jeremy back her into this corner of he kitchen. She felt the knife in her hand, but Jeremy was quicker, grabbing her wrist from behind. Jennifer elbowed him the in the face with her free arm, the only thing she could think to do. She knew if this was a battle of physical strength, there was no way she was going to win. He grabbed her by her arms roughly and turned her around.

"Get off of me!" She screamed, her voice sounding foreign and shrill to her own ears. She couldn't be quiet now with the chaos of what was happening around her. She was going to die, she was going to die tonight, and her baby would die too, and her children would find her. Fear gripped her like nothing she had ever felt in her life, and before she knew what was happening, Jeremy punched her, closed fist, unlike he had ever hit her before. She had been slapped and back-handed by him plenty, pushed and thrown around, but now, he was hitting her like a man. And he wasn't pulling his punches at all. She felt the wind rush out of her and she felt an innate and strange sense of shock and helplessness, disabling her to even fight back. He hit her again and she stumbled, and she knew if he hit her even once more she would be unconscious. And there was nothing she could do about it. She scrambled away from him, hitting her thigh on the edge of the dining room table roughly, which sent her tumbling forward. Jeremy grabbed her arm, pulling her back and foiling her attempt to flee, and he grabbed her by the hair roughly, winding it around his hand as her pulled her back into the kitchen and threw her on the ground.

Suddenly, she heard her door open for a second time that night, and relief barely registered through her when she saw Jax's face. Jax took the entire scene in quickly, and only seconds passed before Jax was on Jeremy with a look of bloodlust in his eyes.

She watched them fight with each other for a moment after scrambling out of their way, and she knew someone was going to die. She pushed herself up to a sitting position, willing herself to catch her breath so she could get back on her feet, but for the first time in her life she honestly felt like she was going to faint. Her eyes kept clouding and she struggled to shake it from her mind. She watched as Jax threw Jeremy through their sliding glass door that led to the backyard, and finally she was on her feet again, trying to keep up with the fight.

'Oh my god' she thought 'he's going to kill Jeremy. He's going to kill him in our backyard.' Suddenly, despite all the pain throughout her body and the dull ache in her lower back, she could only think of Erin and Michael. She couldn't stop Jax now. She was not even sure she wanted to in this moment. Jeremy deserved to die for what he had done, and Jax deserved that blood. But her children, she couldn't let them see this. She had to get them out. She raced towards Michael's room as quickly as she could, but the door opened before she made it all the way there, and her kids sprung towards her, clinging to her dress and sobbing. Jennifer started to cry too, and she choked her sobs back, she couldn't cry now. She wouldn't be able to stop if she started to cry now. She just had to get them out of the house. She ushered them towards the front door and Michael broke away from her, running towards the commotion in the backyard. She screamed his name as she ran after him, her voice broken and hysterical. Michael let out a wail as he saw what was happening, Jax and his father bloody in the backyard, engrossed in an act of physical violence the likes of which he had never seen before. Her children sobbed as she clung to her dress and she watched helplessly as she tried to drag them away.

She watched the violence in front of her as she pushed her children closer to her, trying to shield their eyes from the brutality in front of them that was no doubt going to end in someone dying. It hadn't occurred to her that Jeremy might kill Jax, he was such a formidable fighter, and Jax had just barely started to gain the upper-hand. She watched him as he pulled the knife from the sheath that hung on him at all times, she had never seen him without it. She screamed, it sounded inhuman, and when neither men stopped, she screamed again, Jax's name pouring from her mouth in a sound of complete desperation.

The spell seemed to have been broken, only for a moment, and Jax looked up at her. His face dropped as he saw Erin and Michael with her, and she saw an internal battle pass through his eyes as she silently willed him not to end Jeremy's life in front of the children.


	14. Help Me To Believe

She watched the struggle play out on Jax's face as he looked at Erin and Michael and back at her, landing another blow to Jeremy's face when he started to struggle against him. Jeremy was laid out on the ground and Jax was on top of him. Jennifer was barely biting back her tears as she listened to her children sob. Despite the fight that had just ensued between the two of them, Jax didn't look too banged up, and he seemed invigorated, albeit conflicted. After a timeless time, Jax's mask of murderous anger was back on him, and he looked at Jennifer in a way that made her want to flinch.

"Get the kids out of here." He demanded. Jennifer knew there was no room for bargaining or talking, and she hardly formed a coherent thought as she pulled Erin and Michael with her through the front door to her truck. They all got in without a word to one another, and they stayed silent as Jennifer backed out of the driveway and started to make her way through Charming. And, because she could think of nowhere else to go, and she was shaking and in so much pain still, she made the short drive to Gemma's house and knocked on the door. She didn't know what she looked like, but after the beating she'd taken and all the crying she'd done in her makeup, she was sure that she looked downright scary. Judging by Gemma's wide-eyed look when she opened the door, Jennifer could assume her assessment was not far off.

"What the hell happened?!" Gemma half-shouted as the filed into her kitchen. Jennifer wanted to cry, she was shaking so hard and she felt like she was about to collapse. She settled for leaning on the kitchen counter with a despondent look in her eyes before telling the kids to go play in the living room. They looked at her with poorly concealed anxiety in their eyes, and Jennifer felt like a massive failure, because she didn't have it in her to comfort them right now. She needed a moment to regroup and try to deal with the physical pain she was in. Gemma seemed to sense what was happening and quickly produced ice cream from her freezer and ushered the children into the living room before turning on cable and giving them the remote. When she came back, she cornered Jen in the kitchen with her arms crossed across her chest and willed her to talk with determined look in her eyes akin to that of a pitbull.

Jennifer rubbed underneath her eyes, trying ineffectively to calm her nerves and wipe the makeup away that had was undoubtedly there. She hated that she couldn't stop shaking, hated the fierce, brutal feeling in her chest of unshed tears.

"It was Jeremy." She said, keeping her voice down as she looked towards the living room. Even though the kids had seen most of what had happened, she still wanted to lessen their exposure to it even if it was futile. When Gemma looked at her with confusion and impatience in her eyes, Jennifer continued. "My ex-husband, their dad. He's not so happy about me moving on." Her voiced was laced with a bitter contempt.

"What the fuck kind of guy beats up a pregnant girl in front of her children?"

Jennifer shrugged angrily, it wasn't like she had answers for his behavior. "He's a junkie. He's using again and he's clearly not right in the head."

Gemma paced. "Does Jax know?"

"Jax walked in when Jeremy was beating me. I think he wanted to kill me, Gemma. I've never seen him like this before. I've been smacked around plenty, but he definitely wanted blood tonight."

"Jesus!" Gemma scream whispered, and Jennifer was slightly taken aback by Gemma's concern for the situation. There had been plenty of tension between them, but all in all, they had gotten along where it counted. Jen thought idly that her and Gemma might have been friends in a different lifetime. They were similar in all the ways that mattered. But rank, status, and the presence of Jax between them had negated them from forming any solid relationship of trust so far.

Gemma calmed as she stared at her. "What did Jax do?"

"I'm not sure. But he had his knife out when I left. He just told us to get out of there."

"Good." Gemma answered smugly and nonchalantly, pulling a bottle of wine from the rack on her counter and opening it to pour herself a glass.

"Good? How is this good?! He almost killed Jeremy in front of his kids. Fuck, I can't believe they saw all of that!" Jennifer blundered, weary of what had transpired and how out of control it had all been, a pit of nausea forming in her stomach at the thought that Jax might have killed Jeremy by now.

Gemma stilled as she looked towards the dining room, and Jennifer followed her gaze to see Erin standing in the shadows. She wondered how much of the conversation she had heard. Erin looked so unlike herself, her tears finally dried, she had some strange look of anger in her eyes that Jennifer had never seen on her young, innocent daughter before.

"Grandma's right. I hope Jax kills him." Erin shocked them all as she spoke, and Jennifer propelled herself off her relaxed stance on the counter, completely floored by what had just come out of her daughter's mouth.

"Erin!" She admonished, but she stopped short of what she was saying as a look of frustration and reckless anger overtook her daughter's features, who was trying so hard to stay strong, even though tears were forming in her eyes again.

"It's true! He's a piece of shit!" Erin yelled, and Jennifer looked down at the floor and shook her head. She didn't even know what to say. How could she fault her daughter for her feelings after what she had seen? Yet, still, it all felt so wrong to let Erin let such deep anger burn inside of her for the man she was supposed to love and feel safe with.

Jennifer stalked towards her. "That may be true, but you don't talk about your father that way, or any of your elders! Now go into the living room and look after your brother." Jennifer watched like a bystander on the outside of her daughter's life as Erin locked eyes with Gemma in a moment of solidarity and agreement before Erin turned on her heel and left the room again. Once again, she felt like a massive piece of shit as her daughter walked away. Instead of comforting her, she had scolded her, even though she had every right to feel the way she did. She glanced back at Gemma, who had a hard, knowing look in her eyes as she took a large gulp of wine.

"She's not wrong."

"It doesn't matter! She shouldn't feel that way about her father, it's not healthy!"

"She doesn't need him." Gemma replied emphatically. "She has Jax, and you."

Jennifer looked at Gemma with hatred in her eyes as she added her on the end of a loaded sentence like an afterthought. She couldn't deal with all the confusion around her.

"I need to lay down. I really don't feel well." She turned and walked down the hallway, making her way to Jax's old bedroom, which she knew from the few times she had been to Gemma's house. She thought it incredibly odd and sick that Gemma kept her son's room in tact like some strange shrine to him as if he had died, even though he was a grown ass man. She closed the door behind her and locked it, hoping she could lock away the rest of the world while she was at it. Rifling through his old dresser drawer she found a white Samcro t shirt and a pair of basketball shorts before unceremoniously stepping into the shower. She needed to wash away all the grime and sweat and blood from what had happened if she could ever hope to sleep tonight. And she needed to sleep. Idly, she was scared for the well-being of her baby, but she didn't want to go to the hospital. She laid her hand on her stomach while her daughter kicked jauntily around, and Jennifer was glad she was safe inside of her stomach rather than out in the world where she couldn't protect her. After her shower, she checked on Erin and Michael who were asleep on the couch, blankets draped over them. Her heart constricted in her chest at how helpless she felt to protect them from what was happening, what had happened. She couldn't think of it though. If she thought about it, she would drive herself into insanity and despair, and she needed to keep pushing through. Their life had become so tumultuous, she felt like she was about to be swept under the current of the rising tide at any moment. She thought back to before she had met Jax, when she had been a single mom, camming and taking care of her babies. It all seemed so peaceful now that she looked back on it, even though at the time she thought she had been dealing with the worst that life could throw at her. She had been so foolishly wrong.

SOASOASOASOASOA

When she woke again, she felt someone climbing into bed with her, and she knew immediately who it was by his energy alone, debasing her of the idea that it was Erin or Michael.

"The kids?" She murmured in her sleep induced state, pushing her half-dried hair away from her face, the half-formed curls framing her like a halo.

"They're asleep, darlin. Don't worry. Go back to bed." Jax sounded tired as he stripped off his kutte, his hoodie and his white air force ones following shortly after. But Jennifer couldn't go back to sleep. There was no way. He climbed into the bed next to her, smaller than they were used to, and he pulled her body close to him, his hand wrapping possessively around her stomach as it always did these days.

She turned around to face him, and he opened one eye to look at her. Sensing that there was no hope of her going quietly back to sleep, he sighed as he rubbed his eyes and rolled over onto his back. Neither of them said a word for a while, but finally Jax spoke.

"Are you okay?" He asked, his question seeming to hold a deeper meaning, making sure the baby was okay and she didn't need to go to the hospital.

"I'm fine." She answered sadly, and Jax turned to look at her again, as though for the first time, checking her face for damage. He scanned her over quickly, rudely lifting the covers and pulling her shirt up over her stomach to check for bruises. She batted him away ineffectively, annoyed at the shameless disturbance he always seemed to cause her.

She stared up at him with an annoyed look on her face, but against her better judgement, she pulled him against her tightly, enveloping him in an unexpected hug. Jax was rigid at first, but quickly relaxed into her embrace, running his thumb lightly over the back of her neck and reciprocating her affection twofold. Jennifer was always so independent of him, it was rare for her to ever initiate anything between the two of them, unless she was doing so in a teasing, self-serving manner. The way she felt in his arms now, though, was anything but that. Her affection was honest, and it tore at his heart and lit a fire of hope and determination in him.

He could feel her shaking in his arms, and his t shirt was growing wet where she was quietly crying into it. He wanted to just hold her, to make her feel safe as long as he could, even though he had done a pathetic job at protecting her since he had known her. Even now, her pregnant with his kid, he had failed her. He had been wary of her ex-husband, and he had warned her off him, but it hadn't been enough. And now he hated himself for merely beating the shit out of Jeremy when he had got arrested for it. He should have killed him then and there, but he had wavered in his resolve, not wanting to risk Jennifer's fury aimed in his direction. Jeremy had been half-conscious when he had found him that night, a needle hanging out of his arm in a car in a parking lot. He should have put his foot down with Jennifer, should have forbade her from consorting with him ever again in any capacity. Would that have prevented it? It didn't matter, the whole situation was out of control, and it had risked all that was important to him. Jennifer and the kids. Even though Erin and Michael were nowhere close to his, he had become affectionate and accustomed to them in a way that had earned his loyalty. But he could never tell Jennifer that. She wouldn't understand it, she would have only defended Jeremy and his place in their life, accused him of trying to push him out. And tonight, when Erin had called him and told him what was happening, he had never felt so shocked and sick in his life. He silently thanked God that he had the foresight to have given a prepaid phone to Erin with his number programmed in shortly after they had all moved in together, in case he ever needed her. It had been more of a move of solidarity to try to earn Erin's trust, but it had served a larger purpose now. He had always pegged Erin as a smart girl, he could see the same tenacity and steel resolve in her eyes that he saw in the eyes of his lover. All he could feel was a silent thankfulness when he thought about it.

Jennifer didn't want to speak, but she had to say the words. If she didn't get them out to Jax, the only person who she could let her guard down with, she felt that she might burst. "He wanted to kill me. He was going to kill me." Jax's heart broke slightly at the tone of her voice, full of something he rarely heard from her, confusion and fear. She didn't have to say it for him to decipher her meaning- she didn't understand how he could have wanted to do that to her. "I'm so glad you came home. What would have happened to me if you didn't come home?" Jennifer pulled herself up slightly now, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand and looking down at him.

"You know I'll always come running when you need me." He stroked her cheek lightly, running his thumb along her lips as she keened into his touch.

Jennifer nodded her head. "I know that." She murmured, a look of reverence in her eyes. The look in her eyes shifted as she stared at him, a look of curiosity and defiance. "You love me, don't you?" She asked with a morbid sense of curiosity, as though she had just now realized his obvious, transparent devotion to her. For all her posturing and strength, he could hardly believe how blind she could be.

And yet, still, he didn't want to utter those words to her. He didn't even want to say them out loud to himself. He loved Jennifer, didn't he? He knew he would die for her. He knew he craved her presence, her touch, her affection. He wanted to be around her even when she infuriated him to the point where he didn't know if he wanted to kiss her or kill her most times. Her chill was cutting, her anger was vicious. But he couldn't get enough, to the point where he had sacrificed his freedom and so much more in order to keep her in his life. It was her unrelenting independence that endeared her to him the most. He respected it, although the deeper, animalistic side of him wanted nothing more than the satisfaction of taming her and bending her to his will.

Jax looked up at her, his face a blank, impassive canvas that she was searching for something. When she didn't see it, her lips pursed, and her brows drew together in frustration, although she didn't move an inch from her place next to him. In fact, she seemed to move imperceptibly closer, hooking her leg over him and rubbing it lightly against him.

"Isn't it enough that you catch every man's eye you come across? You know you've always had my attention." Jax answered, smirking at her as she peered at him, a steely determination in her eyes.

"No." She huffed out angrily. "It's not enough." Suddenly she shifted so that he was on top of him. She always played into his hand so gracefully; there was nothing he loved more than instigating her until she was single-minded enough to throw herself bodily into whatever it was that she was trying to achieve without looking around herself to notice what she was doing. And maybe, he just didn't want to utter those heavy three little words until he was sure that she loved him, too. And he still wasn't convinced of that. Her devotion and preoccupation were still tied up in someone else, he felt it on an elemental level. Unfortunately, killing Jeremy wouldn't blight him out of existence in her mind. She had to let go of him all on her own time.

Jennifer moved her hips on him, and he felt his cock twitch in appreciation. She wasn't the same girl she had been before pregnancy, there was no doubt about that. And he would be lying if he said he didn't prefer the former. But pregnancy hadn't much tamed his passion for her. She was still just as delicious and enticing as she had always been, although he sorely wished she was less hormonal. Her mood swung like a pendulum even before she had the burden of being pregnant. She grabbed his hand, pulling it up to her mouth and sucking on his finger suggestively, as thought she wished it were something else. Jax groaned as he watched her perfect pink lips wrapped around him, her tongue dancing around sensually and all the promise it held. Jax groaned, flipping them over that so that she was below him, and if it hadn't been so dark, he would have been able to see the look of satisfaction in her eyes.

"Tell me." She purred as Jax stripped his shirt off, making quick work of it as he tried to pull her panties off next. She slapped his hands away though, clutching her thighs together at an ineffective ploy to keep him away. Jax growled at, grabbing her wrists and pushing her hands away, not appreciating the way she was trying to keep him away from what he wanted.

"I love you. And that pussy, I love that pussy." He said, smiling as she bucked up against him as though his words alone made her wet.

"You love me." She parroted back to him, pulling him down to kiss him again, something about his mouth on her invoked lust in her, which was something she coveted as it was foreign to her. Usually nothing short of the act of fucking could stir the heat and passion in her.

She looked up at him as his gaze grew darker, and she knew the time for toying with him was over. He was ready to take her, and he would do so without any reservations or niceties. Jax pushed into her slowly, grabbing her ass and grinding into her like it was his favorite place to be in the whole word. She moaned loudly and was half tempted to cover her mouth for fear of Gemma hearing them but thought better of it. Jax didn't like her quiet. He liked to hear what he did to her.

"Oh yes, please." She begged as he moved on top of her, all thoughts of what had happened to her earlier in the night gone from her mind like a distant memory. All that existed now was him and her, the way he worshipped her with his body. She could feel Jax's satisfaction at her words. He loved when she begged for him. It seemed to satiate some internal need in him for her want and approval, something she had never understood until now, the knowledge that he loved her dawning on her tonight like a revelation.

She felt a strange sense of loyalty to him now that everything had changed, some innate desire to please him. "I love you." She murmured breathlessly, grabbing his hand and intertwining their fingers together. "I love you so much." Jax stilled imperceptibly at her words, but not for long as he fucked her with more force and fervor than before.

When it was all over, and they finally settled in to sleep, Jennifer dozed off in the warm glow of him as he peppered kisses on her neck and face smoothly and slowly. They could barely disentangle from each other, their hands grabbing and stroking all over as they drifted off to sleep. If the thought of whether Jeremy was alive anymore troubled her, it didn't tonight. All she could acknowledge was that her world shifted and it would never be the same again.


	15. What A Wonderful World

**A/N: Thank you for all the reviews. You guys are the best, even if you are all very unbalanced individuals. Who knew Jax and Jen loved each other, and all it would take was a little domestic violence and capital murder for them to admit it? They aren't done putting each other through the gauntlet though. Please share your thoughts, good or bad. I'm a big girl and I can take it.**

Jen woke earlier than Jax for once, and she took a moment to gaze at him appreciatively before she made her way out of the bedroom. He was tempting in all his glory, but she had one thought on her mind that propelled her, so she slipped out of the bed and made her way towards the living room, hoping to find her children before the rest of the house sprung to life.

They were both still sleeping peacefully, the morning sun filtering in through Gemma's greenhouse and into the living room, illuminating their faces in an ethereal glow. She sat down next to Erin first, the one who she had the most making up to do with. It didn't matter to her that Erin was turning into a young woman, that she was too big for Jennifer to pick up. She scooped her up into her arms and cradled her to her chest as she leaned back into the couch. It was hard to digest how much her daughter had grown. In her mind, she would always be the small baby she had cared for from infancy; the rebellious, chubby baby who had always had a mind of her own. She was something altogether now, though. She was lean and pensive; dominant. She was everything Jennifer could ever had hoped for in a daughter, and her guilt at what had happened in the last 24 hours was screaming at her.

Slowly, Erin started to stir from her sleep, peering up at her mother with confusion. Jennifer looked down at her without a hint of shame, stroking her hair.

"Good morning, baby."

Erin rubbed her eyes, looking up at her still with a look on her face as though she was calm but still wondering why she was in her mother's arms. Jennifer brushed the hair back from her face, looking down on her with some innate sense of love that was reserved only for a mother and a child. When Erin said nothing, Jen continued.

"I'm so, so fucking sorry for what you saw yesterday." There were a lot of things that Jennifer tried to shield her kids from, but she didn't try to protect them from harsh realties of life. Cursing was one of those things. "You were so brave, Erin. I am so proud of you."

"You should thank Jax." Erin said, looking up at her mom as though willing her to understand something.

"I know. Thank goodness for Jax." She said, even if she wanted to roll her eyes. She didn't think she would ever get over her need to take him down a notch; he was so conceited she tried to make sure it didn't go to his head. He was great, and he knew it, worse luck.

"No, mom." Jen shook her head in frustration. "Jax came because I called him. Awhile ago he gave me a phone with his number in it in case I ever needed him."

"He did?" Jennifer was going to have to have a talk with him about that. Even though she felt something warm stir in her that Jax was looking out for her kids behind her back, she didn't really like the thought of her young daughter having access to phone that no one really seemed to know what she was doing with.

They sat in relative peace while Jennifer rubbed her back absentmindedly. Soon, she woke up Michael and asked them to put their shoes on so they could leave. She wanted to get away from the house before Jax woke up. Oddly, she didn't really want to face him after everything that had happened. She knew Jax had meant what he said, even if he had followed up his 'I love you' with something crude, which was just like him to do so. She knew he meant it, she could feel it in the way he touched her, and she could see it in his eyes. And she had said it back. And she had meant it, hadn't she? The idea of love was so far removed from her anymore. She had loved once, allowed herself to love with a loyal intensity. And after the way it had all gone down, she had let go of the idea, associating love with desperation, anger, and disappointment. The type of love she experienced had been brutal and painful, she didn't know how to accept that it could be anything beyond that. And she knew that Jeremy was dead now, and Jax had done it. She didn't blame him for it, but she could help feeling a sickness in the pit of her stomach whenever the thought crossed her mind. She wondered what Jeremy said, what he looked like before his life was taken. She had gotten by in life without love for a long time and she reckoned she didn't need to start getting caught up in the carelessness of it now, after how far she had come.

SOASOASOASOASOA

A week later, she was walking through the grocery store with Kozik strolling leisurely behind her as he flipped through the latest issue of Cosmo.

"Goddamn, they tell these bitches to do some freaky shit." He whistled. "I can't believe I never bothered to look at this shit before. They say to put an ice cube up your lady parts before you fuck to give your man a 'different experience.'"

Jennifer laughed. "Sounds like they've been consulting with Tig."

She was due in exactly one week and Jax had someone with her at all times. She found the whole thing greatly annoying, but Jax insisted since he was so busy with Club shit, he wanted to make sure she had someone to help her, so she could take it easy, and wanted someone around that he could trust to take her to the hospital if he didn't make it in time. He was being incredibly over protective, and she hoped it wasn't setting the tone for his way of parenting, because she found helicopter parenting distasteful. Although, judging by his over bearing mother, he probably didn't know any better. It was up to her to set him straight on that one.

She had gotten to know the men Jax called his brother's a little bit better since they had been on baby watch duty. Opie was the first guy Jax had sent. She knew from things he had told her that Opie was his best friend and that they had grown up together. Opie was as silent as death and she figured he either really didn't want to be there or he didn't like her. Tig, whom she had always liked, was more fun to be around than she thought was appropriate. His dark, dry humor never failed to make her laugh, and he seemed to like that she appreciated most of the jokes he made that would leave other girls blushing or disgusted. He had a million funny stories, too. He reminded her of Tully in a strange way, but more light-hearted and less foreboding. And at night, he was content on her couch watching tv with a bottle of Johnny Walker and a giant plate of whatever leftovers she had from dinner. He had actually been requesting to be on baby-watch duty at night, as he appreciated sleeping in a home with a hot meal that he could warmly and contently drink himself to sleep at once the day was over. Jax wasn't coming home much at all these days, which troubled her when she thought about it. She knew club business didn't last morning noon and night, and she knew he was sleeping in his old dorm a lot. But she tried not to dwell on it.

The only other people that had come to watch her and do her bidding were Kozik and Happy. Happy was quieter than Opie even, and he scared the shit out of her. She tried to avoid him and had even asked Jax not to send him anymore. Something wasn't right about him, she sensed his predatory nature and she didn't like someone around her that was more dominant than she was if she could help it. Kozik had become her favorite. She had scoffed at his goofy personality at first, but she had come to enjoy it. Kozik was the type of man who didn't take life or himself too seriously, and they got along great, so much that she didn't mind having him as her shadow. He didn't seem to mind either, and he was graciously helpful in a joking way. She had even told Jax she wanted Kozik or Tig only, which had earned her a serious glare from him. Leave it to Jax to think she was about to hop on some other man's dick when she was 9 months pregnant. Kozik and Tig hated each other, she could see it whenever they interacted, which intrigued her to no end, although neither of them would disclose the reason why. They seemed to be in a friendly competition about who Jennifer liked more, but she reasoned they were bound to tear each other apart over anything.

Jen was reaching up to try to grab something off a shelf above her head, something Kozik would have yelled at her for had he not been so engrossed in his magazine. Suddenly somebody walked up to her and it caught her off guard, making her knock the box of cereal off the shelf that she was trying to grab while her daughter simultaneously jumped in her stomach from the disruption. She was about to turn her wrath on whoever walked up so close to her, but when she saw who it was her eyes narrowed and her she immediately felt her whole body tense up.

"Jennifer." Stahl purred, her voice sickeningly sweet. "Long time no see."

"Yeah, I was kind of hoping to keep it that way." Jen replied, staring at Stahl and her men pointedly as they blocked the aisle. "You mind moving your ass? I'm trying to shop here."

Stahl smirked as she looked at Kozik, who had moved between the two women. "You look a lot different from the last time I saw you. Is it Jax's, or is it just a community baby? Planning a paternity reveal party?" Stahl stared pointedly at Kozik again, implying that Jen was no more than a pass-around.

"You really need to get dicked down sometime soon. Your obsession with my sex life is unsettling. Now, please tell me what the fuck you want or get out of my way."

"Well, I'm glad we ran into each other. I've been meaning to check up on you. I know how busy Jax has been lately." What the fuck did that mean? Something about the way she said it made the hair on the back of Jennifer's neck stand up, but she tucked it away to think about it later, when she had a chance.

"Make it a point NOT to run into me again." Jen walked forward, hitting her in the shoulder and June laughed, finally making way for her to get through, her goons soon following suit. They were almost down the aisle when she spoke again.

"You hear from your husband lately? I can still help you out, if you want to get rid of that problem." Kozik looked stunned but had the decency and the training to wipe the look off his face quickly.

"You know, oddly enough I haven't. It's common for him to go MIA though. It's dangerous being a junkie." Jennifer caressed the last words with a sinister note in her voice, relishing the look on Stahl's face. She even caught a glimmer of fear in her eyes. Good, she thought. The bitch should be afraid.

Kozik didn't say anything as the rounded the corner to the next aisle, and he looked completely uncomfortable as Jen continued to shop as though nothing had happened. "You wanna tell me what that was about?"

"How the fuck should I know?" Jen snapped, throwing food into the cart. "All I know is as soon as I pop this kid out, I'm gonna curb stomp that cunt."

SOASOASOA

The pressure of everything going on in his life was starting to wear him down. Juggling the plan of action the Club had devised to work with Stahl and cut a deal so they did short time was a balancing act more precarious than he had originally thought it would be. He had been the one to bring the idea to the table. Stahl wanted inroads to the IRA, but she seemed to have an excessive hard on for taking down Jimmy O'Phelan. It just so happened that the Club had found out that Jimmy was cutting a deal with the Aryans to start running guns, effectively pushing out the Sons, but the glory of it was that Jimmy was cultivating the deal behind the IRA's back. When Clay had brought that bit of intel to Galen, the IRA had sanctioned the Sons to take out Jimmy. Even though it was an internal problem, they felt it best of the Sons took him out, so they could save face and keep the transgression contained. Jimmy was greedy, and he didn't give a shit about the Cause. The only reason he was trying to give the gun business to the Aryan's was because he was offering them far less money than they paid the Sons, and he was planning to pocket the difference. It was all one big stroke of luck that it aligned so well. The IRA didn't know that they were planning to hand over Jimmy to Stahl, at least in theory. And Stahl didn't know that the Club was planning to have her get them off the gun charges easy before they killed her. Jax was the only one working the deal with Stahl. She figured Jax was just wary of doing hard time now that he had a baby on the way. And she wasn't wrong. He already felt like a failure knowing he'd be going away for over a year, he was starting to see things in a different light these days. He had been dragging out delivering Jimmy as long as he could, trying to at least meet his daughter before they closed up the deal.

But his weariness was less about that and more about his baby mama. Jen had been actively avoiding him since what had happened with Jeremy, which paled in comparison in his mind, to what had happened that night afterwards. He had never dreamed that killing Jeremy and Jennifer telling him she loved him would occur on the same night, if at all. He honestly thought Jen would never forgive him for it, but she had surprised him, like she was prone to doing. She loved him, but she was more distant than ever. And Jax was sulking like a petulant child over it. He had retaliated by avoiding her just as much, and he felt like a little bitch because he knew that he was doing it because he hoped Jen would seek him out. For something. For anything. He didn't even care if she marched down to the Clubhouse and called him out in front of God and everyone for never being home, for drinking himself to death every night and fucking crow-eaters in his dorm room. Anything would have been preferable to her indifference, her need to be away from him. But she never showed her face which only pissed him off more. He was starting to think that maybe he had imagined it all, maybe she had never confessed her love to him.

Since he couldn't be around her and she was so close to having the baby, he was sending one of the guys to hang with her anytime he wasn't around. Some of them had started to give him shit for it, and he knew that Clay was getting angry about it. They were at each other's throats anyway, but Clay had made the mistake of calling Jax out on it, telling him that the young hot mom was starting to cloud his judgement. Jax had refrained from beating the life out of him, but only barely, simply because he knew there was some truth to what Clay had said. Instead of it waking Jax up out of his shit, it just threw him deeper into his anger and self-loathing.

But he knew he had to get it together, soon. Their daughter would be here before long, and he had to find some way to make shit right with Jen. Even if she just wanted to live in companionable silence, he could deal with that. He would deal with it for her and the kids. He couldn't help but feel like he would always have to keep his feelings for her restrained, because he had the suspicion that he would never fully have a grip on her. There always seemed to be something coming between the two of them. Sometimes, he wondered if Jennifer was some sort of punishment for all the fucked up things he had done. It seemed cruel for the universe to give him something he coveted, something he wanted, to dangle it in his face only to keep her perpetually out of reach.

SOASOASOA

As luck would have it, Jennifer was alone when her labor started. Erin and Michael were with her mother for the weekend, and Jax was gone on club business. For once, she believed him when he said that, as he had been home the night before but had left early in the morning after a short phone call he took at 6 AM that was spoke in hushed, clipped tones. They had spent the night together watching old horror movies and eating in bed, something Jax had indulged her in, letting her order whatever take out her heart desired. He said she should enjoy being fat while she could, because he expected a full recovery after their daughter came, something that earned him a punch to the arm. His night of movies and take-out had been his way of trying to reconcile the strange place they had been in lately, and she had taken it happily. He certainly knew the way to her heart.

But the call had him up and out of bed and he had seemed worried when he told her no one could stay with her, they needed all the guys for something important. She had laughed and shrugged him off, telling him she didn't need anyone hanging around in the first place. She had spent the morning shuffling around the house cleaning, when that strange, familiar ache started to make itself known. It started out slow and mild, so much so that it didn't raise any alarms. She knew she was most likely in labor, but babies always took a long time to come, and she didn't want to call Jax for no reason, just so they could go sit at the hospital for hours with nothing special happening. So, she tried to keep doing what she was doing, but within a couple of hours, the pain was making it hard to catch her breath. She decided to jump in the bath and sit there to help. Something about water seemed to ease contractions. She had spent almost all her labor with Erin in the shower at the hospital. When even the bath didn't seem to help she started to panic. Maybe this baby would come quicker than the last two. Maybe she should have went to the hospital right away.

She grabbed her phone from where she had set it down before getting in the bath and tried to call Jax. He didn't answer, and she called a few more times, cursing and wishing she could throw the phone across the room. She closed her eyes, clenching her teeth as the pain continued to rip through her. She thought about calling an ambulance but couldn't bring herself to do it. Suddenly her phone rang, a number she didn't recognize, and she answered it.

"What?!" she hollered.

"It's Opie. Jax is…. Tied up. You good?"

"I'm in labor and I need to get to the hospital like an hour ago." For a moment, she was furious that Jax was too busy to help her right now. But the pain distracted her, and she soon forgot about it. When the phone was silent Jennifer looked down on to it only to see that Opie had ended the call. Finally, her patience broke and she chucked her phone, watching it break into pieces on the bathroom door. It soothed her momentarily, but then the realization that she had to get out of the bath and get dressed dawned on her and she wanted to cry.

Finally getting dressed was like a victory won in hell. She moved slowly, in short, tight, jerking movements. Her whole body was tense. She was afraid to move too much lest she bring on more pain to herself. She kept reminding herself to breath, but it seemed impossible with the pain she was in. She sat on the couch with a careful obstinacy, waiting for someone who would surely arrive. Opie must have relayed her message to Jax, short as he was on words. And she expected him to come through the door at any moment.

When a knock sounded at the door, she wanted to scream. It couldn't be Jax. Jax wouldn't have ever knocked at the door, and she moved slowly towards the door to unlock it. Why hadn't she thought of that before she had sat down?

Opie stood in front of her, making the door frame look as though it had shrunk from the last time she saw it.

"Keys?" He asked, calmly, which further incensed her. She tossed them in his direction and prepared to make her way out to her Tahoe, but Opie quickly rushed to her side as she bit her lip and unwelcome tears rolled down her cheeks from how much she was hurting.

"Let me carry you." He said, leaving no room for argument, but she quickly tossed his hand off her arm as she made her way to the passenger side.

"Don't fucking touch me." She bit back. There was nothing she hated more than being touched when she was in pain, and now was no exception. By the time she hoisted herself up into the truck and Opie quickly reversed out of the driveway, she started to feel a sense of dread at the idea of being trapped in the car all the way to the hospital. Anytime she stopped moving for too long the pain grabbed at her and she wanted to scream. Opie kept looking over her like she was strapped with explosives, a wary, scared look gracing his features. A look of pity in his eyes.

"Oh, quit looking at me like that! I'll break your fucking jaw if you keep looking at me like that!" Opie had the gall to look shocked at her words before chuckling lightly. "What the hell are you laughing at?"

"I'm just having flashbacks of when Donna had the kids." He took a deep breath, like he was bracing himself. "Alright, you're having a kid. Let's fucking do this. You got this. You need to breathe, Jen."

It was the first time Opie had called her by her name or spoke to her like she was an actual human being and it caught her off guard, but his words seemed to help. She listened to him, breathing deeply as she rubbed her stomach, even tough she wanted to whine and writhe from the contractions.

By the time she got settled into her hospital bed, she was in some strange parallel universe. She hardly noticed that Gemma had arrived, although she had heard her bitching that Jen hadn't called her to pick her up. Her pain had been taken to the level that she no longer cared what was going on around her. She had been scream-moaning curse words for an hour each time a contraction came and one of the nurses had the balls to tell her she was scaring the other patients, and she had turned on her with such belligerent rage that she had left the room and not returned since.

She was too far gone to get an epidural, and fear gripped her at the thought that she was going to have to do it all without drugs. No one dared come near her and she didn't blame them. She felt like she was going to die, and she welcomed it. Anything was preferable to the hellish limbo she was in now. By the time Jax strode through the door, she was ready to push. It was just like him to make his appearance at the eleventh hour and not have anyone give him shit about it. Just seeing him walk into the room gave her relief, and she started to sob as he walked towards the bed in long, powerful strides. She clutched onto him and cried, and Jax had crouched down to hug her, getting his face level with hers.

"You look beautiful." He said, tones of admiration and teasing in his voice. She let out some guttural sound of rage as she hit him.

"Shut up! This is all your fault. If you ever come near me again, I swear to God I'll cut your dick off!" She spoke quickly like she was afraid she wouldn't have the energy to finish her sentence.

Her doctor came in shortly after and she only had to push for 30 minutes before their daughter came into the world, strong and screaming. Jennifer cried in choked sobs when it was all done, all her pain evaporating in an instant as she was laid on her chest. Even though it was her third time having a baby, she was still in awe at how it all went away as soon as she felt her child next to her.

Jax was trying hard not to cry, a look she had never seen on him before. It looked painful, but all she could do was watch him as he stared at his daughter. The nurse worked efficiently, rubbing her daughter vigorously while she was on Jennifer's chest before whisking her away to clean her off and check her out with the doctor. But Jen had no doubt that she was perfectly healthy. Jax looked at her and back at their daughter as though he couldn't decide which one to stay with.

"Go." She told him encouragingly, and he rushed off with the nurse. When he came back, he had a small bundle in his arms, and she had never seen him so earnestly and honestly happy. He smiled at her as he pulled a chair up next to her bed so they could all sit together closely. He reached a hand out to Jen, pulling her in close and kissing her deeply.

"Thank you." He murmured. "She's perfect."


	16. May The Devil Be Your Judge

As soon as Lacey got the call from Jen that the baby had been born, she rushed to the hospital, her heart full of love, and her face lit up by a smile she couldn't wipe off. She firmly believed that the best days were the days when babies were born, the world seemed shrouded in a glow that nothing could dim. It was only once she stepped off the elevator and saw the imposing figure in front of the door, his body moving in an easy carelessness that spoke of a controlled undercurrent of power, his black kutte and the imagine on the back glaring at her menacingly, that she realized now the time had finally come for her to meet Jax. Her heart stilled for a moment, but she didn't break her stride. Things involving Jax and Jen were complicated to say the least. Jen, somewhere along the way, had decided she was going to have Jax's kid and align herself with him and that was that. There was no swaying Jen when she dug her heels into the ground about something, and Lacey wouldn't even attempt to. She knew Jen, she figured better than anyone in the world knew her, and it was not likely that she would ever question her motives. She knew Jen was smart and she never did anything without a good reason, so Lacey stood by her silently, her shield against their family, who were none too thrilled about what was going on. If the others could forget all the things Jen had done for her, for them, in the past, Lacey couldn't. Jen, Nucky, Jeremy and she had grown up together. And the times of Jen coming her to defense in life were countless, physically and verbally. For all her coldness, Jen was like a Pitbull once she decided someone worthy of her loyalty. Lacey could especially recall when her mother had abandoned her at the ripe age of 14, and Jen had walked her straight home with her after school and announced that Lacey was going to live with them now. When her father had chuckled in disbelief, Jen had turned on him with such anger that even he caved eventually. The ties Lacey had with Jen and her family and the Brotherhood were deep and winding. When Nucky and her had fallen and love and gotten married, Lacey had been especially happy that they were really and truly sisters at last. She felt in a way, she owed Jen her life, Jen who had stood up for her and pulled her up when she hadn't the strength to do it for herself. In the best circumstances, the Sons and the Brotherhood moved on two different axels in the same fucked up world. But things were not in the best circumstances, and Lacey knew that were embroiled in an active turf war, something that scared her for Jen to be caught in the middle of.

But if anyone could take care of themselves and those around them, it was Jen. Nucky and their father had accepted the fact that Jennifer was having a baby with Jax with no grace at all. They resented it, like they resented most of the decisions she made in life lately. They couldn't and didn't care to understand why she couldn't assimilate, why she always had to be so headstrong and such a blackguard. But they accepted her decision, because as a family, they had survived by presenting a united front to the world. And they wouldn't ever do anything that might have Jen keep the kids from them. To weigh the worse of two evils was to decide that keeping their mouths shut was the option with the least damage, and so they did. And when the day came that Jax fucked up and Jen cut him out like the cancer he was, they would be there to pick up the pieces and inflict whatever brutal retaliation they thought just. And they were certain that day would come. Jax's playboy personality was notorious, almost as notorious as the Club he stood to inherit, and a leopard didn't change its spots.

Jax eyed Lacey pensively as she walked towards the room, and Lacey suddenly felt herself nervous to the point of blushing and stammering, as she always was in the face of anyone unknown to her. The fact that Jax was so oppressively and unabashedly masculine didn't help things. She walked up to him lightly, and soon a domineering woman was at his side, her hip cocked out and her arms across her chest, the height from her stiletto boots giving her an obvious air of authority.

"Hi," she said, chancing a modest wave. "Is Jen awake? I'm her sister in law, she called me."

Jax's brooding look seemed to melt away, and a sweet, accommodating look to its place so quickly it nearly caught her off guard.

"Lacey?"

"That's right."

"Come on in. Jen's been waiting for you." Jax led her into the room, his hand on the small of her back ushering her forward in a way that made her want to squirm. Jen smiled when she saw her, and Jax made his way to the bed, picking up the small bundle out of her arms jauntily and smiling down at the baby as he presented her to Lacey. The proud, loving energy that emanated off him made Lacey's heart melt a little. She knew so little about Jax, and everyone she knew and loved hated him. But she figured anyone who had such an obvious devotion to their child couldn't be so bad.

Lacey gasped and sighed approvingly. "My God, she's absolutely gorgeous."

"I know, right?" Jax said, rocking the baby with a smile on his face. Lacey couldn't help but smile back at him. Most men she knew didn't fawn so openly over a child, settling for a pride that was a little more deferential and low key. It was hard not to match his happiness.

"Don't give him any encouragement." Jen sounded off from the bed, sitting up more and fluffing her hair. "He'll talk your ear off for an hour about her."

Evangeline Teller was a pretty child. No one could deny it. Her hair was golden like her fathers, and she had so much of it already. Her eyes were pea green like her mothers. And neither of them knew whether or not either color would last, but they hoped they did. Already she had her father so tightly wrapped around her small finger that Jen was growing exasperated over it, even if it made her smile. Jax had taken to calling her Evie right away, and now no one referred to her by her full name. Jax handed her back to Jen, and Lacey leaned in, kissing Jen on the cheek and fawning over the two of them. Jax took the chance to slip out of the room with Michael, who he had sensed was feeling a little shocked and left out now that he wasn't the baby anymore.

They walked out to the hallway, Jax plopping down on a chair and Michael scrambling up quickly to sit on his lap.

"Jax, can I ask you somethin'?" Michael picked at the patches on his kutte.

"Of course, little man."

"Are you mad my new sissy is a girl and not a boy?"

Jax couldn't keep the smirk off his face. "Of course not. Boys are nothing but trouble. Girls, that's where the real fun is at." Michael seemed to take in his words, his brows knitting together in a look of meditative silence. "Besides," Jax continued. "I already have a little boy."

This revelation shocked Michael, who looked up at him with wide eyes. "You do?! Where is he?"

Jax smiled at him, ruffling his hair. "Right here. You're boy enough for me, kid."

Michael seemed to accept this answer with the happiness and simplicity only a child could, and he smiled as he laid his head down on his shoulder. Soon, the same troubled look seemed to overtake his small features again and Jax peered down at him, waiting for him to speak.

"Can I be your boy and someone else's boy?" He asked, and he seemed ashamed and confused by the idea. It took a moment for Jax to realize that he was talking about Jeremy, about his father, and Jax felt the heavy, sick feeling of guilt in his stomach that could only come from disappointing a child.

"Of course." Jax didn't know what else to say. He couldn't utter pleasant things about Michael's father. He couldn't say anything about him at all. He had been the one to kill him, after all. He still wondered with a troubled feeling how it would affect them. Jeremy hadn't exactly been a perfect father, but he knew it would hurt his children just the same when the figured out he wasn't coming back. And if they ever found out Jax killed him, he wondered how they might come to hate him.

"Are you and my mommy going to get married, like she was with daddy?" Jesus, this kid just kept coming at him today. As if his world wasn't already out of balance and on a precarious keel.

"I don't know."

Michael peered at him, a look of anger at his disloyalty in his eyes. "If she wasn't my mommy, I'd marry her. I think she's the prettiest girl in the world."

Jax shook with laughter. "You're right, she is. The prettiest girl around."

Eager to extract himself from the place he'd suddenly found himself cornered in him, he got up, picking Michael up with him in one easy motion. "Come on. Let's go downstairs and get your mom some ice cream. I think she's earned it."

SOASOASOASOA

Jen recovered quickly from the birth of their daughter, much to the irritation of Jax, who seemed to have the notion that she should be bed-ridden for 3 weeks at least. But she was up and running again 3 days later as though very little had passed over her. Gemma watched Jax's confusion with it and Jen's annoyance at his pestering with thinly veiled amusement. She told Jen that it was scandalous how quick she recovered. A woman should suffer more, she chided, in mocking tones.

But it held her down very little if at all. Jax was soon engrossed in the same bullshit he was always engrossed in, and Jen was driven by a tugging idea she had in her mind for some time now, something that suddenly seemed desperate enough to warrant immediate action now that she had the down time to ruminate on it. It was Wednesday, the kids were at school, and Gemma was sitting with her and Evie at home. It seemed Gemma was always around now that Evie was here. At first, Jennifer had thought that Gemma was trying to help her take it easy since she just had a baby, but slowly the realization dawned on her that Gemma wasn't going anywhere. If mother Gemma was over-bearing, grandma Gemma was downright frightening. As much as Jen thought she would hate Gemma having a hand in anything that went on with the child, she had a solid respect for it now that it was here. The suffocating, overbearing feeling of protection reminded her reminiscently of home. Jen had grown up with a whole battalion of scary men on her heels, and she had decided it wasn't such a terrible way to grow up. It gave her a certain confidence that she was sure civilians would never have the pleasure of knowing; the confidence of knowing that you can do and say as you please and there would always be someone bigger and scarier to back you up should anyone voice their disapproval. To think that Evie had this twofold gave her a feeling of gladness she didn't know how to articulate. The more she spent time with Gemma, the more she began to grudgingly respect and enjoy her. They spent most of their days together, taking care of the kids and running shit at Teller-Morrow and capping off their night with a well-deserved bottle of wine or two and a joint between them. She had never feared her, even though she knew that she should. Anyone with the sense that God gave a goat would fear Gemma. But the feeling of pestered annoyance had gave way to grudging respect, and soon, Jen began to open up to her in a way that only two kindred spirits can; informal, trusting, and deferential.

Jen grabbed the keys to her Tahoe off the counter and walked into the living room where Gemma was watching tv, a small Evie nodding contently in her arms, milk drunk from the 30 minutes of nursing she had just enjoyed.

"I've gotta run out and do something. Can you watch Evie? I won't be gone long."

Gemma eyed her warily. They had diapers, food, and the kids wouldn't be out of school for 3 more hours at least. What Jennifer had to do that was so pressing evaded her, but she kept her mouth shut. Sometimes just having a suspicion didn't make it important enough to voice it.

"No problem."

Jen nodded in thanks, grabbing her jean coat on her way out, putting on her sunglasses and tying her hair up in a loose bun on top her head. She pretty much lived in yoga pants and tank tops these days, too swollen up with milk to think about dressing up for anyone or anything. Jax didn't seem to mind, though. She couldn't wait until her milk regulated and she felt normal again. The first 6 weeks were always hell.

She drove down to the precinct in the center of town, which was laughably close to Teller-Morrow. She wasn't sure if her target would be there, but she figured it was as good a place to look as any. Backing her truck into a tight spot in the parking lot, she turned the music of the radio on low and lit a cigarette, watching people come and go warily. She only sat for 30 minutes at most before she walked out, the same duplicate cheap looking suit hanging off her frame that she always saw her in. She watched her silently as she strode to her Lincoln town car, calling her final words to the men who parted ways with her. Now was the time.

"June." She called out sweetly, as though they were old friends who hadn't seen each other in a spell. "Hop in."

Stahl stopped quickly, looking at Jen and back around her as though she was gaging who else might be around. Jennifer assumed it was to see who she had as back up, but Stahl was just checking to see who else might have heard her.

"I'm a little busy right now." She bit out, not moving from her statue spot in the middle of the parking lot.

Jen raised her gun nonchalantly. "Humor me."

It was clear that Stahl didn't have the good sense to fear for her life. Instead, her lip curved up in amusement and curiosity. And Jen knew as the ATF agent walked towards the passenger side of her car that she was getting in out of interest of what Jen might have to say to her rather than terror. Jen drove in silence out of the parking lot towards another part of town, one that was less familiar and less likely for them to see anyone they knew around, before she parked her truck. She leaned back, turning herself towards Stahl with a smirk on her mouth and her gun lazily placed on her thigh with her hand on it possessively.

"I think you know what we're here to talk about."

"Actually, no-"

"Cut your bullshit. I know Jax made a deal with you." Jennifer, in fact, did not know that at all. But she had gambled on her instincts and the flashing look in Stahl's eyes, a look that was quickly wiped off her face, told her all she needed to know.

"Even if he did, I don't see why this nice little meeting would be necessary."

"Oh, it's entirely necessary. I don't really like people messing with things that make me comfortable. And Jax keeps me _very_ comfortable."

Stahl laughed openly, even though the way she was backed up against the door told Jen that she was anxious. She nodded, averting her eyes brutishly. "I'm surprised Jax told you."

"He tells me everything." Jennifer paraded indecently. "It's amazing what revelations come out in pillow talk after you suck someone's dick every night."

Stahl nodded, her eyes dancing mirthlessly. "So, what is it you want."

"You're going to kill the deal."

"Or?" Stahl challenged.

Jen shifted her body forward quickly, making her flinch. "Or I'm going to fucking kill you."

Stahl laughed, but the sound died in her throat quickly at the look in Jen's eyes. "That's the best collateral you got?"

Jen shrugged, unlocking the doors. "Keep your shit up and find out." She lit a cigarette, eyeing her passenger in disdain. "This is the part where you get the fuck up and leave."

SOASOASOASOA

Jen was washing the last of the dishes in the sink, a warm glow emanating the room from the candle on the counter. Gemma had left an hour ago, and Jax had missed dinner again, which was usual these days. Erin and Michael were asleep, and Evie was sleeping in her room, but Jen was certain she would be up within the next hour or two. She rinsed the last dish, pushing her hair back out of her face. Simultaneously, the front door opened, and Evie began to cry softly from her crib. Jennifer swung around quickly to see who was coming through the door, the tension leaving her body as she saw Jax stride through, shrugging off his hoodie as he smiled at her softly. She turned back to her the sink, rinsing her hands and shutting off the water. His arms circled around her as he kissed her neck, biting her ear playfully as she pushed into his touch.

"We need to talk."

She nodded rather than speaking, disentangling herself from him and walking towards the nursery as he followed dutifully behind. The room was encased in a buttery radiance from the small lamp on the dresser and Jennifer grabbed her daughter up and walked towards the daybed on the other side of the room, sitting down as she unhooked her nursing bra and Evie greedily latched on to her breast. She dared a glance at Jax who had sat next to them, and he had that teenage-esque smile on his face. He still hadn't gotten over the fact that there was reason for her to whip her tits out at all hours of the day with no shame whatsoever. She rolled her eyes, snapping her fingers in his face as he smiled at the scene of their small daughter nursing. When he looked back up, she landed a glare on him with a small smile curving on her lips.

"You wanted to talk?"

Jax brought an arm around her shoulders, touching his forehead with hers as she stared down at Evie, stroking her small cheek with his hand, so large in comparison to the object of his affection. Jen looked up at him and down at the daughter they shared between them, and that same feeling started to stir in her stomach. That feeling she hadn't quite put a description to yet. It was warm, it carried long, it held her rapt attention whenever it came over her. But she couldn't reconcile it. He looked up at her, his smirk not faltering, and his eyes held her gaze for longer than was necessary before he kissed her; softly at first, but soon his mouth insensately parted her lips and she allowed him entrance, like she always did.

When his overtures ended she looked up at him and landed one last small peck on his lips. She cursed the fact that Jax had the innate ability to turn her on no matter what, and the fact that there was no way in hell he was going to fuck her tonight. They had a good four weeks before that would happen again, and she would be lying to herself if she said that she didn't already miss it.

"I heard about your little meeting with the ATF today."

Jennifer stiffened at his words, drawing the baby close to her as she rocked her, trying to get as far away from Jax's embraces as possible. He was too dangerous when he was touching her. It took all her willpower to even stand a chance in the face of that type of persuasion.

She met him glare for glare, but his eyes held amusement and some strange sense of love and interest mixed in with his condemnation. Her eyes only held indignation. "And?"

"And you can't be getting in the middle of this shit. I want you to stay clear of it, you understand me?" Jax's tone had moved from loving amusement to something darker and more forceful, although he held the same relaxed posture that he had walked in the room with.

"Figures she would run and tattle about it. You really are cutting a deal with her, aren't you? What the hell are you thinking, Jax?"

Shifting uncomfortably, Jax gets to his feet, running a weary hand over his face. "I need you to trust me on this one. I've got it handled. We're gonna do short time, Jen."

Looking up at him, the thoughts in her mind cloud in a confused mess. She can't deny the fact that doing short time sounds appealing, but she knows men like Jax don't ever come out on the other side of a deal like this alive. The risk is too great. Getting up, she adjusts her shirt back to cover herself and lays a sleeping Evie in her crib.

"You're making a mistake. You could get killed for this. I'm only… looking out for you." She finishes uncertainly, the idea of Jax needing anyone to look out for him sounds silly even coming out of her own mouth.

Smiling again, Jax steps towards her lightly, pulling her close and tilting her face up towards him with his hands in her hair. "Don't. Let me look out for you."

Something in his words makes her relax, like a load has been lifted off her shoulders. And at the same time, she feels rigid, a chaotic combination that sets her nerves on edge. Just the idea of letting go and letting someone else take care of things, to lead the way, makes her panic like an abused animal who bites and growls at being touched, even by a tender hand. She can't let go of her control. Even if it does more harm than good, she can't let go. Not even for him.

Defaulting back to her cavalier attitude, she shrugs noncommittally with a flashing in her eyes. "Whatever you say, _daddy_."


	17. The Loss of God

**A/N: So we're nearing the end of part one... All three parts will be posted under this same title. A lot of shit that's happened in the story has not been what I had planned, but the characters seemed to take themselves on their own journeys. There's also a lot I wanted to explore in the first part of this story that I didn't get around to. Hopefully I can make it up soon. We're finally getting to a big part of the story that maps out a lot what's to happen from here on out. Thanks for the reviews and all that (:**

There was nothing more Jennifer Connelly hated than being woken up when she was tired. It made her fly into a mercenary rage, so when the blankets were unceremoniously ripped away from her at 5 in the morning, she saw red. She squeezed her eyes shut, afraid of the vicious things she might do or say when she opened her eyes to see the offensive traitor who was disturbing her after she had been up half the night with a colicky baby. When she felt Jax's large hand grab her by the ankle and start tickling her foot she kicked wildly at him.

"Jesus Christ! What the fuck is wrong with you!" She grabbed the first thing next to her on the nightstand and threw it at him, and he ducked lithely as her phone hit the wall behind him with an illustrious bang. He couldn't help but smile as he looked at her when he leveled himself again. He would never admit it, but he often instigated her into a fury intentionally, because he found her endlessly entertaining and attractive when she was angry. He laughed, only spurning her on more, and she sat up like a scalded cat. "Turn me loose!" She screamed as he tickled her more, but soon her anger was giving away to squealing peals of laughter.

"No." He said with finality, bringing her foot up to his lips and kissing her toes. There was something so oddly intimate about it that it made her squirm. She didn't know what it was about him. He lived with this sensual undercurrent that jarred her, made warmly uncomfortable in a way that felt inherently wrong but so good that she gravitated towards it endlessly. He locked eyes with her, grinning sardonically, before winking at her and casually plopping onto the bed, laying down on his side and propping himself up negligently. She scrambled up to a sitting position, suddenly keenly aware that she was nearly naked, having slept in nothing but her panties last night at Jax's request. He hated when she would wear pajamas to bed and would sulk and make fun of her, saying she was turning into a frumpy old housewife. This of course planted a seed of doubt in her mind which made her determined to prove that she was still the salacious girl she had always been, much to his satisfaction. She pulled the sheets up around her chest to cover herself, the bottom of the sheet pooling around her waist, her creamy, thick thighs crossed and bare to him. He eyed her up and down with that charming I-know-what-you-look-like-bent-over gleam in his eye as she glared at him haughtily.

"You'd better have a good reason for waking me up." She warned, pulling the sheets tighter around her like some sort of shield against his womanizing.

"I do actually." He made a dramatic playful show of pretending to remember something important as he patted himself down, procuring a small blue velvet box from the inside of his kutte. Her eyes widened in shock and happiness and horror all at once and she sincerely wished she could just close her eyes and go back to sleep and will this entire display away, but she knew she would have no such luck.

He opened the box calmly, with an easy grace she had always been jealous of. Jax never second guessed his actions or his place in the world. Whatever he wanted, he took if he could get it, and so he wrestled with neither angels or demons. She didn't think she had ever seen him anxious or unsure of himself a day in his life, and it was one of the things she loved about him. A weakling, Jax was not.

She couldn't help but gasp when she looked at the ring. She loved being showered in gifts, especially expensive jewelry, something Jax had learned early on and used to his advantage, often buying her gaudy little gifts to appease her when he had taken some jeering fight with her too far, or when she was in a mood and he knew she needed a little persuasion to receive him. He liked to see her wear the things he bought for her, small bracelets and necklaces. But this was something entirely different.

The center stone was almost audaciously large, a solitary 2 carat black diamond circled in minutely small white diamonds. The band was slim and simple white silver. It was so simple, yet so impudently large and glaring that it practically screamed 'taken'.

He handed the box to her as she fawned over the ring, running her fingertips over it. "Oh God, it's beautiful." She sighed as she stared at longingly. Then she snapped the box shut and handed it back to him. He raised an eyebrow at her, daring her to speak, and she knew by the look on his face that she should choose her next words wisely.

"It's beautiful Jax, but I won't ever get married again." She said with finality, raising her chin up defiantly as she picked at some imaginary string on the sheet. Jax laughed, and she glared at him. It was so goddam infuriating how everything she did seemed to amuse him, like she was some swaggering, boastful child. He never took her seriously and he always seemed to think he could change her mind, molding her to his wants and needs, and what's more he was right 95% of the time.

"Yes, you will. Girls like you were meant to be married. That's what's wrong with you. You should be fucked, and often, and by someone who knows how."

"Do you always have to be so fucking crass?" She bit back, her mouth twisted in rage and shock.

"Pot calling the kettle black, darlin'." He mused. "Just last night you were asking me to-"

"Oh, shut up!" She raged, her voice rising two octaves. She seemed to recover quickly though, wary of waking up the children, and she continued in a more subdued tone. "I mean it, Jax. I don't ever want to get married again. I didn't even want more children, even though I'm glad Evie's here now. I never planned on doing any of this."

"You were married to a weak, selfish junkie, someone you only married so you could escape your lovely upbringing. Have you ever considered jut marrying for fun? You know I can give you whatever you want, and they say I have a way with women." He continued, leering at her. "Besides, we have Evie now. Why not me?"

"Fun?!" She scoffed. "Marriage is only fun for men. They get to carry on doing exactly what they always do. All a woman gets out of marriage is a bunch of rules and a baby ever year." She sneered. She nearly cringed though, as she realized what she had said out loud. She was not expected to be the picture of domesticity, but even she knew that what she had just said would have made most women she knew look at her with contempt. Jax laughed, though, the loudness of it cutting through her embarrassment.

"That's why I like you. You say just what you mean. And when you're mad, you don't hold it in, everyone knows about it." She eyed him pensively, unsure what else to say. He always drove a hard bargain and she had to fortify all her resources if she was going to walk out of the room with a firm refusal on her lips. She got up, hoping the shift would gain her some sort of dominance in the situation, but she was still at a loss for words, and he rose up to stand with her. He advanced on her quickly, pulling her up against him and kissing her lightly. "Come on." He implored. "Say yes, or I swear to God, I'll take you over my knee right now and spank you until you do."

Her cheeks flushed an unhealthy shade of crimson. "You wouldn't dare." She challenged him, pulling out of his grasp and trying to leave his vicinity, but he grabbed he wrist painfully as he sat back down on the bed. He pulled her down across his knee as promised in one quick, violent move, and she shrieked but failed to struggle against him as she felt her body starting to betray her. Without any warning he smacked her ass, the sound reverberating through the room and she flinched in response to the pain, her pussy getting wet even though she wanted to jump up and smack and him and tell him he was a cad and leave the room with some dignity, but it was all for naught. He spanked her again and she yelped, followed by a guttural, satisfied growl reverberating through his chest as he marveled at how red her ass was as he grabbed and fondled it almost tenderly. But the tenderness was gone in an instant as he spanked her again and she squirmed against him, his hand tracing the inside of her thighs, so desperately close to her pussy she wanted to scream.

"Jax." She managed to say, her tone frantic and breathy. He sighed dejectedly. They still hadn't fucked since Evie had been born.

"I know, I'll stop." He ground out, his voice like a kid who just had his candy snatched away as he loosened his grip on her and allowed her to get out of her prone position on his lap. She did scramble up, but quickly straddled him and kissed him with a passion he craved from her infinitely.

"It's been six weeks." She murmured between kisses, grabbing his hand and pushing it between them for the relief she knew would soon follow. Quickly his kisses became more powerful and insistent and she pushed her weight up off him for a moment, so he could pull his jeans down, his cock springing free between the two of them. It was not fucking healthy how much she had missed his cock. It was too fucking perfect, worship worthy, too pleasure inducing to be normal. She sighed in appreciation and pushed her panties to the side before settling back down on him, gasping in pleasure as he filled her up. The feeling was so delicious, and she marveled in the ecstasy, her eyes closing as she rolled her head back, but his fingers were on the back of her neck in an instant, willing her to come back to him. His hand moved from her neck to her hair which he grabbed mercilessly in a vice grip as she locked eyes with him. He smiled at her, kissing her again, their tongues fighting for dominance and she knew that in all her life nothing would ever measure up to the dirty, lovely, satisfying feeling of fucking Jax. Being with him in any capacity was akin to putting on a pair of flip flops after being in heels that pinched all day. He was the only place she could let go.

"Say it." He commanded, his grip in her hair tightening as he tilted her head to the side, planting kisses on her neck.

"Yes." She breathed out like a petulant child, fucking him and moving on him like she would never get enough. He grabbed her hips, stilling her slightly and looking at her with more determination and interest than she had ever seen from him before.

"You mean it?" He asked, his thumbs brushing across her cheeks lightly, searching for something in her eyes that she couldn't understand. She furrowed her brow as she stared back at him. It was that same look she caught him in from time to time, like a cat looking at a mouse hole. She wanted to stop, to ask him why he looked at her that way, but her need for pleasure and release was wreaking havoc on her mind and none of it mattered enough now.

"Yes, Jax, yes. Please.."

SOASOASOASOA

Jen eyed the buxom blonde from her drivers seat wearily, recognition falling over her like a heavy blanket.

Polly Zoebelle was a beautiful woman, for all that she was rotten through and through. She had always been a daddy's girl. Even as a grown woman, she had followed her father through life, doing everything he asked of her. And his death had left her floundering in bereft grief wrought with confusion. Even now, she seemed to be floating through life, but she had one thing that kept her going, one thing that kept her firmly rooted in Charming. And that was Edmond Hayes. Soon, she knew Edmond would propose to her, or at the very least take her back to Ireland with him. He had become the lifeline she hung onto to now, just like she had once held onto her father and his organization to know what her next steps were.

But Jennifer could see little of this beauty or the fresh-faced innocence that comes with loving some fully and being loved in return in Polly's face. All she could see was the woman who had played a hand in the thing that had nearly broken her, the violent act that had almost crushed her spirit completely. But Jennifer never accepted defeat. She had risen back up from the ashes of it, and now God had put Polly Zoebelle right in front of her again, like a sacrificial lamb.

Gemma came out of the supermarket with a few bags in hand and loaded them into the trunk before stopping by the back window and making faces at Evie. By the time she made it into the passenger's seat, Jennifer's mood, which had overtaken the car, was not lost on her. She looked at her as Jen watched someone on the street in front of her like she was in some dark, far-off daydream. She tried to decipher who Jen was watching with such a keen alertness but was unsuccessful.

"What is it?" She asked, trying again to scan the people in front of them and pinpoint the danger that Jennifer seemed to be aware of. Jen locked eyes with her but said nothing as she started the car, following Polly as she pulled off Main street and wove through the streets of charming to a residential neighborhood not far from where her and Jax now lived. Jen parked up the street a safe distance away and continued to watch her until Polly knocked on the door and disappeared into the small one-story house.

Finally, Jen seemed to shake herself out of the stupor she was in and answered Gemma.

"The night I got raped by Zoebelle's crew, that girl, she was the one who knocked me out and took me there." She spoke with a tone of indifference. She could talk about it now, although she preferred not to. It was easy to pretend that it was just some story, something that never really happened to her. It was easy to pretend this on the surface at least, because all the loose-ends had been tied up. All but this one. Gemma said nothing, waiting for Jennifer to speak again, but the silence in the car was too much for her to take.

"What are you gonna do?"

Jennifer shrugged. "I'm going to kill her, I guess. What else can I do? I can't really gang rape her." She added sarcastically.

Gemma seemed to weigh her words seriously. She thought it was a bad gamble, too much of a risk. But somehow, she understood Jennifer's need to exact her own revenge. To take back that piece of her that was taken when she was raped. Jax had meted out all the vengeance on her behalf, and she now knew that maybe that had not been the most cathartic thing for Jennifer.

"Give me the keys. I'll take Evie home."

Jennifer met her gaze and nodded to her in solidarity and gratefulness that she had accepted what she needed to do without and qualms or pushback. Gemma's face was bland and impassive. There was no pity in her eyes, and Jen respected and loved her even more for it. Turning the car off and taking the keys out of the ignition, she paused before handing them over.

"Promise me something?" When Gemma gazed at her expectantly, she continued. "If I should get locked up for this, please take my kids. Don't let my family get them. And Jax; he loves them very much but he's not… Practical." Only the thought of long-term imprisonment could force this kind of disloyalty from her, on both accounts. Though she had her grievances with both her family and Jax that she aired with them personally, it was a rare day when she shamed them publicly or to others. Nothing else could have made her admit these things. And of all the people in her life currently, it was only Gemma that she could leave her kids to in good conscience. Gemma was fiercely suffocating to those she loved and was responsible for, which invoked reverence and unease in Jennifer in equal parts. But if nothing, she knew Gemma would raise her kids to be strong, and that they would be the most violently protected kids in the world.

Gemma looked at her, an expression of steel behind her eyes, something strong that Jennifer could hold onto. "Like they were my own." She answered simply. Jen knew the time was now or never and got out of the car, handing the keys to Gemma as she made her way around the car to take her place. Thinking better of it, she walked to the backseat and opened the door and gazed at Evie who was sleeping peacefully in her carseat, oblivious to the world around her. She kissed her small, soft cheek and whispered to her.

"I love you more than anything." It was remarkable that this could be true, as she said the same thing to all her children. It never failed to amaze her that her heart could expand to the capacity of loving three people with the same boundless love she felt for each of them in equal measure.

Shutting the door, she pulled her gun out of her purse and held it loosely to her side as she walked up to the house. Before Gemma pulled away she took out her prepay and called TM. It was Happy who answered, fitting considering his penchant and empathetic understanding of the need to kill when killing was warranted. She relayed the address to him, telling him to come pick Jen up, that she would need a quick getaway.

The door to the house was unlocked, and Jennifer twisted the knob and pushed the door open with her foot, her gun drawn as she made her way in soundlessly. At the sound of the door, Polly walked from the kitchen and stopped in shock when she saw Jennifer in front of her. Although words were unnecessary, and she hadn't planned to say anything to the girl, they still both stood and looked at each other for what seemed like an eternity. But when Polly seemed to glance over her shoulder, her eyes changing, Jennifer felt the shift in her energy keenly and knew she had to do what she had come to do.

"Edmond!" Polly yelled, and suddenly Jennifer knew they were not alone. She fired two rounds into the girl's chest and watched as she crumpled to the floor, and she knew she was dead. Footsteps sounded behind her quickly and she swung around with her gun still aimed as Edmond Hayes ran from one of the back bedrooms. He was a fool, for he seemed to bypass Jennifer completely even though there was a gun aimed at his face, and quickly ran to Polly, dropping to his knees and sobbing in a violent, deep way. He cursed, and when Jennifer saw him pull his gun out the back of his waistband, she shot him point bank through the head.

It had all happened so quickly. Suddenly, her breath escaped her in a ragged sound, and she sat down on the couch, rubbing her throbbing temples and trying to calm herself down. But despite the physical panic she felt, her mind felt more at ease than it had in a long time. Raising her head again, she looked over at the two bodies and got up to walk over to them.

'I've done it.' She thought to herself in surprise. 'I've done murder.' Her mind seemed to waver without her consent, and for some reason she thought of Lacey. Lacey, the purest, most loving person she knew. The only person in the world who saw Jen as someone who could do no wrong despite her shrewdness and her coldness. It was exasperating and comical how Lacey could refuse to see the bad in her and only the good. She realized that she was wondering what Lacey would think of her now. And with happiness, she realized that Lacey would have come into the house with her, guns blazing, had she known what had happened her at the hands of Zoebelle's crew. She would have backed her without question.

A savage gleam came in her eyes as she looked down at Polly, a wicked smile turning up her lips. She was glad she killed her. She could have but her heel in to the gaping wound in Polly's chest and stomped down to rub the pain in for the relief she felt now. Looking over to the boy laying next to her, for he was a boy, his face unassuming and childish in the slackness of death, she could feel nothing but a detached sense of curiosity and sympathy. He looked so weak and pathetic in comparison to the men she knew. He had done nothing wrong except for shack up with the wrong person and be in the house at the wrong time. But his life had been taken for it, his grievous error stamping out his existence for eternity.

At the sound of the back door opening and the clicking of heels on the kitchen linoleum, Jen panicked and tried to decide if she should run or stand her ground. But there was no time to run and she had no getaway ride, so she raised her gun again, pointing at the sound until the heels noiselessly made their way onto the carpet and June Stahl appeared in the living room.

With the madness that Jen was encompassed in, it seemed like an aeon had passed since she had walked through the front door. Everything moved quickly and slowly at the same time, and nothing was certain. "Jesus Christ." Jen murmured, watching Stahl take in the scene before her with a bright, electric look in her eyes. After Stahl had seemed satisfied with her appraisal with the situation, she looked at Jen.

"Did she have something to do with it?"

Jennifer's stomach dropped. How did Stahl know what had happened to her? Had Jax disclosed the information to her? She wasn't happy about anyone knowing about it, and the thought irritated her idly in the back of her mind. Stahl continued to stare at her.

"I'm sorry that happened to you." She offered stiffly, and Jennifer sneered, pointing her gun at the agent in front of her with more resolve.

"And where do we go from here?" She asked, trying to keep the venom out of her voice.

Stahl looked at the door and nodded her head. "Go."

Jen could not have been more shocked if Stahl had broken out into a choreographed showtune. But Stahl was smart and selfish, and she knew that getting Jen caught up in a murder rap would only distract Jax and possibly throw their deal off course. Edmond had been in the process of making a deal with her as well, he had been her second iron in the fire. But Edmond was weak and she doubted he had the balls to go through with it one way or another. To weigh her prospects, Jax was more valuable to her tenfold. And she knew she could cover up the kill. She would call it in that the IRA had hit the house to silence Edmond.

Jen wanted to question Stahl's motives, but it seemed insane to do so given the out that she was presenting her with. They both heard the distinct noise of a Harley pull up to the house and Jennifer smirked, moving towards the front door.

"Sounds like my ride is here."

She made her way out quickly, throwing her gun in her purse as she met Happy out in the driveway. She barely got herself onto the back of his bike, her hands resting on her shoulders, before he took off.

Across the street in a beat up old Buick Cameron Hayes watched them leave. Eddie was supposed to kill that ATF cunt today and he was supposed to meet him here to get him out of dodge. Why a member of the Sons was in the driveway and a brunette girl was hopping on the back of his bike as they made a hasty getaway made no sense to him, but it all felt wrong, and the fact that Eddie had not been answering his phone only urged on his sense of dread. He had to know what was going on, and his curiosity got the better of him as he walked up to the front door, and finding it unlocked, he stepped inside cautiously.

Nothing could have prepared him for seeing Eddie dead on the floor in a pool of his own blood. An animalistic sound escaped his chest and he wanted nothing more than to drop on his knees next to his son and pray and curse God simultaneously. But there was no time for such a weak release of emotions, not when Stahl was alive and well and standing not far from where his son lay motionless.

He pulled his gun seamlessly, walking towards her with a vengeance. "What the fuck did you do?!"

Stahl had been caught off guard, and she merely raised her hands in defense, fear causing her to sweat and stutter. When she didn't answer, Cameron pistol-whipped her, a blow she was surprised to have withstood without being knocked unconscious.

"It wasn't me!" she yelled, cowering into the corner of the room as he advanced on her, a crazed look in his eyes. "It was Jax Teller's old lady, I swear to God I didn't do it."

At any other time, he would have taken her words as the ramblings of a desperate woman, but after witnessing the two leave the driveway before he went in, he knew her words had merit. Jax Teller's old lady. If he was quick, he could still catch up with them. With one last blow he laid Stahl out cold on the floor and scrambled back through the front door the way he came.

SOASOASOASOA

It wasn't readily apparent to her what a large and heavy weight she had been bearing all this time until the weight had been lifted off her finally by her careless and dogged actions. Now, she felt like she was floating, and a dreamy smile graced her face as she got off the back of Happy's bike. He didn't seem to share her light-hearted attitude as he looked around pensively like he was expecting them to have been followed. She didn't pay much attention to him, but before she almost reached the front door of her house, his gruff voice stopped her.

"You wanna tell me what the fuck that was about?"

She looked at him, a defiant gleam in her eyes as she appraised him. She wasn't sure who she wanted to tell about what just happened. She assumed a hardened criminal like Happy was as good a candidate as anyone, but it still didn't feel right.

He appraised her as well and cracked a smile that didn't exactly comfort her but instead made her feel like she was being laughed at.

"Who'd you kill?" He questioned, like he was asking about the weather. She wanted to berate him for asking her, but somehow, self-preservation prevailed, and she couldn't.

"Someone who helped get me raped." She answered evenly. "We done here?"

Happy nodded, and she decided it was probably the most approval she would ever get from him. "Yeah, we're done. You want me to stick around?"

She shook her head. "I'm fine. But if you see Jax, ask him to come home or call me, please."

"Sure thing." And just like that, he was back on his bike and gone, and she somehow respected him more for not asking her any questions or saying anything about what she had divulged.

She walked into her house, and everything seemed oddly calm today, especially considering what she had just done. Gemma was in the kitchen putting away the groceries they had grabbed earlier, and Evie was sleeping in her carseat on the counter. She wanted to pick her up and hold her, to breath her intoxicating baby smell, and though she was a monster of selfishness even she had enough courtesy not to disturb a baby's slumber. Gemma spun around and looked at her like she was expecting something, for her to break down or the like. Jennifer eyed her with a raised eyebrow and Gemma crossed the kitchen and hugged her tightly. It wasn't unlike Gemma to do. She was an overtly touchy person, but something about the hug made her uncomfortable.

"Feel better?" Gemma smirked after she pulled away. Jennifer smirked back.

"Tons better. You can head out, Gem. I'm just going to finish up putting the rest of the groceries away. Jax will be here soon."

Gemma seemed opposed to the idea, but since it was more of a command than a suggestion, she nodded, kissing her on the cheek and grabbing her purse on the way out the door. "Call me if you need me." She tossed over her shoulder.

She hummed to herself as she put away the rest of the shit on the counter. Although she felt free, free of something dark and heavy that had been oppressing her, she was starting to wonder if what she had done had been wrong on a deep elemental level. She had never killed anyone before. She had to believe it had been justified for what they had done to her. Well, the blonde girl anyway. She frowned when she thought of the lanky boy who lay next to Polly. He had clearly loved her. Well, they had been together in life and in death they were not separated at least. But murder was wrong no matter what religion you subscribed to. Had Zoebelle's crew thought about how wrong it was to brutalize her, had the Polly thought about it when she knocked her unconscious and conspired with them to make it happen? No, they surely hadn't. There was no way to look at it as though it had been right. But in the lifestyle they all found themselves immersed in, violence was inevitable.

And what of Jax and the situation he was in? She knew she was doing him no favors by potentially bringing a double murder charge on her head. What would happen to the children if they both went away? She knew when she told him he was going to be pissed, but she had to tell him. He could help her if he knew, and a trouble shared was a trouble lessened, at least to some degree with someone you trusted. Her shoulders seemed to release some of their tension at the thought of him, her fears evaporating. Yes, she would tell him first thing when he got home, and she would just take her licks about it. At least, she would try to. She was never one for being reprimanded and Jax brought her anger like no other, but if he was angry about this she knew she had earned it.

She didn't hear the front door when it opened, but she sensed the soundless shift in energy as someone walked into the house. When she turned, expecting to see Jax, her eyes widened, and she dropped the jar of applesauce she was holding which shattered with an unceremonious cracking sound which immediately woke Evie who started crying as Jen willed herself to catch her breath.

TBC…


	18. Another Mistake Living Deep In My Heart

**A/N: It's been awhile since I updated and this is short as hell, but as always thanks for reading my bullshit and just know I have no plans to abandon this story. I know exactly how it ends and I know how we're going to get there. I just have writer's block!**

She had never seen this man in her life, and yet she knew from the look in his eyes and the way he carried himself that he was distraught and unhinged. He held his gun loosely in his hand, not with any definite purpose, but she looked at it with wide unnerved eyes. Evie was just behind her, she was the only thing between her and this insane stranger, and the thought struck fear into her soul on a grander scale than she had ever felt in her life. She knew she had to think quick and yet she was paralyzed.

She shifted closer to him imperceptibly, talking to distract him. Every inch of her body was screaming at her to move closer to Evie, to grab her and run. But she knew the farther she could corner him away from her the better, so she pushed forward reluctantly.

"What do you want?" She asked, her voice tense and inquiring.

He looked around the room, his eyes settling on her and the baby, a look in his eyes like he was in physical pain.

"You killed my Eddie." He ground out, pointing his gun at her head and stalking towards her, suddenly finding his voice, malice encompassing every movement, forcing her to back up again and lose all the ground she had gained. Her mind tumbled around like someone had shook all the thoughts in it furiously, and it began to make sense. The boy with Polly. She had killed this man's son. Her face dropped, and for once in her life, she stood in front of someone in almost complete and utter shame. How could she fault him for wanting to kill her? If the same had been done to her children, she knew she would have come at the perpetrator with ten times as much force as this man was coming at her now. But that was the thing. As much as she felt that she deserved it, she had her small sleeping daughter behind her. And she had never lacked animalistic courage, never more than now when she was cornered.

"He wasn't supposed to be there." She said sadly, shaking her head. What else could she say?

"Aye, but he was." He replied, his voice cold and impassive, mocking her regret. His eyes settled behind her, staring at Evie with fervor and disillusionment at the task ahead of him, and Jennifer's eyes flashed dangerously. Cameron Hayes had come here expecting to kill the woman who had taken his son's life, but confronted with the reality of it, and the regret he saw in her eyes, he couldn't pull the trigger. It would be so much easier to take the baby from her. The thought began to snowball in his mind. He could take the baby and run, and then she would feel the same pain he felt now. It was so much better.

Jennifer didn't miss the look in his eyes, and her heart was beating so maddeningly in her chest it was physically painful, sharp pains stabbing in her sternum. He was going to take her child, she could see it. Rage overtook her, the type of blind rage you don't remember, and she screamed as she rushed him, low to the ground and aiming with her knees, knocking him backwards into the dining table which they both flew over with a sickening thud, one communal ball of violence and desperation. When they landed again they had untangled, and Jennifer stumbled while she tried to gain her footing and without any hesitation in her actions she swung on him with a right hook with all the force she had inside of her, begging God to let it knock him out. If she could only get the gun from him. If she could only…

He pistol-whipped her, and it left her slack-jawed, but she was running on pure adrenaline now and she didn't stop coming for him. She rushed him again, grabbing the gun and twisting with all her might to get it from him, screaming in agony at the thought of him killing Evie, who was wailing pathetically from the panic she sensed around her. No, anything but her child. She would die right now if she had to. Anything but her children. The thought alone twisted up her insides so that she felt like she couldn't breathe. The struggle between them persisted, neither of them willing to give up, one fueled by desperation and the other fueled by vengeance. Eventually though, Cameron managed to twist the gun in her hands, shoving it into her midsection and pulling the trigger.

The force of the blow knocked her back onto the floor, and she looked at him wildly as he advanced towards Evie, grabbing the handle of her car seat. She needed to get back up, but her legs wouldn't move. She wanted to scream, but when she opened her mouth, all she could do was cough up blood. Her vision went black and she laid on her back on the floor unwillingly, knowing her body would not comply with her wishes. She was dying. She had to get up and run after her child, but she was dying, and she didn't care. Death was preferable to the guttural and twisting pain of knowing that someone had just taken her daughter and she had no idea what fate awaited them; the brutal pain of being shot was lost on her. But how could she die now, now when her baby needed her? She slipped into darkness quickly, her thoughts fading out of her grasp no matter how viciously and determinedly she grabbed at them.

SOASOASOASOA

James White walked into St. Thomas, his son behind him a few paces, their stance predatorial and angry in a way that begged interference. His wife marched in behind them vigilantly, throwing her cigarette on the ground as the doors opened before them. Miranda White was a shiftless, vicious creature, her utter lack of caring for the world came off her in waves that spoke of a deep ruthlessness. Nothing could change her, not time or age or the world. She had been the way she was since she was 10 years old, a childhood of abuse having twisted and darkened any softness or trusting qualities she may have once possessed. Even now, with the gravity of the situation presented to them by their only daughter, she strode languidly, some pagan, leashed savagery coloring her movements.

They were a silent trio as they stalked the halls to find Jennifer's room. Surprised to find Jax the only sentry to Jennifer's door, James eyed him keenly as he sat in the chair, slouched, his hand over his eyes and unmoving, like someone utterly defeated and lost in their pain and guilt would look. James almost felt the stirrings of pity, but the thought of Jennifer lying half-dead in the next room and his granddaughter possibly dead too, somewhere out in the world with God knows who, blighted out that feeling before it even had time to come to fruition.

Jax met his gaze and the somber look in his eyes was quickly replaced by a well-trained mask that came down over him; the front he kept for the world. Standing up and meeting them with his shoulder's squared, James eyed him with uncontrolled fury.

James White did not like Jax Teller. Even before his daughter had unfortunately fallen in love with him, James had no taste for the pompous prince of Charming. He hated the whole crew bodily, for all their posturing and arrogance, the airs they gave themselves as though they were better than his crew, as though they stood on a higher moral ground. James gave himself no airs in the world. He was trash and he knew it, he reveled in it, he stood in power in it. Jax and his crew were just trash in leather, and it was a pity that they weren't provident enough to embrace it.

Before James could speak, Miranda pushed herself forward and opened her loud mouth, as usual.

"Where the hell are my grandchildren?"

Jax turned his gaze on her, his look turning slightly deferential at talking to a woman.

"They're with my mother. They're safe."

"Well, tell your mother to bring them to me. Or better yet, tell me where they are. They're coming home where they belong." Her voice was venomous, insinuating that Erin and Michael were not safe with them, and it cut him. However, the idea of this small, pecking tornado going toe to toe with Gemma almost made him want to laugh. He wasn't sure who might come out on top, but he was damn sure it'd be a hell of a fight.

James tossed a look over his shoulder like he was willing her to shut the fuck up. His wife always seemed to talk too much, and he didn't need her inadvertently ball-busting him right now. Jax raised his eyebrows and nodded toward the chapel.

"Me and you should talk."

Jax grasped the pew with both hands as he leaned on it, James in front of him pacing like a vulture.

"Tell me what the fuck happened."

Jax shook his head, he was still trying to piece it all together. Jennifer still wasn't conscious and all he had to go one was the testimony from his mother, Happy, and Stahl, who had called him shortly after Cameron had left the house in pursuit of Jennifer. And James knew nothing of Jennifer being raped. He had to tell him now.

"That night you and your crew came to shake us down at the Clubhouse and you saw Jennifer there, you remember that night?" He looked up and waited for recognition to pass in his eyes. "Well, that night, after she left, Weston and some of his crew knocked Jennifer out. They took her to some warehouse and raped her. Told her to tell me to stop selling guns to color. Jen didn't tell anyone. After I got locked up, she told Tully. I guess she was trying to leverage it to get me protection when I was inside." Jax still hadn't fully put that altogether in his head, but he knew that Jen had leveraged the information, knowing he was devoted enough to her to take out Zoebelle and his crew. And she had been right. "Tully told me, so I could make it right. And I did." He met James stare man to man and he could see him white-faced and grimacing at his words.

"I killed all of them. I thought it was done. Yesterday, Jen was out grocery shopping with my mom. I guess she spotted Zoebelle's daughter, who had something to do with what happened to her that night. She followed her to a house and killed her, but the girl wasn't alone. Her boyfriend was there, Cameron Hayes son. Real IRA. Jennifer shot and killed him too. She went back home after that, and somehow Cameron figured out what had happened, and he followed her there. Shot Jennifer and took Evie."

Of all that he recanted, having to utter the words 'took Evie' were what pained him the most. He still couldn't take the thought of it, much less put it into words. He eyed James as he paced the length of the room, trying to read his reaction. He expected something explosive but was taken aback when James seemed to look past him and far beyond him and nodded sadly as a man forced to accept reality when realities were agonies. Jax didn't know much about the intricate workings of Jennifer's family, but standing before her father now, he knew that James loved his daughter deeply. And father to father, James and he were in a suddenly similar boat.

"And Jen?"

Jen… Jen. It all passed before his eyes in rapid secession. Finding Jen bleeding out on the kitchen floor. He was ashamed to admit in that moment he hadn't even thought of his daughter or any of the kids. She had been nearly unconscious, and his hands shook as he sank down to the floor next to her, scared to touch her. She had opened her eyes and come back to for a moment, and the fear conveyed to him in them had rattled him to his core, but she hadn't the physical strength or the clarity to speak. The gun shot wound had been bad, it should have been fatal. But somehow, she was hanging on to life, living in some dream land where nothing was real or lucid. Jax was almost glad she wasn't lucid. When she did come out of the fog she was in, she screamed and thrashed and tried to get up. She called for people, names he had never heard, she even called for Jeremy. But she never called for him. Soon, she would open her eyes and understand the world around her, and Jax felt the burden of a thousand weights on his shoulders at the idea of telling her they didn't know where Evie was.

"They think she'll pull through. She shouldn't have, but she's hanging on."

James strode up to him. "I'm getting in on all of this. I'm finding my fucking granddaughter. You just stay out of my fucking way and w _e_ won't have a problem." With that he walked out of the room, narrowly avoiding hitting Jax's shoulder on the way out.

Jax stood for a moment gathering his thoughts before following the same path James had walked a moment earlier. He looked at Jen's door before he left the hospital, and in that moment something broke in him, something that once held room for softness. But it didn't fracture in weakness. It broke bitterly, the scar tissue forming around it harder and colder than anything he had ever felt inside of him before.

SOASOASOASOASOA

Jax walked into his mother's home, the dark interior matching the mood of his life lately, the only light from the candles flickering in the kitchen and the dining room and the TV playing quietly in the living room. Gemma sat on the couch, Erin and Michael curled up together next to her closely sleeping softly. He wanted to see them before Jennifer's mom came around and took them. The idea that he had no claim to them irked him seriously, but right now, with everything else he was facing, he didn't have the fight to hang on.

He looked at them sadly before setting down in a chair next to his mother, lighting a cigarette. Gemma eyed him with a keen, wary look in waiting for the next blow to fall.

"Is Jen… awake yet?"

Jax nodded. "No. I had to get out of there. Wanted to say goodbye to them."

Gemma perked up at this, her relaxed stance on the couch disappearing.

"What do you mean?"

"Jen's mom is going to come get them."

"The hell she is!" Gemma scream-hissed, rocketing up of the couch in a swift movement. "Jen asked me to take care of them if something happened. They're not going anywhere."

Jax eyed his mother with contempt and confusion. He had so little time to talk to anyone lately, there were mounting questions in his mind that sprang forward.

"They're Erin and Michael's family. We can't keep them from them. And where the fuck were you, when Jen was running off to do this shit? Why the hell did you ever let her go into the house that day?"

Gemma seemed to back off imperceptibly at his words. "There wasn't any stopping her, Jax. You know how she is. And she needed to do it. That shit that happened to her? It doesn't just disappear. She hasn't let that shit go. And I'm sure she'll blame herself for a lifetime for what she did and the ramifications of it."

The words stirred something in him that he didn't want to recognize, did not have the strength to recognize. Somewhere buried under everything else, under his vicious need to find his daughter, his concern for Jennifer, lay a sick and burning confusion of how Jennifer could have done something so terrible, so irreversible, so careless. With all she stood to lose, how could she have done it? He didn't understand it, as much as he wanted to. He understood the need for revenge and blood clearly. But he could not wrap his mind around the careless and rogue way she had gone about it, keeping her needs to herself until they compounded into some uncontrollable circumstance.

He couldn't help Jennifer. She was in so deep in her own shit, had strayed from him so completely, their paths were now indeterminably fractured. All he knew now that was that he had to find his daughter. His love for the mother of his child, laying in a hospital bed, had to be pushed to the side if he stood a chance of being as clear headed and ruthless as he needed to be to cut down whatever was going to stand in his way. Because beyond anything, he knew without any doubt, that if he didn't find Evie, he and Jennifer would be fucking lost forever.


	19. Brighter Than Creation's Dark

Jennifer fought lucidity in a double-edged way. She did not want to wake and could not bear the idea of waking up and facing any of it, yet she needed to wake up. She had existed in some twisted dream state since Evie had been taken, the by-product of her pain and the drugs the hospital had been administering to her intravenously. But eventually, she had to wake up. The worst of the physical pain was over, and she was climbing desolately out of the fog that had encompassed her. When she opened her eyes, she winced at the light, dim as it was, she hardly felt human anymore. And of course, Jax was there, awake, staring ahead of himself vaguely, his heavy-ringed hand shielding his eyes as though he wished to be in the half-hearted coma she had existed in lately. Of course Jax was there. It was too much to hope that she could come back together in relative peace.

She stretched slightly, and the movement caught his eye. His body animated again almost immediately, his back straightening as he leaned in closer to her, touching her hand, searching her for signs of… Anything. She felt like a science project and shrunk back from his touch. The air between them was thick and dark. She tried to speak, but found her voice was hoarse from lack of use and from being intubated. She could barely rasp out enough noise to speak.

"Jax." She force-whispered. He grabbed her hand, rubbing it absent-mindedly as he stared at her. She couldn't read the notes in his eyes, only that he feared what was happening and that he did not harbor any anger towards her. Weariness, yes. But the lack of anger was what troubled her the most.

"I'm right here." He remarked sadly. That much was obvious, but it meant nothing to her.

"Where is she?" Her tones were devastating and urgent. She just needed to know. She needed to know if they had found Evie. Because if they hadn't, she would never be able to forgive herself for living.

Jax looked at her lamely, sadness pooling in his eyes. His eyes normally looked so powerful, but now they had that odd vague look of someone who had to put an animal down. Her stomach dropped, fear creeping in her so deep she could taste it coming up her throat, metallic and bitter.

"Did he kill her?" She asked, but her voice sounded wild and unhinged despite how quiet it was.

"No, no baby. We're going to find her." Jax sounded off, suddenly dropping next to her and pulling her up to his chest. She started to heave in desperate, broken sobs. Evie was gone. She was gone and they had no idea where she was. The idea was enough to send her into a tailspin, and she began to spiral out of orbit at the news. She cried desperately into his shoulder, grabbing onto his kutte and twisting it in her hands pathetically. Jax had never heard sounds like what was coming out of her. Even when Thomas had died his mother had not broken down like this. It was animalistic and guttural and it tore at your insides. He caught words here and there, 'stop, please, no'. He wanted to beg her to stop simply to spare himself having to hear anymore. When he heard 'I want to fucking die', he finally lost it.

"Stop!" He hollered. "You can't do this. We need you to keep it together Jen, I need you to keep it together."

Her crying stopped so abruptly it almost seemed staged or psychotic. She looked up at him, her face swollen from crying and bruises covering her left cheek. She stared at him so hard she almost seemed to stare through him. He watched her beautiful eyes change from sorrow and confusion into to some hollow, self-destructive disgust that he didn't understand. Then her gaze dropped to the wall behind him like she had enough of interacting with anyone and his stomach dropped with it.

"I need you to go." She said simply. He stared at her blankly when the words came out of her mouth, understanding it even if he shouldn't understand it. Understanding the primal need for solitude when you felt like you were imploding. Nodding vaguely, he kissed the top of her head and left the room with swaggering reluctance.

Jennifer noticed the sentry outside of her door to be Happy as Jax left and winced as she got up to go to the bathroom. She looked at the IV's in her arm and peeled the tape back and pulled them out, small drops of blood dotting her arm. She was grateful to find her bag in the bathroom, neatly packed with yoga pants and tank tops and a sweatshirt. There was even some toleitries and makeup in there too, a sure sign that Gemma had been the one to pack it up. She tossed the makeup to the side and got dressed slowly and lamely trying to avoid looking at the wrapped wound in her abdomen. All she had to do now was figure out how to get Happy out of the way so she could leave this place.

SOASOASOA

Her first order of business after escaping the hospital had been calling a cab to get her back to her house. It wasn't until she got there that she realized she had neither her purse nor her keys to the house or her Tahoe parked out front. The drive eyed her warily through the rear view mirror and she figured she deserved it with the way she looked. She was beat up, had one hand in cast, and she was pretty certain she was bleeding under the dressing on her gunshot wound. She didn't know if that was normal or she had pushed it by moving around too much, but she would deal with that later.

"Just wait here a second. I've got some cash inside the house." She opened the door when the driver coughed and spoke up.

"Don't worry about it you. You look like you could use a break."

She shrugged and slammed the door and made her way towards the backyard, thanking her lucky stars that the back latch wasn't padlocked like it normally was. Her only option was to break out one of the window panes in the back door to get in. It was providence that she had a cast, a by product of breaking her hand on that Irishman's jaw. That's what sloppy fighting would do to you.

Her second order of business was retrieving her kids. She found her cellphone plugged in on the kitchen counter where she had left it and called her mother. She hoped they were with Gemma but figured her mother had probably bullied her out of it and she was right. She drove one handed to her parents house out in the woods and rounded them up. She didn't think she had strung together more than a few words to any of them. Her voice was raspy and her throat ached when she talked. The sun seemed obnoxiously bright and the world seemed surreal. Each passing moment was a keen reminder of why she had been drugged into a coma. She was in such pain right now she was in a cold sweat and wanted desperately to be numb again.

So she had dropped her babies off with Gemma and now she was parked in her Tahoe in front of a gas station. Her sunglasses were on and her window was down and David Allen Coe was on the radio and the only small shred of comfort she had was the bottle of vodka she was nursing. She felt like shit warmed over and she wanted to stop thinking. She had the forethought to have grabbed the Vicodin she kept stashed at home and she chewed two of them up and took a long gulping swig off the bottle. She knew she had to think of some place to go because it was likely that Jax was well aware of her escape now that she had made contact with Gemma. She was also sure that Happy was none too pleased at her having pulled a fast one and making him look bad. She was sure someone was bound to find her soon and either check her back into the hospital or confine her to bed rest at home and she could not bear either option. She couldn't stand the thought of even being around anyone. So she had to find somewhere to go, but first, she knew she had to get good and fucked up. Because as it was now she physically and mentally couldn't take it.

She flipped her visor down and looked at the CD's above her. She didn't mind classic country on a good day, but right now it was too warm. She grabbed one and popped it in and Pantera came across the speakers. She turned the volume up and took another pull off the bottle. A middle aged woman and her teenage daughter walked by and the mother looked disgusted. Jennifer flipped her off. It was childish, but it made her feel better.

She was embarking into oblivion but her mind and her heart were beating a steady refrain that she could not escape from. Her daughter was gone. Her daughter was gone. Taken Evie. It was her fault. It made her mouth twist unattractively as she tried not to cry. She was so fucking disgusted with herself. So angry with herself for being alive. She should have died. She wanted to be dead. She was no mother at all. She was a selfish, vicious creature who had beautiful children she didn't deserve to have. But she needed them. She had to find her. It was a cruel staccato beat in her head that she had to escape, and the worst part about it was that Jax did not hate her. He felt for her and wanted to protect her still. He should hate her for what she had done and what it had caused, and being near him and knowing that he didn't was maddeningly painful. She turned the music up louder and leaned her head back and tried to will herself to think of something else. She would go up to the family cabin. Yes, it was only an hour and a half from here. She jut needed to rest her eyes for a moment.

When she woke up later she was passed out in the same place she had fallen asleep in and it was dark out. She was still incredibly drunk and high and she abandoned her plan of hiding out at her parents cabin because she knew she wouldn't make it there and made the short drive back to her house. Even in her numbness and her stupor she felt the pain when she had to get out of her truck and made her way back into the house. She fumbled with the door and it slammed open when she stumbled inside which made her curse at herself. Jax was home and he was stalking towards her angrily and with more energy than she thought was fair.

"Where the fuck have you been?" He spat, and she flinched at how harsh his voice was. She simply stared back at him stupidly. "I've called you about 50 times. I have half my fucking crew out there looking for you." The knowledge was surprising, and she wondered how no one had spotted her truck parked at the same gas station for the last six hours.

She knew he had every right to be angry with her, but she had a hard time just taking it. She glared at him and pushed past him into the kitchen and she thought that if she wasn't so beat up he probably would have laid hands on her. She took the bottle of vodka out of her purse and leaned against the counter and started drinking again. Jax looked at her dumbfounded and appalled and she dodged him deftly when he tried to grab the bottle from her. He looked like he wanted to strangle her. Then he ran a hand down his face wearily and he was smiling, but it wasn't a smile of happiness. It was dangerous and it scared even her a little bit even though she would never admit it.

"You better start fucking talking."

She sighed and shook her head. She couldn't talk. It was agony for her. Not the physical act of it, but trying to explain herself.

"Just leave me alone, Jax, please. I can't do this right now."

"Can't do what? Face reality?" He mocked her.

She shrieked in exasperation as angry tears began to fall down her cheeks. It took him off guard to see her so completely out of control. Jennifer hardly ever cried or acted on her emotions and she was indulging in both acts with such fervrence he felt like he was dealing with another version of her entirely.

"You have no idea what I'm feeling right now!"

"She's mine too, Jen. I know exactly how you feel."

But it wasn't the same, and she couldn't hear him talk about their daughter. He didn't have the self-destructive burden of all consuming guilt. She took another pull off the bottle and Jax tried again to grab it. She threw it at him instead in some strange defiant reflex and he barely ducked out of the way as the bottle smashed into pieces behind him. She had never seen his anger directed at her so completely but she felt it now as he grabbed her by the arms and shook her brutally.

"You are NOT going to fucking act like this. Do you understand me?"

She was crying but she still managed to sneer back at him.

"Or what? Go ahead Jax, I can take a fucking punch." She challenged him bitterly. She wanted him to feel as bad as she felt but Jax wouldn't take the bait. He simply sneered back at her and grabbed her chin as he tilted her face up to him. He searched her face and his appraisal made her feel small and pathetic. He took one last lingering look at her.

"You are such a fucking child." He said in disgust. "Only a child could be so careless and selfish." He let go of her completely and exited the kitchen cleanly before slamming the front door behind him. She screamed when she heard his Harley start up and leave. Screamed so long and hard that it should have been cathartic, but nothing seemed to dull the ache inside of her.

SOASOASOA

This spectacle went on for several days. Jennifer had no desire to stop drinking or taking pills or numbing herself. Jax would come home at night and they would fight bitterly. She seemed to have no regard for anyone, not herself or him or their children. She did not care if she nodded out mid conversation and often said horrible things to him when they would fight, things that should have never been uttered to even the harshest enemy. But she didn't care. She wanted everyone to feel as bad she did. He had tried to meet her halfway on multiple occasions but now he was growing to hate the sight of her completely.

A week in she finally stopped drinking and sobered up long enough to get a hold of herself again. She slept for 12 hours straight, something her body desperately needed. Her healing was sluggish due to her recent bought of binge drinking and she was on the edge of needed to be hospitalized again. But her children needed her. Erin and Michael needed her, but Evie needed her most of all. She needed strength to find her daughter, something that Jax was no closer to now than he had been since she had gone missing. Jennifer felt deep in her soul that Evie was gone, but she couldn't give up as she had been doing. Not while she had a breath left in her body.

It was Gemma that had ultimately pulled her out of it. Jax had told everyone to stay clear of Jen, and even Gemma had listened. But she had never been one to sit on her hands when action needed to be taken and now was no different. She had found Jen half drunk at home one night and had talked sense into her. Told her that either Evie was alive and she had to kill to find her, or Evie was dead and she needed to get revenge. It was simple, it lit a fire in her. Simple truths simply spoken had always appealed to her basic understanding.

So today she had showered and dressed and even put on makeup and had done her hair like it was a normal day, something she hadn't accomplished in what felt like some sick eternity. Her bruises were almost gone but her hand was still in a cast and she still didn't quite look like herself. But she was determined to fake it until she could make it.

She pulled into Teller-Morrow and took a deep breath before she got out of the car. Her phone buzzed and she looked at it, another voicemail from her father. Her family had been crawling all over her since Evie had been taken. She felt entirely out of the loop on everything. One night when she had been drunk at home her father had come by, and him and Jax had talked like they knew each other and were in on something together. If she had been sober she would have been shocked and as it was now she was still curious and perplexed by it. Her brother and Lacey would not stop calling her either, but she had returned a call or a text to anyone since she'd left the hospital. Something else she needed to work on.

She felt the odd sensation of being thoroughly stared at when she got out of the car. But now was no time for weakness.

SOASOASOA

Jax felt the weight of it all crushing him. Some things were bad enough but they were manageable. He could deal with things in small doses. Jennifer had gotten hurt, okay. He was taking care of Michael and Erin alone, okay. Evie was gone… Soul crushing, but he knew he would find her. He knew he would. But Jennifer on some psychotic alcoholic trip on top of it all was too much.

He had abandon any hope of pulling her out of it after the third day she had been out of the hospital. She was not scared of him because she was broken and she feared nothing, so nothing he could do or threaten fazed her. She had always been a devoted mother, but even that had fallen by the wayside for her, something that was almost incomprehensible for him. He was glad that she had gotten the kids and taken them to Gemma when she left the hospital. Any time that he was awake and he wasn't looking for new leads on Evie, he was at Gemma's house with them. Taking them to school, asking about their day. There were a lot of things he was just no good at but he could at least be there. They were sad and confused, but to his surprise, it was Erin that latched onto him the most. Something had shifted in the young girl. She was turning into a teenager and it seemed to have happened overnight. But despite this newfound young adulthood, she was clinging to him. She wanted Jax to pick her up from school every day. At night, she would fall asleep on the couch curled up next to him. She would ask his advice on things and when she came home from school crying about a boy one day he had barely restrained himself from beating the shit out of the kid. He found himself more attached to Jennifer's children than ever before, and he knew he could never let Jennifer walk away now. He was too invested. He was their father.

He was no closer to finding Evie and it made him want to die. He understood Jennifer's need to drink herself into a blackout every night. He was doing the same at the clubhouse daily, but he at least had the decency to continue to try and find their daughter and take care of the kids who needed them during the day time. He wanted to fucking hate her for her weakness, but he couldn't. Even if she made him miserable. Even if he thought he would kill her if she didn't get it together soon. He couldn't hate her, but he could drink the thought of her and their beautiful daughter away, and he could fuck a different girl every night to blight out the thought of her. He could and he did and he pushed his remorse aside if he thought about it.

He walked out of his dorm room that morning with a cigarette in one hand and his arm draped negligently around the girl he had spent the night with. He did not expect the day to be much different than the day before, but he was proven coldly wrong when he found Jennifer leaned up against the bar, her eyes cast down sadly on her perfect red painted toes in her heels. Jax nearly stopped in his tracks when she looked up and met his stare. Her eyes lit up in joy for a moment when she saw him, but the light was soon gone and replaced by something dark, the ink of betrayal blighting out whatever hope she had walked through the door with.


	20. People's Instinctive Travels

_I could find another dream_

 _One that keeps me warm and clean_

 _But I ain't dreamin anymore, I'm waking up_

 _So I'll take two of what you're having_

 _And I'll take all of what you got_

 _To kill this goddamn lonely love_

She wanted to scream and she thanked her body for not betraying her. She thought of the satisfaction she would feel if she would only step forward and bash her cast across the girls face, to feel the sickening satisfaction of her cheekbone cracking from the blow. She thought of it all but she did nothing. She barely even moved, so intense was the overwhelming feeling of being caught off guard by her own feelings. What a personal betrayal it was to be confounded by your own thoughts. She suspected she looked like she was about to cry, like she was about to break out wailing, but she didn't.

Instead she leaned over the bar, grabbing haphazardly around until her hand connected with a bottle that she pulled up and twisted the cap off of. She laughed but her laugh was cynical and spoke of things to come that had no place coming out right now. It bordered on murderous.

"You know," she spoke to Jax, finally finding her voice. "I came here to apologize. But it looks like you might owe me one now." Her tone was biting and ice cold and she looked at him square in the eye as she downed some of the tequila she had come up with. Jax looked like he was frozen in place for a moment, but he soon recouped himself, extracting his arm from the girl next to him. Jennifer took inventory of her with an impersonal indifference. She was quite charming if you were in the porn star thing. Clearly, her devoted fiance was most definitely into it. After all, she personified the look her self even if it was in more of a rugged homegrown way.

The girl squirmed under her scrutiny but Jennifer stared at her with no shame at all. She was sure that she looked as though she wanted to kill her. The whole interaction was not lost on those around her and she felt a hand grab her arm and start pulling her away, something she would have normally fought against. But she had a bottle and that's all she needed to get through whatever was about to happen so she allowed herself to be guided away and soon found herself sitting at one of the benches outside with Piney.

Piney, now he was something should could hold onto, simple as he was. He offered her a cigarette which she took with relish and they sat at the table drinking tequila for what seemed like an eternity. But she knew him well, perhaps better than she knew any of the men around here, and they did better when they talked less.

"He's an asshole." Piney stated simply like he was offering her something. "But I'm sure you've been well aware of that for awhile now."

She shrugged and drank. "It doesn't really matter."

"Bullshit." He stated simply. "Of course it matters. It's okay if it matters."

She looked at him and sighed, rubbing her temples. He certainly had a way of saying what needed to be said without truly saying it. She drank more and laid her head down on her crossed arms as she tried to will away the sickening lump forming in her chest and her throat as she tried not to cry. Opie had walked up to their table and lit a cigarette, and when she raised her head again, her eyes glazed from unshed tears, the pair looked back at her solemnly.

"Yeah, fuck him." Opie offered.

"He's just being himself." She said sarcastically. "Can't really fault him for that."

Piney nodded at the knowledge she imparted on them.

"We've been waiting for you to come back around. You ready to find your kid?" Piney asked, and she appreciated what she saw in his eyes. He was solid. He spoke to her like a soldier and she came back to her senses. She had gotten sober and come here so she could find her baby. She couldn't allow her feelings to sidetrack her again. She had partaken in enough of that for a lifetime. She simply nodded and pulled herself up, shaking off what was weighing her down. In front of her stood two men who were willing to go the mile with her if she had the stones to do it. And that's just what she needed. Now was the time for action, the time for grief had come and past and she had indulged in it lavishly.

"That's why I'm fucking here. Let's do it."

SOASOASOA

It was odd and stifling to be in her childhood home. Normally, she tried to avoid it at all costs. In it were memories best to steer clear of. Nestled far off the beaten path in the woods on the outskirts of Lodi, it was a dark place, dark and gritty in a specific way that she had never experienced in any other place in her lifetime. She wondered if everyone felt that way about their childhood. But she didn't think most people had vivid memories of being picked up by CPS after sitting in their mother's truck for six hours in front of a bar while she drank the night away and did coke in the bathroom. Living in a group home separated from her brother for six months until her parents got custody back. She didn't think they remembered being poor when their father was in prison, so poor that she went to bed hungry every night even though her mother was always gone working. You never really forgot the clawing ache of being hungry once you truly experienced it. She certainly didn't think they remembered beating up kids in school, beating them until they were bloody for bad mouthing her family and calling her a Nazi, and being congratulated for it when she get picked up from school by her parents. Finding her father's stash of drugs he was pushing underneath the shed when they were playing hide and seek. No, it was pretty clear that her memories were a little different than most. So the bad taste in her mouth was justified.

She nursed the coffee in her hand as her dad stood across the living room, arms crossed across his chest. The radio played annoyingly and her mom paced around smoking her signature Pall Malls. He stared at Jen expectantly before turning to his wife in annoyance.

"Would you put that shit out? Christ, I can barely fuckin' breathe in here!"

Miranda glared at him and smoked on, lavishly blowing the smoke around. Jennifer looked between her parents and rolled her eyes.

"I need to find my kid." She said simply. Her father, distracted momentarily from his anger, turned his attention back to her.

"Me and Jax are doing everything we can, honey. You know that."

"Well it's not enough." She snapped back, sighing at her own tone. "We need to do more. I know you were running guns for the IRA behind the MC's back. Who's your contact?"

Her father looked back at her incredulously. "Jen..."

She stood up from the couch.

"I don't give a shit what type of business relationship you or the Sons have with them. That mick piece of shit took my daughter and left me to bleed out. Who knows what the fuck he's done with her!"

"She's right." Her mother said, and for the first time in a long time Jennifer felt close to her. "We need to start chopping heads off. This shit is getting nowhere."

"Call your contact, arrange a meet. Just you and Nucky. I won't get Jax involved."

He looked at her with suspicion, but she knew in that moment she had him. He was on board. Family would always be thicker than water, the one thing about her vicious clan that she could truly appreciate. Jax and her father had the precarious position to navigate of not trying to burn bridges while they searched for Evie. But Jen had nothing like that to lose. She didn't care who she hurt or what she leveraged, as long as she got what she wanted.

SOASOASOA

She had been sitting at home alone for two hours. The silence was deafening. The clock bleated on so loud she thought she was going to lose her mind. She had tried to busy herself with mundane tasks but she kept checking her phone waiting for a call from her father or her brother. She tried not to look at the liquor cabinet. She wanted to open it up and dump everything, but she feared if she touched a bottle she would drink it. She still so desperately wanted to be drunk.

Instead she chain-smoked. But even that was bothering her, as sitting in her backyard painted vivid pictures in her mind of when she had witnessed Jax beating Jeremy bloody on the yard. Why that memory should suddenly be at the forefront of her mind she did not know. But it made her sick and weary in an odd way. She avoided the back of the house because she was keenly aware of Evie's room now. The room she had drank herself to sleep in every night for the past two weeks. She was afraid to look at it sober. She didn't think she could stand it now.

When she heard the rumbling of Jax's bike pulling up to the house her heart jumped into her throat and back down into her stomach, her blood pressure rising so quickly she could hear it pumping in her ears. She didn't know how to deal with him at all anymore, even more so now that she was sober. She had nothing to hide behind and there were so many insane catastrophes between them she had no idea how she was to navigate any of them. When he walked onto the back porch to face her she felt as though she was seeing him for the first time since it had all happened. He was tense, his anger and sadness and disillusionment were palpable. She had been so engrossed in her own pain she had not even taken a moment's notice of his own.

He stared at her and it was odd that she should feel self conscious now. She stared down and avoided looking at him. Her anger had been replaced with a weary sadness and she didn't know how to articulate it. He walked over to her, grabbing her good hand and pulling her up off the chair she had been lounging in. He seemed to inspect her thoroughly and she squirmed inwardly from it, before pulling her close to him and hugging her. It scared her that everything about him felt like home. His smell, his warmth, the way his body encased her so powerfully. How nice it was to be with him and feel that nothing in the world could touch her. But that wasn't the truth. They could hurt each other plenty and they did so with a maddening frequency.

"I'm sorry." She mumbled into his shoulder. "For bailing when you guys needed me." She thought of her children and Jax and suddenly it was clear to her. This was her family now. Just as Jeremy had once completed her circle, or her brother and Lacey or her parents. Now it was Jax. And they depended on one another in a way that demanded loyalty and a united front to the world. They had to keep their bond inclusive if they had any chance of surviving this.

Jax extracted from their embrace, turning her face up to him and catching her in kiss.

"I thought we agreed I owed you an apology." He said, and she sighed at the mention of his infidelity.

"Yeah, about that. I'm probably going to cut your dick off if I see you with another girl again, like ever."

He laughed and she pinched his arm.

"Don't fucking laugh. I'm serious."

He nodded, stifling a smile.

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

Sadly, she didn't believe that but she didn't have the energy to dig up those feelings. Her phone buzzed angrily in her pocket and she pulled it out hoping to see her father's name flash across the screen. Instead she saw the number to Erin's school. She listened to the clipped tone on the other end of the line and answered back in kind before ending the call.

"What was that?" Jax asked after lighting up a cigarette.

"Erin's in the principals office for beating some girl."

Jax had the audacity to smile at the knowledge and she snapped on him.

"Do NOT act like this is okay!"

"Hey, I'm just happy my girl knows how to fight. She takes after me clearly."

"More like me. I could walk you like a dog." She retorted. Jax laughed, ushering her back into the house and out the front door with his hand on the small of her back. It was easy to be negligent now, to accept what was happening with little thought. But she knew it meant something. It meant something to walk into that school together, to the town and the people they knew, and it meant something between them. They were protecting what was theirs. She felt the old stirrings of her childhood again, that desolate pang as she recreated what had long come to pass. Only it was different. In a deep, rolling way it was different. She was not her parents, she had to remind herself fervently. She was something darker and more intricate now that they had each other. And she would give her children something to count on between the two of them, a force that would be unstoppable.


End file.
